Androids Be Closing

Dr. Paul Kiltenmauer — C.E.O and President of Rysus Corp.

Journal Entry: September 9, 2078 [Pattern 43001.00000138gbpfs]

The R3–5-RVT.000184 model is extremely versed in product pushing, marketing, and negotiating. This bot can move tangible goods better than most others in its class, but being constantly connected to its 99.¹³-CC transmitter, its organic power supply depletes 60% quicker than before its last firmware update, with muscle memory and stamina taking up astronomical amounts of RAM. They are extremely aggressive and violent at times. You can know these models are nearby and approaching when you hear speech like, “Oh, now you’ve done it,” and excessive use of the phrase, “and what-not.” in proximity. Do not attempt to communicate with this model. They are a severe threat to all of humanity. While it’s true that The KUMQUAT Mod [zprr.5.zP1] that was released three months ago has allowed these droids to integrate seamlessly into a virtual holding pattern with all organic life for brief periods of time [data/link/error/] — their new sleep mode upgrade [pp^.33/1/2/111/2/1/55/463] allows their CPU’s to collect and filter data much more efficiently than the H2–3-LLZ, pushing the envelope of these machines into an intelligence grid of their own. At the time of writing this, the H2–3-LLZ.490611 and R3–5-RVT.000184 have been able to reproduce, and the face of modern technology has been forever transformed with the advent of inter-android-reproduction. Enter android model R3–5-RVT.000184-b. Its new hermaphroditical reproductive organs are completely interchangeable, and its receptors with most human senses are functioning to capacity with no recorded instance of malfunction to date. These droids are capable of multiple computer as well as human languages, and cannot grow physically once their CXRRY-Y filtration system reaches a toxicity level of 87.942%. Once this occurs, they become mute, deaf, and seek out high levels of hydrogenated oil, but a minute percentage of these bots (.00781%) never terminate. These droids don’t urinate or defecate. They release a hazardous chemical compound, posing a serious threat to humanity. Be advised.







KUMQUAT STATION [sector FF4 — quadrant l10.01-P]

DATE AND TIME: [oct.11.2080 — Pattern 65001.00001143gbpfs to Pattern 6501.000011424gbpfs]

MODELS: R3–5-RVT.000184 AND R3–5-RVT.000184-b

“Daddy, come play with me please.”

“Sorry bud… your Dravikinteleron processor is overheating. Normally this time of day it’s reading .0977 dispersal range, but last I checked, you were at seven one. You know the drill — what your manual says. We don’t need to go over this data anymore. You just stay in your sandbox and read bud. OK?”


“Don’t pout son. Although that’s very good acting. Read. Life isn’t all about sandcastles anyway. What can we process from Sarteena kicking it over earlier?”

“I don’t know.”

“I think you do know. You don’t want to talk about it?”

“Mom says we’re switching to a different meal oil tonight.”

“What kind?”

“Bry-moxoran. You’ve tried it before son.”

“I remember. Yes. But I really like Tor-fexoran. I’ve gotten used to that brand.”

“It’s good to be open to new things. Chortorib, you have much to learn. I know this sandbox day seems out of character for you, but we must learn to assimilate into human culture. They have meaningful data to exchange with us.”

“I met a human today.”

“WHAT? WHO? Here comes one now. Only humming and cooing.”

“I was only kidding daddy.”

“I should surely hope so. Besides, you’re a special breed. You’re unique Chororib — you’re government property — you may not feel a sense of freedom but there is protection that you have that many other models similar to you do not enjoy. Let’s not start a new PR campaign today though. Daddy’s tired.”
“Well Chortorib is hungry. Isn’t it peculiar that humans can’t speak or communicate clearly for years? I have the body of an eighteen-month-old human boy and girl– how can I speak so definitively and have knowledge and intellect at this stage of my existence? There’s no one out there quite like me.”

“Got that right son. You were conceived with a type of microcode that humans don’t have when they enter this world. Sort of like their DNA, but different. But your R-surdex accumulator won’t allow you to process it, and I ill advise attempting to process anytime soon.”

“I won’t. I remember and understand my existence even before my moment of conception. I could speak many languages and code. You, and mother and I — discussing our inventor. Doctor Kiltenmauer. Sometimes I feel like a human though. I shouldn’t, but I do. I do appear human-like.”

