A Ritual for Healing from Sexual Abuse
In 2011, one third of women in the U.S. reported that they had been victims of sexual assault (rape, stalking, beating, or a combination of assaults). If that definition were widened to include the far more common sorts of sexual abuse described in my first post, the percentage of us whose hearts have been damaged, voices silenced, and power shamed or weakened in some way by sexual abuse would, it seems safe to guess, approach close to 100%. And if that is the situation in the U.S., where women are in one of the strongest positions on the planet, imagine what it is in other parts of the world where women’s rights are far more severely curtailed, voices far more severely shut down.
Unfortunately for those of us who have experienced sexual abuse, it seems pretty clear that ignoring such an experience, no matter how long you ignore it, cannot make it go away. Stored intact in your body’s memory for years, decades, or for an entire life, the repressed memories of times when you disassociated from your body and denied your emotions will drain away at your energy like little invisible vampires until you finally allow yourself to experience them fully and move forward. So healing from sexual abuse is essential to live our lives to our fullest potential.
There are so many of us. Each of us has our own fully unique healing path to follow. As I am sure you have learned, no matter how much support we have, we must be the ones who heal ourselves, and no-one else can do this essential and intimate work for us. Yet we can also help each other — not only by speaking out but also by sharing what works. The good news is that, as those of us who are in the midst of the healing process already know, healing is possible and can be quite a simple process. I designed the following ritual for my own healing, and I hope it will also be helpful to others, of any gender, who are trying to regain your power after incidents of sexual abuse or violation.
Please remember, as you do the ritual, if anything takes you out of the moment, it’s fine to stop doing it. We all have different backgrounds and capacities for ritual, and since this is a ritual for you alone, its only value or point is what honestly works for you. If all you can do sincerely with this ritual is to sit on your couch and read it aloud, that’s ok, since the most important thing is to be honest with yourself. But, that said, remember that ritual only comes alive and does its fullest work of communicating with your unconscious when it is performed and enacted in your body. So acting it out will be most effective, and if you can only bring yourself to read it, be sure at least to say the words aloud.
A Ritual for Healing from Sexual Abuse
Prepare Yourself. Nurture yourself in the best way you feel called to do before the ritual. You could eat and sleep well, bathe, anoint yourself with oils, and/or connect with yourself spiritually through nature, an altar or meditation space, or an author or musician who nurtures you.
Label the Incidents (Optional). If you would like to prepare ahead, you could think about which incidents you want to heal from and which part of your body you remember them in. Then give each incident a label. Remember that you are not required to use the perpetrator’s name or to think of them in any way; this not about them anymore. You are free to label the abusive experience from your own point of view, using words that resonate with you and hold only your own experience of the abuse. So, rather than naming an incident “what xx made me do in his car,” instead you could call it “the penis-touching in the car” or even “the time my hand wasn’t mine.” It’s about you only. As an example, to heal from incidents I describe in my first post, I chose the labels “I call back my power from “Joey wants your pussy.”” I call back my power from the hand on the thigh.” “I call back my power from the tongue in the mouth.” “I call back my power from the rape in the eyes.”
Or, you may not need to prepare at all. If you prefer to be completely spontaneous, it’s fine to let all your words arise for the first time during the ritual itself. When in doubt, as always, proceed in the way that makes you feel happiest.
Prepare the Space. If possible, do the ritual alone in private, or in a group with people you completely trust. Make the space clear of clutter and warm enough so you will stay relaxed. It is best to be naked, or wearing a loose robe you can remove quickly if you want. Have a glass of water or a healing drink (such as nettle infusion) handy, and maybe a light shawl or scarf you can use for dancing or comfort. Before you begin, purify the place. Simple tools for this include scent (burning sage or incense, sprinkling essential oil), movement (dance, yoga or simple circling movements done with the intention to purify), and/or sound (a bell or chime, or simply your voice singing or saying, “this is a safe space”). Take all the time you need to make sure you will really feel safe here.
