Hi. My name is Xyz. I know I know.. You are wondering all the different ways to pronounce it at the same time of assuming my parents are hippies. Zies. You grammar nuts got it right the first time.
I’ve of course been the butt of many jokes — especially being the butt end of the alphabet. With the English language as it is — many have found it hard to pronounce my name. Add in the fact that some crazy people out there come up with unique and non grammar ways to spell a child’s name and I have been called things like exise, exwise, cross eyes (thanks Mom and Dad), Cross Wise. You get the gist. Especially when there are parents who spell their kids name with symbols. For example car-ian (Kardashian) — (Sorry Kim and family).
Try filling out a job application. In high school I quickly learned two things. No one knows grammar anymore, and companies assume I am turning in a joke resume (or am too dumb to read it). I learned to put the pronunciation in parenthesis. That too didn’t always work.
No I am not a smart ass. I just get asked a few times a day how my name is pronounced.
As a kid I asked Santa once for a middle name. You know the second choice kids have if they don’t like the first one their parents gave them? My parents were all to smart for that.
I asked them many times — WHY, especially when teased. They never answered truthfully. Always some crazy story. When I got older and smarter I asked why they didn’t later change it. They said it stuck. I was sure when I was old enough I was going to change it for myself… but it stuck. And no, my parents aren’t hippies. They are actually writers. You got it, grammar nuts. I often for revenge add extra commas in my letters to them and on days I am really pissed I skip periods. In fact, when we told my parents my wife was pregnant — we skipped all the periods in the letter to them — and didn’t at all mention the baby. What’s scary is that stupid letter about a random boring day with no periods — was all they needed to know she was having a baby. Grammar nuts.
In college I at first tried to go by X. It didn’t work. I tried Z (as it sounded more like my name) and people just sorta looked through me. Until this one kid, we all know the type, the legendary long term college student. The so cool he’s dripping with girls (and boys) who are in love with him. Yet truthfully he has no life. Anyway, the dude started screaming “He has exorcised the demons!” every time I walked by — pointing clearly at me. I have no idea how he got from Xyz to exise to exorcise but — he did.
Then I met my wife in the school library when trying to check out a book and my card didn’t go through. She looked me up in another system and I heard her mumble my name under her breath, correctly. You got it people, she knew how to pronounce it without even asking. I think that was the moment I knew I needed to spend the rest of my life with her. I checked out a lot of books over the next month before I asked her out. Her first question about me? What ARE you studying, none of the books you have checked out are related to each other in any way I can see. So I told her the truth, I stalked her and anytime she looked back at me I grabbed the nearest book I could and checked it out.
I even checked out a book called “How to Succeed in Business Without a Penis” by Karen Salmanson.
And she still married me.
