Moving On

I wanted to do a day-two, day-three play-by-play of the breakup.

I wanted to acknowledge the lived reality of the emotional rollercoaster. The moments of deep, terrifying sadness of losing my partner of six years, losing my financial safety net, losing the love, the shared meals, the cuddles, the partnership.

But I couldn’t write about it. The sadness was consuming. I couldn’t get through a day without crying. I couldn’t sleep, wasn’t eating, was feeling so very fragile. I felt like I had lost my spark.

But then there were these moments of brightness, of joy. There was suddenly an acknowledgement that I had all the space in the world to explore, and to become the emotional and sexual self that I felt like was lost along the way. The sparkle of lust for new humans, the excitement at the human I can develop into.

It has been a huge emotional investment to dive this deep in our shit, my shit, his shit. Six years is a lot of time to develop patterns, and similar to how I turn into a bitchy 13 year-old around my parents, I become this other version of myself when he and I are together. Acquiescent, jealous, contemptuous, insecure.

not us

We struggled with big questions. What parameters did we set for sex with others? How often did we want to date? Where should we live? What are our life goals, separately and together?

We struggled with unmet expectations: the weight of these unsaid and unmet expectations bred resentment. And this resentment burned like a slow fire until I was furious. Ready to throw things. Feeling a rage that I’d not felt before towards another human.

We struggled with honesty. I didn’t felt like I was being heard, so eventually I stopped feeling like I could be honest. I tried to go along with so many ideas, adventures, playdates. It was hard to say no to him.

But all of these things… I always believed that we’d be able to work through them together. But we couldn’t, and it’s unclear whether we can find common ground between two lives that have diverged so dramatically.

And so I work daily on peeling back the layers. Meditation, prayer, quiet time, ocean play, some psychedelics, therapy. It’s hard to feel grounded — the emotions still swing, though less dramatically. But everyday there is acknowledgement that I’m setting down roots for this little tree that I’m growing into. Follow me on Medium to watch the journey.