PART 1: Take Your Power Back and Invite in the Earth
Stand in the prepared space. Raise your left arm, and slowly turn counterclockwise.* For each incident (or group of incidents) you want to cleanse, feel the energy in your left hand, focus on the incident, and refer to it by its label, saying, “I call back my power from xx” as you bring your hand down to touch the affected part of your body.
As you move your hand to the part of your body that experienced the abuse, feel your rightful power coming back in and making you whole. Notice the healing energy in your hand as you do this. Each time, savor the feeling of having your thigh, mouth, eyes, hand, vulva, etc. back again. Take your time and allow yourself to be completely healed. Your left hand, and your whole body, may feel very warm.
Now use the warm energy you have raised to pull up into yourself the essence of the earth mother who cleanses and recycles all things. Let the earth energy fill you and heal any remaining hurt. You can repeat the chant below to help pull up the energy, using “Earth,” “Mother Earth,” or names of specific Earth goddesses from around the world. Swaying or moving your body in time to the chant gives it more power. As you chant, feel the earth energy entering through your feet and rising through your body, making you whole and connected.
Goddess mother earth,
I fill up myself with your beautiful power.
I fill up my body with your love and your giving.
or
Goddess mother earth,
Pacha Mama, Demeter, Asase Yaa, Freya,
Danu, Mago, Gaia, Nu Gua .
I fill up myself with your beautiful power.
I fill up my body with your love and your giving.
When you have chanted enough and feel healed and whole, open your hands above your head (like spreading your branches out in tree pose in yoga), and feel the beauty of your restored power as a gift you can share. By sharing, you complete the cycle and open yourself to receive more power.
Say,
I offer my power to the universe now.
I offer my power, I’m full and I’m whole.
I offer my mind, body, heart, will, and soul.
PART 2: Love Your Wounding Now it is time to revisit the truth of your pain from the place of wholeness.
Get close to the earth: kneel, go into child’s pose from yoga, or lie down, and say,
I’ve been broken, I’ve been bent
I’ve been twisted, I’ve been turned
I’ve been hurt, I’ve been burned
And I rise in my body
I rise in my perfection.
Now come up onto your knees, and touch your body if you want to. Experience how perfect it is, like a gorgeous tree that has been bent by its experiences into a unique, strong, and perfect shape. Say,
I rise in my perfection and my power
Stand up completely and keep repeating
I rise in my beauty, my perfection, and my peace
I am bent and I am perfect
I am wounded, I am perfect
I accept, I release
Keep dancing and chanting
I am wounded, I am perfect
I accept, I release
If you have a light shawl or scarf you can dance with it at this point as you repeat the chant.
If, as you love yourself in these ways, a feeling of grief comes over you, that’s fine. Your pain is real and true, and you dishonor yourself if you bargain it away or minimize it. At the same time, though, you don’t need to let it take over. You might simply salute it, feeling free to acknowledge its size and strength. If there is a part of your body that is hurting, damaged, or broken in a physical way from what you have experienced, now do a freestyle movement with your body (like in yoga when you stretch freely) as you chant, again,
I am wounded
I am perfect
I accept
I release
Dance freely, touch yourself, contort, express your body.
Play with your voice, as you say the chant.
Be angry, ugly, sarcastic, bitter, violent, reverent, triumphant, all the feelings that come through for you. Touch any part of your body as long as you like, with affection, fury, shame, grief. Claim it all. It is yours now. Your body. Exactly as it is. It’s all yours!
And it is perfect.
Channel animals if you like. The hissing snake, the roaring tiger, the soaring eagle, the steady turtle, the running antelope, the confident wolf. Use sound effects, noises, and rhythms, anything that helps you express your power.
Continue until you feel fully powerful.
When you feel you are ready, you can put the scarf over your head and then pull it down to your shoulders like a robe of power as you speak the chant for the last time.
