Returning to School At 50: The Best Decision The Economy Made Me Do

Returning to school isn’t easy, especially at 50! Here’s a list of 20 tricks I learned to help you get the most out of your college experience.

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  1. It’s easy to dominate a classroom if you’re older than the professor. Use this info wisely when choosing classes.

2. Rushing a fraternity or sorority is a waste of time. You’re over 21. Just drink at home alone like a normal person.

3. There’s always a protest about something. Don’t be the reason.

4. No one has seen Rodney Dangerfield’s Back to School. Stop bringing it up.

5. You’re old enough to know how you best learn new material. For me it was having my lawyer sprinkle study guides into my divorce settlement so I could learn a little while dividing up the appliances.

6. Cite your “more advanced life experience” in every possible paper. Don’t be afraid to accuse your professors of ageism if this fails. Remember, it’s YOUR education.

7. College is about connections, so befriend as much of the staff as possible. They know where to find the good jobs.

8. For most kids college is about adolescent liberation; excessive drinking, smoking, and non-stop partying. Use this to your advantage by getting professors to grade the classes on a curve. Boom: You’re on The Dean’s List.

9. Ignore the social cliques but DO follow them on Instagram so you can pick up the lingo. Don’t get “cancelled”.

10. Nobody likes Ronald Reagan. Stop bringing him up.

11. Don’t stay in the dorms. Everyone knows the grey hairs in the communal shower are yours.

12. Student Loans are a scam — just max out some credit cards! This works best if done before a divorce is finalized so your condescending soon-to-be-ex-wife has to split the debt. Now who’s “dumb and broke,” Samantha?

13. You won’t rush a frat. You really won’t rush for anything with your plantar fasciitis.

14. Befriend classmates who are interested in your field. Convince them to change majors. Thin out any professional competition.

15. Rick and Morty is amazing. Its fans are not.

16. “Flossing” isn’t flossing.

17. Stop getting your news from Facebook. Definitely don’t share the news you DO get from Facebook with your classmates.

18. Most of college is about learning how to adult. You’re already a pro; have fun making your TA’s life a living hell by constantly questioning their motives in front of your classmates.

19. Nobody cares that you’re bettering yourself because your wife left you after you were downsized at work, and now you’re desperately trying to shift careers. Or that you fear that not having children at this point in your life means you’ll most likely die alone with no one to take care of you. Stop bringing it up.

20. Never end a sentence with a preposition.

Result of 4.5 billion years of evolution/french-fry enthusiast.

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