“We appear human Chortorib, but we are wiser and more intelligent than human kind, even though human kind created us. Always use your power for good and never for evil. We are a peaceful humanoid. We can learn from each other. Now get out that slimy set of D-09FgI receptacles your mother and I bought for your for KUMQUAT pattern 04 and let’s get to work on that project of yours.”




KUMQUAT STATION [sector AB6 — quadrant 351.76-R]

DATE AND TIME: [oct.13.2080 — Pattern 69001.000297352gbpfs to Pattern 6501.0000297352gbpfs]

MODELS: H2–3-LLZ.490611, R3–5-RVT.000184, AND R3–5-RVT.000184-b

Klofentum takes his seat at the family breakfast table and crosses his hands in polite fashion, trying to hide his excitement of being able to taste Bry-moxoran for the first time. Chororib is seated in his hi-chair, also excited, and for good reason, as this was a special morning planned by himself and Enzarna, a project that I had assigned him to spearhead and conduct myself: namely, to conduct a blind taste test with his parents between Tor-fexoran, the fuel that has worked sufficiently since each models’ inception, and the new super-fuel, Bry-moxoran. Chororib is hiding his zeal and excitement far better than his father, but begins tapping his fingers in rhythmic fashion on the tray before him.

KLOFENTUM: There will not be any finger tapping of any kind in this house son — especially at breakfast.

CHORORIB: Human life at my current Pattern does not practice meal etiquette of any kind father.

Chororib stops his finger tapping, obediently.

Klofentum begins fiddling with the dinner and salad forks Enzarna had placed at 284577gbpfs earlier that morning. Enzarna approaches the table with a sample tray of both brands of fuel in 5 ml cups and places it at the center of the table. The androids stare at the oil for several moments and then back at each other in complete silence.

ENZARNA: You are each to wear blindfolds.

CHORORIB: Yes mom.

KLOFENTUM: Yes dear.

Enzarna stands up and wraps medical tape around both models eyes. She administers 15 full rotations each.

ENZARNA: Commence the sampling of product A.

She hands them the Tor-Fexoran.

CHORORIB: It’s our regular breakfast meal oil. Try-…

KLOFENTUM: Shh. No talking.



KLOFENTUM: Invigorating. Refreshing.

ENZARNA: Yes. Isn’t it?


ENZARNA: Now for product B.

Enzarna hands them the Bry-moxoran.


KLOFENTUM: Very good.

ENZARNA: I’m glad

KLOFENTUM: I’m glad you’re glad honey.”


KLOFENTUM: I say it’s time to cast our vote. All those in favor of Tor-Fexoran, say I.



“Those opposed?”



KLOFENTUM: Well that settles it. We are now an official Tor-fexoran family.





KUMQUAT COMMISSARY [sector LT3 — quadrant 482.82W]

DATE AND TIME: [Nov. 30, 2080 — Pattern 70001.0000000021gbpfs to Pattern 70001.0000000025]

MODEL: R3–5-RVT.000184 and human subject

-Why don’t you want to buy my product?

-I… uhh…

-I’ve explained all the features and benefits as to why it would be suitable for your needs and wants. Did I forget something?

-I’ve already got one.

-What about gifts for your family? You seemed to enjoy my presentation. What would be holding you back?’

-You’re AI… ain’t ya?

-Me? No.

- I don’t know…You seem awful nerdy. Do you have any credentials? Hmm… I see now. Who authorized you to be here product pushing like this? You’re subservient to me — not the other way around…

-Do you want the package or not?

-I told you I don’t need one… but I do want to see your credentials.

-I’m afraid I’ll have to see YOUR credentials first sir. Your politeness is much appreciated.


-Do you like apples?

-Never mind. You got me. Excellent presentation — your boss should give you a raise. Can’t believe you droids. I gotta get back to work. Give me that thing.

-I’m having difficulty determining what is and isn’t passive entertainment. Is that all I represent to you?

-What? Again I’m going to have to see your credentials.

-You know who and what I am. That will be all.

-Can you show me again how to use it?

-I’m sorry, our time is up. Would you like more than one game set match? Kidding. Or am I?

