Working in Tech Support

A Car Analogy for Non-Techs

We’ve all experienced a tough call with tech support, but fewer have been the hate-receptacle on the other end of the line.

Generally, a developer’s primary goal is to write code, and as a distant second, help people use that code. There are often layers of support staff in between them and the end user to protect the developer’s time, so they can keep cranking out that code while some tech walks endless streams of users through configuring, using, and troubleshooting it.

My current role is a bit different: I rapidly develop software to support a small, high-performance lab/department in an academic library. Working with people to adopt their workflow to my code, and vice versa, is a critical part of my job. As someone who has worked in many support jobs– from a front-line call center in an outsource company, to more laid back higher-level support– the role is like slipping into an old, well-worn pair of shoes: comfy at first… but you quickly remember why you don’t wear them anymore.

Fortunately, my support duties are not nearly as bad as doing call center work. I see the other people in my department every day, so they trust me enough to take my word at face value, and are much less likely to give me the whipping boy treatment if they get frustrated. In return, I reward them with endless patience when they aren’t getting something simple or need to vent, good listening, and solid tools for them to use.

Every tech understands that calling technical support can be a frustrating experience, but few callers realize that having to take technical support calls is at best boring, and at worst, the most frustrating task you’ll ever perform, and will run the gamut between those two extremes in a matter of seconds. By the time these people are frustrated enough to ask for help, their frustration, combined with the ego blow of not being able to figure it out themselves, combined with the irritation of being diverted from their usual tasks over some inane technical bullshit, puts them in a pretty touchy state.

Plenty can go wrong on the other end of the line, too. There are many good techs in the world that want to help solve people’s problems while maintaining as much of the caller’s dignity as they can, if for no other reason than it’s their job; but that certainly does not describe all of them: there are lots of dismissive, arrogant “Nick Burns” techs out there– usually, the least competent of them; then there are techs who don’t know anything at all who are forced to follow pre-written scripts, unwittingly leading their callers straight down dead-end after dead-end; there are also techs who are forced by their company metrics to just get you off of the phone as quickly as possible, regardless of whether or not your problem is solved; most tragically, there are emotionally burnt out techs, for whom the period of their careers in which they gave a shit about the customers has elapsed. Unfortunately, those sorts of techs make up a pretty sizable chunk of the industry. Those sorts of techs tend to be most commonly found in the larger support organizations (ISPs, Wireless Companies, Cable Companies, etc.) that almost everybody has to deal with at some point, which gives all tech support people a bad rap.

As a result, even when you’re a good tech, people still assume that you’re a clueless dick, that’s trying to make them feel stupid, who isn’t actually trying to fix anything, is simply wasting their time, and you’ve got the pleasure of talking to them while they’re more frustrated than they’ve been years.

Techs trade stories of frustrating callers all of the time. I still get them from the guys that I worked with in the past who are still doing support. However, when I try to share them with the non-techs in my life, the opacity of the technical jargon renders them unrelatable. I wanted to remove the technical jargon and concepts from these sorts of stories to give people that have never worked in support, some idea of what it’s like to have to walk people through a technical problem over the phone.

This is what a typical support call would look like if cars were as foreign to many people as computer technology is. Try and put yourself in this technician’s shoes.

You: Car driving support, my name is (your name), could I have your name and phone number?

Caller: Hi, I’m trying to drive and it’s not working.

You: Ok, that must be frustrating, but I can definitely help you out with that. Could I get your name and phone number for my records, and so I can call you back in case we get disconnected?

Caller: Yeah, my name is Mike. My phone number is XXX-XXX-XXXX

You: Thanks Mike. What seems to be the problem?

Caller: This is REALLY frustrating. I’m late, my kid is screaming, and I’m just trying to get to the grocery store, and I’m not sure which way to turn the dial. When I try turning it, nothing happens.

You: Ok, let’s try to get this squared away so you can get back to what you’re doing. Firstly, what’s the make, model and year of the car?

Caller: Why do you need to know that?

You: Well, there’s lots of different types of vehicles out there, and not all of them have the same dials, so it would really…

Caller: It’s the biggest dial. Don’t all cars have one?

You: Ok, well just in case I have to look up your owners manual or something, it would really help me out if I knew the make and m…

Caller: It’s a Kia… I don’t know the model and year.

You: Ok, well since you’re going to the grocery store with it and you’ve got your kid with you, I’m assuming it’s not a commercial vehicle. Is it a station wagon or SUV?

Caller: I don’t know. It’s… orange?

You: Ok, well lets just try and work with that. First of all, which dial are you trying to turn?

Caller: The dial! THE dial! The big one. I flipped through the owners manual and it didn’t say anything about which way to turn it.

You: Ok, most of the dials aren’t necessary for actually operating the vehicle. Is it the radio volume dial?

Caller: NO! I’m not stupid! I know how to work the volume on the radio!

You: OK! I’m not calling anybody stupid, I’m just trying to figure out what you’re trying to…

Caller: THE DIAL! THE DIAL! I DON’T KNOW WHICH WAY TO TURN THE DIAL! JESUS! HOW HARD IS IT TO TELL ME WHICH WAY I NEED TO TURN THE BIG DIAL!?

You: I’m sorry, I know that this is frustrating, but trying to help you out as well as I can. Let’s try this from a different angle. Can you try turning the dial to see what happens?

