Gone Guys of Tinder

Tinder, the new social dating app is painting the cyberspace red. Members of all social classes are hooked onto the mobile app that has started taxing its users for undoing deleted options and using multiple geographical entries. This wonderful app has suffered my anxieties and fury during my 5-month stay. I will not lie. I have come across douchebags and despicable douchebags (intense swearing) on it. The few good guys and girls proved to be a silver lining in the cloud. But let’s get back to the douchebags.

Since my idle mind wanted a dash of excitement during my holidays at home, I downloaded the app that created a big buzz on social networks. Tinder. The fact that I live in Mauritius helped generate the local folks and tourists as well. My socially inept self had found a middle ground between seclusion and socialisation. I could choose the people that I wanted to meet and discuss beforehand our shared interests.

Living as a university student in India already prepared me for potholes. I meant it metaphorically here. Since Tinder basically works on your first impression for “liking” or “disliking” someone’s profile, it looks pretty shallow. That certainly bugged me initially. I went from dressing up my profile meticulously to yelling mayhem with just one line: “why the hell are you on this degenerate app?!” Over time, I learnt that first impressions often took a Holmesian turn. I would analyse the photos of the person and his bio (if ever it contained some bits of English and French), deciphering the facial expressions, the objects in the background and the use of particular words. Here are some examples:

The Mask

Some people love to include a picture with a Halloween/clown mask. Was that a signal to other Tinder users that he can be terrifyingly cool?

The inexperienced Selfie

Some people truly suck at the art of selfie. I am not being harshly critical. It’s a fact that can be verified. One can very well see a woman just in front of the guy. Maybe he could have used her help the next time he tries to look “hip” with the sunglasses on fire.

The Awesome Adjective Addict

Indeed this guy looks like everything he rattled away in his bio. He is so non-conformist that he is being fed beer by a woman like a baby drinking from his milk bottle. When his hunger has still not been satisfied, he will ask to be fed Bledina-style fish curry in an authoritative tone. He cannot wait; he looks at the mirror every morning before jumping on a private jet to go to work. That political veneer would make nuns drool, I’m sure.

The Lecherous Opportunist

Some people feel like a lingerie-clad white Victoria’s Secret model on some days. But not on Tinder. This is an explicit call for hookers.

Formula 1 Forever

Remember how we are taught ABC in kindergarten? Looking at same chart everyday to memorise the alphabets. Some Tinder users apply that method at times. They either display one particular photo 5 times on their profile. The above mentioned guy hammered his love of motorcycles and helmets likewise into my head.

The Anti-Grammar cool dude

The “amasing” (cringing) profile turns out to be so infested with misspellings that his perfect first line echoes with his last word like a chorus singing in a cavern.

Where’s your face, man?

Living in a tropical island has its perks of course but to the extent that we identify with the natural features? NO. A dating app that relies on your photos and age would not attract people if you post photos of sea urchins and underwater plants instead of your face.

The Odd-looking guy

Oddities in photos are great conversation starters. “Why are you lying sideways on the rock carving at the waterfront?” Sure enough, it’s bound to spark interest. But a text-imprinted photo always signals pathetic representation. “What u want” at the base of an interior-sunglasses-covered face deciding whether to dance like a penguin or gobble up jelly bears looks creepy enough.

All in all, Tinder looks promising on the outside for online dating but on the inside, some people appear terribly comical or outright strange. Up to you to choose: swipe right or left?

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