Lean on Diary

26.7.2015

College starts tomorrow. Rather I’ll start going from tomorrow. If only I manage to wakeup on time. Started writing because sometimes I feel I have so much to share, so much inside. But I have no one to talk to. I have tried talking it out with people, but eventually everyone goes. Fares, Sean, Sid, Sarthak who not. And just when someone starts listening, I feel like I’m getting close to that person. Is this vulnerability or what? I need some comfort. Someone to talk to. And someone who listens and understands and still doesn’t give up on me. After breakup with JD, and those series of events in Goa I feel I have changed, for bad. Not that I miss that choot, but. It left a negative impact on me. Say by increasing my laziness. I hardly go out, talk to people, get ready, get dressed to look good, hardly feel like meeting even the closest ones. Infact, I have lost interest in everything. AIESEC too. I used to getup on a random day take a long bath, apply my liner my perfume and wear good shit and just be kickass ready. For nothing. It used to make me feel happy. I don’t do that anymore now. What I do everyday is sit and watch movies. Just this. And cook, sometimes. Bathing has become a pain in the ass. I would sleep around 4 in the morning and wakeup anytime between 1–3pm.

Things happen, I feel like sharing them to people. But I still remember what Sakshi said, I am 20 now and I have dated 20+ boys. I have developed this habit of leaning on someone, sharing, giving it all. And just when I find that someone who listens, I give in. No matter how bad/good the person is I’ll feel attached. And I would want to talk to that person forever. And I would want him to like me and listen to me and be with me. Yes, that’s vulnerability.

But now, I take this decision to not talk it out to people. For my own good. Until and unless I come out strong, I will not “Lean on” on anyone. I need to be strong, and content with myself. Need to love myself more. But what about sharing? At times you really need someone to listen to you. And understand. Understand! That’s it. Also well, pamper you, at times.
But I guess that’s where the challenge lies. Need to stop that. Need someone to voluntarily come and talk. Someone who wants to know you, the real you, your depths. The cracks and crevices, the dark secrets. Everything.

Till then, I shall wait. And be strong. :)