7 Lessons from 7 Years: Life after the loss of a father

Angie Mitchell
Aug 23, 2017 · 6 min read

August 20, 2017 marked 7 years since I lost my father. I have learned so much from the absence of my father over the past 7 years and have grown so much as an individual. Although I still miss him everyday, this new life has given me a new outlook on life and a new love and acceptance of myself. The past 7 years have been filled with new perspectives and gained knowledge. Here are just a few things I’ve picked up along the way:

  1. Independence. I had my dad with me for 18 years, and in that time, I relied on him for so much: changing the oil in my car, fixing a broken drawer, putting together a new desk, killing a spider in my bedroom, changing the lightbulbs I couldn’t reach. For 18 years, I took for granted everything that my father did for me. Over the past 7 years, I have had to learn how to do much of this on my own. Often, this has taken some creativity. I watch a lot of “how to” videos on YouTube and Google nearly everything from how to file taxes to how to unclog a drain. I’ve learned that if I stand in the bathroom sink and balance on the shower curtain rod, I can change that hard to reach lightbulb. I’ve learned how to assemble a pullout couch by myself and how to drop a car off for an oil change because I will never understand cars. I’ve learned how to pay my rent and manage my bills and provide for myself. I’ve also learned that sometimes being independent means asking for help. Being independent means knowing my limitations and reaching out when the going gets tough.
  2. The value of women. My dad was a man’s man through and through: masculine, tough, hands-on, a bit stubborn, and definitely the strongest person I knew. After he died, not only did I lose my father but I also lost the main male presence in my life. Over the past 7 years, as I have been navigating adulthood and developing myself into the woman I am, I have learned to appreciate the value of women on a deeper level. When I learned how to live my life without depending on a man, my worldview opened up. I began to develop a new admiration and respect for the women in my life as well as a strong desire to be a strong, successful, and independent woman myself. Losing my father reminded me that strength does not only lie within the physicality of a person, but rather in the resilience, passion, tenacity, and courage that is displayed by so many of the women in my life. I am proud to have had such a strong father for 18 years but even prouder of the strong woman he made me into.
  3. Strength lies within. After losing my father so suddenly, my world was shattered; I inevitably thought I would fall apart and never survive such a devastating loss. But I did survive. Even amongst some of the hardest circumstances of my life, I have been reminded just how strong I truly am. These 7 years have certainly been a challenge, but here I am, living a life I am proud of and finding meaning in ways I never imagined. For me, strength is learning to be challenged and find your way through to the other side; it’s searching for hope even in the most hopeless of circumstances; it’s more than just surviving, it’s thriving against all odds. If you asked me 7 years where I would be at the age of 25, I never would have imagined I would be living in New York City with my masters about to start a job at one of the top hospitals in the city. If I have learned anything from the loss of my father, it is that I am strong enough to overcome whatever challenges life throws my way.
  4. Life moves on. When your whole life falls apart, you expect time to stand still; you expect everyone to pause and take part in your misery with you, an unrealistic assumption at best. You can’t imagine moving on and are angered by those around you who continue on with their daily lives. This is something I struggled with for quite some time and at times, still struggle with…the idea that you can be in so much pain but life moves on anyways whether you’re ready or not. It has taken me a long time to realize and accept that life does move on, and the best thing we can do is to move on with it. My father would not want me to be in pain; he would want me to be living my life, happy and surrounded by the ones I care about. These 7 years have helped me to realize that moving on does not have to mean letting go but rather learning to live a new life. I am now learning to move on and live a new life, but I know my dad will always be apart of me no matter where I go in life and his memory will never fade.
  5. Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional. Over the years this has become one of my favorite quotes and a phrase I look to often for comfort. It serves as a reminder that we are not destined to suffer, although it may feel that way at times. There are days when I feel like everything is out of my control and my life is destined for pain and suffering. But then I think back to this saying. Bad things are going to happen that’s a fact; pain is an inescapable part of life, also a fact. However, we don’t have to suffer because of it. We are worthy of happiness and love and freedom from suffering. For so long, I believed I would suffer forever and didn’t deserve to be happy. But then I realized, I deserve to be happy just as much as anyone else. There has been pain in my life, but there has also been growth and new beginnings. It has taken me a long time to reframe my way of thinking to understand that pain really is inevitable, but we don’t have to suffer because of it.
  6. There is no shame in the truth. After my father’s death, it took years for me to speak openly about it; ultimately, I felt shame. It wasn’t until more recently that I began to appreciate the healing benefits of being open about my experiences, not only for myself but also for those around me. Since opening up to others and sharing posts online, I have been touched tremendously by the outpouring of love and support I have received. I have also been inspired by those coming forward with similar stories, thanking me for my openness or finding comfort and enlightenment in my stories. For me, speaking out and writing is a cathartic process that allows me to process in my own way. However, it also is a way for me to connect to others in a way I never could have imagined. I want to use my words to inspire others and bring comfort to those who need it most. No longer do I feel the need to hide behind my past; I choose to speak out with openness and honesty so that I may touch the lives of others as so many others have touched mine.
  7. Appreciation. As cliche as it sounds, when you lose someone suddenly, you often gain a new appreciation for life. Many people will tell you they find new appreciation for their own life and the lives of those around them; others will tell you they appreciate the little things in life. While all of this is true, I gained an appreciation for the good and the bad. I learned to appreciate those around me and the precious moments of life that we often take for granted, but I also learned to appreciate the challenging ones as well. I wouldn’t be where I am today if it weren’t for those bad moments, and almost certainly wouldn’t be a social worker. Now more than ever I appreciate the transformative effect of grief and the beauty of struggle. I appreciate those moments that test us and make us realize what is important in our lives and what is not. I appreciate those people who challenge us and make us what to be better people. But above all, I appreciate the many life lessons I have learned over the years, often derived from bad moments. Without these bad moments in life, we wouldn’t be able to fully appreciate the good when they come along.

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Angie Mitchell

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NYC Adventurer | Social Worker | Celeb Enthusiast

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