Body dysmorphia
The agonising voice in my head
I’ve got this voice in my head. It tells me that I am gross. It tells me that I weigh too much. It tells me that I can only truly be happy when I lose enough weight and can see my ribs clearly. This voice in my head is loud and vicious. It clouds my brain with self hate. It often debilitates me to the degree that I am unable go to work or have fun.
Every morning when I get dressed my brain is hot wired to chastise myself because the waist band of my jeans are getting tighter. It actually isn’t but my brain is so used to judging my size that it does so naturally, almost compulsively.
I’ve always “struggled with my weight”. I’ve never been “skinny” and therefore in my mind I’ve never been valid or valuable. In the mirror I saw every undesirable aspect of my body as illuminated. I was so shy about my body that I have never been able to change in front of anyone, not even my closest of girl friends.
I’ve never felt sexy, sensual or alluring. I was completely unable to internalise any positive feedback about my body. I honestly thought people were lying to me. How could they think my body is good enough to receive compliments? DO THEY NOT SEE WHAT I SEE?
In my second year of studying Psychology, we dealt with the topic of body image and related illnesses. I found a term, something that would change the way I related to the vicious voice in my head forever.
Body Dysmorphic Disorder:
The term Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD) describes a disabling preoccupation with perceived defects or flaws in appearance. It can affect both men and women, and makes sufferers excessively self-conscious. Onlookers are frequently perplexed because they can see nothing out of the ordinary, but BDD causes devastating distress and interferes substantially with the ability to function socially
Yes ladies and gentlemen. This means that the distorted image I was seeing in the mirror and the vicious voice in my head had a name! This was both a happy and a terrifying realisation. In fact, most eating disorders are fueled by BDD. This means anorexia, bulimia and overeating etc. BDD also affects people differently. In some cases one can be obsessive about a specific body part and in others everything about your outward appearance offends your senses. The important thing to remember is that BDD often has a huge effect on life quality.
According to the DSM-5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders — Fifth Edition) BDD is diagnosed when three criteria are met:
1. Preoccupation
First, the sufferer must be either preoccupied with an imagined defect in their appearance or excessively concerned about a slight physical anomaly.
2. Distress
Secondly, the sufferer must be significantly distressed by their preoccupation or excessive concern with their appearance and/or be impaired in terms of what work-related and social activities they can participate in.
3. Not Something Else
Finally, their preoccupation must not be better diagnosed under the heading of a different mental illness, such as anorexia, where body image is also a factor.
I decided to learn everything I can about BDD. I scoured every library book, online journal and internet articles. I cried. I cried so much. I saw myself, 14 years old, refusing to put on a bathing suit like my friends and being made fun of because of it. BDD completely alienated me from my life.
The thing is, I’ve realised that this narrative in my brain is actually complete bullshit, but I still give into the self depreciating voice that calls me a gross, unloveable creature. It is only recently, in my late 20’s that I am learning to like my body, don’t get me wrong though, we still have issues with one another but I am more forgiving to it and kinder to myself.
I am allowing myself to wear things I would never have worn in a million years, even though it still makes me want to check my outfit a hundred times a day (it’s true, I counted). Every morning I try to look at my body and really “see” it, see it for what it is, a vehicle that helps me travel through life. I try to pick one thing I like about my body each day and give myself affirmations throughout the day, especially when I am feeling really anxious about my appearance.
Light at the end of the tunnel
I know I am not alone in this, there are many people who suffer with BDD and let me tell you, those are some amazing people. They are some of the most supportive people I’ve ever met and we help each other cope with the agonising voice. There are loads of resources online that will not only give you more information about BDD but help you deal with it. Just know that you are not alone, I am here and so are many other people. Reach out and talk about it. It feels better after talking about it. I promise.
I will be writing more about BDD, watch this space :)
