How we Used the Elf to Teach our Kid to Not Be a Jerk

And/or ways we tortured ourselves trying to get the point across that you (the royal you, not you the reader… I mean, maybe you the reader- that’s between you are the Good Lord) can not be an a$$hat and expect everyting to continue to go your way.

Confession: Jack has been a bit of a terrorist lately, but in true #jackjackattack fashion, he always admits openly when he wreaks havoc. I think it’s a middle-child thing- he just wants credit where credit’s due, you know?


It was somewhat serendipidous when he admitted to touching our Elf on the MF’ing Shelf (Charlie) on Friday. For those that don’t know, Shelf Elves lose their “flynig back to the North Pole each night” magic if they are touched by a human. Elves are suposed to be left alone so they can watch how evryone behaves each day, and each night, they (Elves, not kids) fly back and report the kids’ bahavior to Santa. Then before the kids wake up, they fly back and land in a new spot to voyeristically watch their family again, each day until Christmas. Honestly, it’s a great lesson on consensual touching; I certainly lose MY magic if someone touches me without permission, and what better 
way of teaching kids about consent that with a non-verbal, stuffed Elf that will one day be reavealed to be a total fraud and simply a game your parent’s played …

Well that went South rather quickly.

But still- Jack believes in the magic, so making him (the Elf, not Jack) disappear seemed like the perfect passive-aggressive way to discipline his ridiculous behavior as of late. I was also not upset about not having to find a place for the dang Elf for a few days while he (the Elf, not Jack) was getting his magic back.

Since his (the Elf’s, not Jack’s) mysterious mid-day disappearance (because the added drama of a day-time departure was #necessary), the following things have happened:

1. Jack has declared Santa and Charlie to be fake and stupid.

2. Jack has expressed deep remorse for saying Santa and Charlie were fake and stupid.

3. Jack decided to write a letter to Santa and Charlie (i.e. dictate to ME, who had to write the letter, sentance for run-on sentance) asking for forgiveness.

4. While we (I) were (was) writing the letter, I discoverd Jack had given himself a small haircut (it’s worh it to note I’d just taken the boys for haircuts THE DAY BEFORE) on the top of his head. Letter-writing ceased temporarily because Charlie was too scared to come back to a house with an amateur barber who cut hair without permission. Panic and desperation ensued. All scissors were confiscated, apologies were made and accepted, and letter writing resumed.

5. Jack didn’t like how he signed his name on said letter, so we (I) had to rewrite the letter so he could re-sign it. Because of course.

6. The letter had to go in the mailbox, and then obviously it had to “magically disappear” because THE NORTH POLE DOES NOT HAVE COLORADO PICKUP OR DELIVERY ON THE WEEKENDS. Obviously.

7. We then had to visit Santa at the mall so Jack could also plead his case in person.

8. The line was too long to see Santa so he (Jack, not Santa) SHOUTED HIS REQUEST FOR CHARLIE’S RETURN ACROSS THE LINE OF TORTURED SOULS WAITING TO SEE HIM (Santa, not Jack).

9. Honestly, the shouting thing at the mall was weak, so we decided to go to the Light Parade in Denver that night where Jack again SHOUTED HIS REQUEST FOR CHARLIE’S RETURN AT THE SANTA ATOP THE 15FT FLOAT. This Santa waved politely (I think to the kid sitting behind us, honestly), but this was apparently confirmation enough for Jack, who then said, “He (Santa, not Charlie) heard us. I’m ready to see what happens.” Oh are you now? Me too, kid. Me effing too.

10. Apparently “Santa and Charlie” DID hear him/received his letter because this morning, a card from the “North Pole” appeared at our front door saying he (Charlie, not Jack) had forgiven him and he’d be back soon as he was “still getting better at the Elf Hospital” (again, this lack of finding a spot for the Elf has been pleasant, so I’m rolling with it).

11. Jack was very excited but also concerned for his (Charlie’s, not Jack’s) well-being and wonders if he’ll make a full recovery.

12. HusBen and I decided to find out where on his Elf body Jack touched Charlie (#metoo?) so we could bandage it (because we hate ourselves and like to make more work for our already tired souls). Luckily, it was his “right-shin-leg-part”.

13. Bandaids don’t really stick to cheap, felt, “right-shin-leg-parts” of gangly elves, so we (Ben and I, not Santa) had to fashion a cast/bandage wrap of some sort that will stay on for a day or two.

14. I also now need to write an, “I’m (Charlie, not me) back, b*%tches, but don’t touch me EVER. AGAIN” letter to accompany his (Charlie’s, not Jack’s) return.

15. Depending on his (Jack’s, not Charlie’s) behavior, Charlie is anticipatd to make his (gnarly-bandaged) return tomorrow morning, accompanied by the letter I still have to write.

16. I don’t know why I thought this was a good idea.

Will update tomorrow-ish (I say “ish” because I’m tired and don’t do well with self-imposed deadlines) once Charlie has been discovered.

So that’s that. In the meantime, Jack’s been playing with our nativity set and taking gently to Baby Jesus like a convict who’s about to get parolled…this ought to end well.

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