Here I am again. Last time I felt like writing something about my life, was a year ago. Last night I cried myself to sleep. I really hoped I would wake up the other day and everything would look less complicated. Sadly, I was wrong.

Here it goes.. Broken hearts, broken dreams and broken promises.

I thought I became stronger. Well, that’s true though, I did. But somehow I thought I wouldn’t feel hurt like this again. But how are you supposed to not get hurt when you got those fucking feelings?

First love was fascinating. I was excited, so excited. I lived with my dreams. Dreams that I knew wouldn’t come true, but at least dreaming felt good. He was so good with words. He always knew what was the right thing to say. He always knew what kind of advice I needed. He could wipe those tears without even touching my eyes. He knew how to make me smile. It was a long time till I realized that what we were to each other was called ,,soulmates’’. It hurt though, it hurt badly. Having to forget about someone that means so much.

Second love was something else. The way he kissed me, it made me feel alive. The way he looked at me, I felt wanted. That look he had on his face when I kept falling down or when I cried, it made me feel cared about. The way he hugged me, it made me feel safe. The way he looked at me, it made me feel beautiful.

It’s just too hard. When someone you love doesn’t realize what he means to you. When he can’t see the effort you make to keep things going perfectly. When he doesn’t notice he’s the number one.

How are you supposed to be okay when he leaves and takes part of you with him? How are you supposed to have your hopes up when you’re scared that one day he will look back and he will see it all as a beautiful mistake? How are you supposed to feel calm when you’re afraid he’ll find someone else?

,,Time heals everything’’, — they say. But it doesn’t. It just replaces memories. But what if I don’t want to have them replaced? What if I don’t want them to be just memories? But what can I do when it’s not my choice, what can I do when I’m so tired of fighting?

I keep telling myself that I need to be strong. I keep telling myself that I should go for things I’ve planned. Ordinary, boring days, but I’m scared of staying alone. Cause I break down. Feels like every part of my body aches for his touch, his hug.

Pain is a huge part of our lives. We have to go through it, then we have to live with it. It makes us who we are. I know I will go through this. If not today, then tomorrow. But the thing is, I don’t fucking want to. I don’t want one of my best moments to become just a memory.

It’s just sad that once I have feelings for someone, they never fully go away. They stay with me, reminding me what I lost. Reminding me how good it felt. I tend to give in completely, and there’s no coming back. I tried to change it, but it’s not something you can change. It’s something you are.

I kissed him goodbye, and that motherfucking train took him away from me.

I cried.

He cried.

If I told him I miss him, would he come back?