OWN YOUR MEANNESS
I have found that the phrase that suggests that making oneself too available can be a problem . I work in a beautiful studio with one of the best soaps running across Africa. My nature is mostly playful because I have or used to have anger issues . I listened to people and what they had to say about my manner when I an angry. So,after two divorces and so many failed relationships, thoughts of suicide and the esteemed title of single motherhood, only I decided to put up an extremely polite front .
It is more out of fear of what I become when I am pushed. Forgiveness is a huge mountain for me and I hate to climb it. It takes me forever to decide that I am offended,but when I do however chose a fight , the first thing I become is silent in so loud a voice.
Over the years I made sure to amass *friends* who can stand by me when I am pained in anyway. My so called celebrity status may not permit me to actually beat up someone (a skill I learned secretly in secondary school),yet I can cause such a rubble. I get my point either way ,somehow.
You see,sympathy and an inner pull towards humanity has always been in me from a very tender age. I took this from my father,the most generous human I have ever seen . I have loved him from the word go as he always made it seem like giving is second nature. And so true it should be;I have come to also understand that human nature is bizarre. That is me trying to put it politely.
In Lagos where I live, the grind is real. I have two jobs and some by the side. Trying to build my own house and ignoring my inheritance is not easy. People around me find me some sort of enigma,I think. At first they see this woman,with two children and a crazy hair do.Then they see me drive in at 5am on some mornings. In their heads I must have gone partying . I couldn’t be bothered. There is food on the table and the children have to wear designers. Over the years,I mastered playing fool. So many have fallen for this move . They view me as weak,too stupid, a walk over and I gladly accept for even I fear what I hold and must hold back. The only reason ,these days why I shake the chain,is all now for amusement and for the further conviction that humans humans mostly will prefer to receive than give . They prefer to speak their earnest opinions behind you than to you. Humans find it difficult to accept the word NO. I learned to thrive in observing people insist on what I have .
At a temporary office where I worked for a year, a co worker got close to me and for reasons I understood clearly . She saw me as a very easy target to lunches and free drinks and thought she could talk about the banter myself and her made. I had tried o ignore her for the longest but she had pressured so much,I gave in. Nothing wrong in having someone fill you up on some office gist when we did lunch or grabbed shawarma ,in my case that would be chicken and chips. I introduced Philo to Voka mixed with ginger and for a free rider ,she always took more than a fair share of her cell demand.
And so whatever I wanted to hear or not,about work, I received freely. For reasons that had nothing to do with anything but work, I politely told her that I couldn’t give her access to my wi fi. At first she said that I had to give her to days access so she could tidy up. I paid extra on my wifi . After two days ,I insisted and actually cut her off and then all hell let loose. I stepped back and watched as I became the meanest bitch o walk the surface of Mars,how I parade my self as an actress but indeed I had slept through the whole industry; so many I couldn’t count until I decided to send a message to this beautiful single mother ,like myself who I had so given gifts and some form of luxury. I told the nearest gossip to make her understand that she was appreciated none. As long as her yakking didn’t put food on my table for my children, yak on. As long as it didn’t put a smile on the faces of the inhabitants of my favourite orphanage, yak on. The very next day ,I said “ good morning, Phili" and I continued to do so until it made her look so bad,the Sam people she yakked to started ignoring her and I still hadn’t said one thing about all she told me . Until that contract ended ,I enjoyed that part the most .
Point is , MOST people will expoilt your pocket,your emotions,your realness but will never want you to stop especially when you decide to stop. This ,irrespective of the fact that what you offer, they can do for themselves too.
When you give of yourself, be it for fun or because of a genuine need to help,do it without expecting anything in return . When you feel the need to withdraw, do not ever feel that heaven is closed up to you. Do either for inner peace . That place where no one can force you to be un real. In my case I do take it a notch further. I like to awaken people to that inner place in them they prefer to take all and never want to sacrifice .For me nothing beats the satisfaction on the face of anyone I sacrifice for. The climax is the reaction when I stop sacrificing. That determines continuance. Some awaken and understand that my NO means, you too should and some curse you out for it all. Enjoy both.It could be because I practise four religions,it could be because I have been in a very dark place before,it could just be for the sheer fact of being an artist …I own my conscientious meanness though. Life is too short … too short.
I OWN IT