My love-hate relationship with basketball

I don’t love basketball. It doesn’t make me happy. I despise it at times. Most of the times actually. Yet I can’t imagine a life without it. I get nervous when I force myself to think about what comes after playing ball. I am not planning on doing it for much longer. I don’t like the way it makes me feel and yet I can’t imagine not feeling that way.

Andre Agassi said, “I play tennis for a living, even though I hate tennis, hate it with a dark and secret passion and always have.” Now think about that, one of the world’s best tennis players, hates what he does. He wanted to quit, more than once. But he never did. Because he is hooked. He can’t imagine life without tennis. Yet, he doesn’t enjoy it. He doesn’t enjoy the endless hours of workouts, the wins, the fans that constantly support him. He simply doesn’t.

Elena Della Donne has a similar opinion, “I blamed basketball for taking me away from home. I hated the sport. Every time I played basketball, I felt sick to my stomach.” She is one of the greatest players out there, yet she dislikes the sport she plays.

You can ask many athletes, and I am almost certain that a lot of them will tell you, what I am trying to explain to you right now. They don’t do their sport because they think it is fun. They don’t do it because it puts an instant smile on their face. They do it — I do it, because of the way it makes me feel. I live for basketball. A big part of my life evolves around it.

Basketball is the reason I had a free education. It is the reason right now I am getting paid and I am able to live a comfortable life. So why don’t I love it?

Why would an athlete hate his/her sport and not adore everything about it? It is simple, yet I don’t expect you to understand it.

If you commit to playing a sport professionally, you also commit to it taking over your life. Everything you do evolves around your sport, even hours after your workouts or games. The meal you eat, if you go out to party or not, if you have a drink or if you will just order some water, no matter what decision, your sport is always in the back of your mind. It gets exhausting. You just want to run. Hide. You want to make your own decisions, instead of having your sport control everything for you.

It is an assumption that professional athletes love what they do. And I get it. How couldn’t we? We get paid to workout. We get paid to do something we SUPPOSEDLY love more than anything. Professional athletes have everything other people can only dream of — Fame, Fortune, Long vacations.

Yes, being here at this very point was always a dream of mine. I wanted to play in America. I did it. I wanted to play professional after. I am currently doing it. I managed, with the help of basketball, to reach most of my goals. And yet, I can’t help but wonder, what now? I am longing for something else and I can’t explain what it is.

I am terrified of a life, that doesn’t have basketball in it, but I am also terrified of a life that only surrounds around it. It seems no matter what way I chose, I can’t win.

I don’t love basketball. But I do appreciate all the things it has done for me. It is only a matter of time now, until I will take off my basketball shoes for the very last time. I know I will be okay. I know I won’t miss playing the sport I once loved so much. What I will miss is the rush I felt, the feelings of control, knowing that only I can decide how good of a player I wanted to be.

Basketball was the reason I felt at my lowest and my highest. It knocked me down more times than I can count. It stresses me out and it constantly gives me the feeling that I will never be good enough no matter how hard I try. But yet, basketball is also a part of me. A big part. Something that belongs to me. Something I need even.

I don’t love basketball, but we get along most of the times.

We are almost at a cross road, basketball and I. One year, maybe two. That’s it. That’s all I have left. I don’t know how life without basketball will feel like. But I know I am ready for it. Not today and not tomorrow. But very very soon.