Breaking the Silence

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I’ve been quiet for a while. But today, wrongly or rightly, I feel like being a little bit louder. Fair warning: this is not ‘Happy Highlight Reel’ kind of stuff. So, if that’s your thing, scroll on. (Also, if you hate long, rambling posts, with loose ends that don’t tie up nicely, stop reading now, because this one’s a doozy.)

I’ve been through a lot in the past two years – separation, divorce, financial duress, losing my home, losing most of my pets and possessions, losing people I called family, losing people I called friends – yet I’ve barely written about it. My blog is barren. My Instagram is sparse. Why? In part, because I’ve been emotionally and physically exhausted, but – more worryingly – in part, because I’ve been afraid of how people might react.

I’ve been worried about criticisms and judgements. I’ve been worried about ‘rocking boats’ and ‘ruffling feathers’. I’ve been worried about being hated or disliked. (I’ve even been worried about being seen or heard.)

I’ve been afraid to speak my truth.

Unfortunately, life has taught me many sad, painful lessons, one of which is this: most people don’t want to hear the truth (especially when it has to do with hardship, struggle or conflict). Some people see honesty and openness as weakness or pettiness. They prefer good times to bad and a shocking number of them will turn their backs the moment the going gets complicated or tough.

But I have to ask… what is the point of having friendships, relationships (or even family-ships) if I can’t be my true, raw, vulnerable self? What is the point of having creative outlets if I can’t be creative and use them as outlets? What is the point of social media if I can’t be social?

And so… today I am giving myself permission to speak, in whatever way helps, going forward. I needn’t worry about anyone else, because their reactions are their responsibility. My truth is still valid, no matter what.

I don’t even know if the words will come, but as a very first step, I am telling myself it’s OK if they do.

Because it is.

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