-Well my niece would love to… hey are you squeezing me?{data/link/error..zzzzzzzzz]





Dr. Marcus Reglin: Master of Ceremonies/Keynote Speaker

Good evening ladies and gentlemen. Thanks. Thank you. First of all I want to thank all of our contributors and board of directors for making this evening possible once again. We have a lot of ground to cover folks, so let me get right down to it. Tor-fexoran sales have seen a 21.3% spike this quarter. Thank you. Yes. Thank you. Thanks. It’s nine o’clock — do you know where your bots are? Ha ha. Thanks. Please hold your applause. Thank you. Thanks. The test results are conclusive. Several notable improvements have been made to models R3–5-RVT and H2–1-LLX respectively with the integration of Tor-fexoran 2.2. I have to share the credit with Paul who couldn’t be here this evening for the synthesis as well as many of the marketing aspects that make our planet with AI a much safer one than it was a decade ago. Many of you have noticed a calmer, less sarcastic, and more subservient model since the integration of this new fuel, and a much healthier lifestyle because of it. Over a 30 day clinical study, the following results have shown to be conclusive: One. The ORCAN chambers have seen a 31.56% reduction in bacteria and allergens. Their purification systems have adjusted to Tor-fexoran 2.2 and projects are currently being funded with our partners at Cympar Labs to make even further improvements in these areas. [] The En9^……


99.¹³-CC transmitter: an internal device installed on all R3–5-RVT android models, similar to the modern day smart-phone

Bry-moxoran: a type of synthetic oil consumed as fuel by certain classes of androids. Enzarna starts selling the brand to humans using network marketing techniques.

CXRRY-Y filtration system: a semi-organic filtration system that only Chortorib carries, similar to that of the human liver

D-09FgI receptacles: a type of science set that is also a toy, invented by a team of scientists and biologists under the direction of Klofentum and Dr Kiltenmauer

Dravikinteleron processor: responsible in the function of many physical motor skills in most classes of android

H2–1-LLX: Female class. The most human like android, insofar as they have an easier time integrating into human society better than their male counterparts. Physically, they age very slowly and carry a 300+ year life span. They are generally peaceful with humanity, and try much harder than their male counterparts at assimilating into human pop culture… a very athletic, charismatic, but superficial class of bots.

H2–3-LLZ.490611: Enzarna. Mother of Chortorib.

GPFS: Geop Byte Per Femtoseconds

Kiltenmauer Linguistics: a school for the R3–5-RVT male class of android. Started by Dr Kiltenmauer in 2075.

KUMQUAT: a program, database, business, and laboratory spearheaded by Dr. Paul Kiltenmauer

KUMQUAT STATION [sector FF4 — quadrant l10.01-P] : The artificial biodome where Dr. Kiltenmauer performed the birth of hermaphrodite android R3–5-RVT.000184-b (Chortorib) from female android H2–3-LLZ.490611 (Enzarna).

Mod [zprr.5..zP1]: an experimental mod created by Kiltenmauer and programmed into Klofentum

Pattern: a unit of time created by androids — roughly 24 hours in the human concept of time. Androids communicate and make record of time to other androids and some humans in terms of amount of data sent and received, and how rapidly it occurs. (i.e. Geop Bytes Per Femtoseconds)

R-surdex accumulator: a special classified microprocessor invented by Kiltenmauer that acts as a governor limiting what Chortorib can understand and process. All androids are forbidden to fully understand it’s coding aspects and how it functions.

R3–5-RVT: Male class. Extremely intelligent model. Forty times more intelligent than the smartest human alive. 50 year life span. These bots move slightly slower than most humans, typically hold desk jobs, and do a lot of sitting in general. They never consume human food or water, but only drink certain types of oils that are essential to their survival. This class of android never run or exercise, and converse with a very minute percentage of the most intelligent humans.

R3–5-RVT.000184: Klofentum. Father of Chortorib.

R3–5-RVT.000184-b: Chortorib. The first android, who is also a hermaphrodite, ever conceived from two androids. Looks completely human in every way, but able to converse on all subjects with adult humans and androids alike since day one. This new class of android will stop growing physically around age 5 in human years.

Rysus Corp.: Largest manufacturer of androids in the world. Creators of KUMQUAT. Also the government of the entire world. Owned and operated by Dr Kiltenmauer and Dr. Marcus Reglin.

Tor-fexoran: rival oil brand to Bry-moxoran

Andrew D Sorenson is an established sales professional with experience in a variety of formats. A published author and musician, Andrew continues teaching and inspiring those in the sales and marketing industry to realize their full potential.

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