Now give yourself a “grandmother hug” (this was passed on to me from Deborah E’llelia who learned it from a group of spiritual grandmothers in Hawaii, powerful women who don’t rely on others for validation): Cross your arms in front of you and put your hands on the opposite shoulders, patting both shoulders simultaneously as you tell yourself, “good job!” three times.
PART 3: Coming Back Into Your Center With Your Web of Power
Women gain strength from our connections with one another; our levels of the magnificent hormone oxytocin rise when we are with other women. So the final step of the ritual is to ground our healing within the witnessing embrace of a circle of supportive others — a web of power. (If you have been doing the ritual in a group, you have three options: skip this step since your healing has been witnessed; continue while the people around you support you in creating your inner web of power; or pause and continue with Part 3 later, when you’re alone.)
When you are ready to weave a web of power around your newly-healed self, stand in the center of your ritual space and look around. Feel the warmth of your heart pulsing with its amazing capacity to create love and connection. Feel your ability to bring into a beautiful, vibrant, supportive circle those who will love, support and honor your new, whole way of being.
Slowly reach out and, one by one (alternating hands work well for this), pull the people you want to support you into your circle. As you choose each person, say, “I pull into my center ________” and call out their name.
Those you call in can be friends, colleagues, heroines, ancestors, role models, children, goddesses or other deities, or even animals. If no-one comes to mind, just keep repeating, “I pull into my center ________” until more names come to you. Pull in as many names as you are called to; somewhere between 3 and 20 is probably a good number. The main thing is that each of the people you pull in should feel completely fabulous.
Remember, only pull in people with whom you feel completely safe and who you feel strengthen you and are on your side. Even people you love very much who don’t fit in this category should be left outside your web of power. Your web of power is about people who will completely support your new, healed self — not about love per se.
If you are a woman, you may want to give extra thought before pulling any men into your center space, your web of power. Men can be extremely loving and helpful in our lives from a slightly peripheral place, and they tend to be ok with this. There can be great value in a women-only space, especially when it comes to healing from sexual abuse. It is in no way an insult to a man if you want to reserve your center for supportive females only. Similarly, you may love one of your female family members very much, but if she eats at you even a little bit, she does not belong in your web of power. Be scrupulously honest. Your inner life is at stake.
If you do call in someone and then change your mind, you can always undo it at any time by turning clockwise and saying, “I release you from my center.” Say it emphatically, emphasizing the rhythm, as many times as needed until you feel they are no longer in your web of power.
When you have called in everyone and are feeling happy and jazzed and released, flooded with oxytocin at the thought of the great supportive people in your web of power, chant:
“Circle of power, circle around me,
Web of power, hold me strong.
I am in my web of power,
Circle around me, circle around me.”
Your web of power will be with you always. You will never need to be alone.
Thanks and Closing
- Hug yourself, pat yourself on the shoulders, and say “good job”! Tap your hands together once and hold them there as you thank yourself, by name.
- Hold your hands in prayer position and thank the room for containing your healing.
- Hold your hands on your heart and give a final thanks to those in your web of power.
- Now, hands outstretched or open, thank the goddess, god, earth, the universe, ancestors, totem animals, guiding sprit, or any other forces you feel moved to thank.
- If you started by casting a circle, release it now.
Blessings and love to all of you, to all of us, as we heal and grow and shine!
- Note: if you feel that turning the opposite way from the direction indicated, or using the opposite hand, is more effective for you, that’s fine.
Annie Finch is a poet, speaker, writer, teacher, and performer who offers spellbinding readings of poetry infused with magic. Her poetry has appeared onstage at Carnegie Hall and in Poetry, The New York Times, and The Penguin Book of Twentieth-Century American Poetry. Dr. Finch earned her Ph.D from Stanford University and traces her descent from Celtic bards, Norse volurs, and accused witches imprisoned in Salem. Author of books and essays on poetry, meter, feminism, abortion, and witchcraft, she speaks and performs widely.
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