Caller: I already TOLD you that nothing happens! I can barely even turn it!

You: Ok. Is the car moving right now, or are you parked? Is the car on or off?

Caller: The car isn’t moving. How can I tell if it’s on or off?

You: Well, do you hear any sound coming from the engine?

Caller: No, it’s pretty quiet.

You: And you don’t think your car is an electric car, right?

Caller: How the heck would I know that?!

You: Well, do you recall seeing a metal tube, part of a thing called a muffler, coming out of the back of the car?

Caller: YES I know what a MUFFLER is. Of course it has a muffler.

You: Ok, so if your car has a muffler, and it’s not making any sound, the car is probably off. What we want to do right now is turn the car on, to see if we can get a better idea of what that dial is supposed to do, so I can tell you which way to turn it.

Caller: Ok…

You: Could you put your foot on the break, press it with the amount of pressure you’d use to bring the car to a complete stop if it was moving, then in your right hand, put the key into the key key-sized-slot in the round metal disk looking area called the ignition switch, and let me know when you’ve done that.

Caller: Ok, I put my foot on the brake… … ::GRUNT:: … ::SIGH:: DAMNIT! I’m pushing it in, but my key won’t go into the in the slot. THIS IS THE SAME KEY I USED YESTERDAY?! WHY WON’T IT FIT?!

You: Well, if you look at your key, there should be a larger end with the KIA symbol, and a thinner end that’s got a bumpy pattern on it. Do you see that?

Caller: Yes

You: Ok, well make sure you put the smaller end with the bumpy pattern on it into the ignition, does it fit?

(kid screaming in the background)

Caller: Do you know how much longer is this going to take? I’ve been on the phone for WAY too long for you to just tell me which way to turn this dial.

You: Alright, I think we’re making good progress. If you put the smaller end with the bumpy pattern on it into the ignition, does it fit?

Caller: That’s what I was doing before and it didn’t work.

You: Well, could you try it for me one more time? Just so I can rule it out as part of the problem?

Caller: ::SIGH:: It’s not going to work, but fine.

(sound of car starting)

You: Oh, it sounds like the car started. That’s great!

Caller: Yeah… weird… it worked that time. The ignition hole is definitely a different size than it was when I tried the first time.

You: (?!) … Ok! Sure… that happens sometimes…

Caller: I put a new kind of gas in last time. That can change the keyhole size, right? My nephew who’s into cars said that happens with new gas.

You: (?!) Well, I’ve never seen that happen before, but the important thing is that it’s started now, so let’s move on. When you turn the dial, with the car on, does anything happen? Do you see or hear anything different?

Caller: I’m turning it and I can’t see or hear anything different. It doesn’t matter if I turn it clockwise or counter-clockwise. I can’t see or hear anything different at all, except for the sound of the front wheels turning.

You: Oh, OK! that’s a good clue. You mentioned that the front wheels turn when you turn this dial. When you said the wheels were turning, did the car remain motionless?

Caller: Yeah…

You: So could you look at your front wheels right now, then turn that dial in one direction, then look at the wheels again, do they seem to be pointing in a different direction?

Caller: The front wheels, right?

You: That’s right.

Caller: Hold on… … Yeah, they are…

You: Great… so you could probably describe the dial you’re asking about as a round hollow wheel with the button to activate the horn in the middle of it, that is positioned right above your quadriceps when you are sitting in the driver’s seat?

Caller: Quadriceps? I don’t own any. I think I’ve got a pair of pliers…

You: Sorry. Legs.

Caller: YES! I THAT’S WHAT I’VE BEEN SAYING FROM THE BEGINNING! THE BIG DIAL! HOW ARE YOU JUST FIGURING THIS OUT?!

You: Ok Mike, well what you’ve got there is generally referred to as a steering wheel.

Caller: How in the world am I supposed to remember exactly what all of this shit is called?

You: Yeah, all of the terms can definitely be a bit confusing. It took me a while to memorize them. So when you are driving, the steering wheel is used to change the direction the car is moving in, by changing the angle of the wheels.

Caller: Wha?

You: So, the car, when it’s moving forward, it moves in the same direction that the wheels are pointed. When you need to change the direction in which the car is moving, because you need to change lanes, make a turn, or avoid an obstacle for example, you need to use that big dial, the steering wheel, to change the direction of the wheels.

Caller: Ohhhh… NOW I’m starting to remember… But when I turn it now, nothing happens. The car just stays in the same spot. PLEASE don’t tell me I need to buy a new one…

You: Nope, you shouldn’t need a new one. The wheels are still changing direction, but since the car is not moving, it won’t affect the motion of the car. When you start driving, when you turn it, the car will also turn.

Caller: Are you sure? I don’t want to have to call you back in like ten minutes.

You: If you like, I can stay on the phone while you test it out.

Caller: Yeah, sure.

(sounds of driving)

Caller: Oh my god, I feel so stupid. I totally remember how this works now. I’m so sorry to have wasted your time!

You: It wasn’t a waste! That’s my job. I’m just glad we got that squared away for you.

Caller: Thanks! You’re a lifesaver.

You: Good luck driving to the grocery store! Bye!

And the very instant you hear the click of the phone, your phone blows up with another call… nonstop. Now do this 150 more times per day, and that is the life of a technical support representative.