TIL My spouse is toxic
One of the repetitive mantras of the self help movement is to rid yourself of toxicity. Toxic chemicals in your Nalgene bottle. Toxic sugar in your coffee. And toxic people in your life.
As I emerge from my latest bout of self loathing and depression, I have begun to take stock in the things and people around me, and purge the chaff with vigor. The book I’ll never read? Posted on PaperbackSwap. The pleated khakis that should never come in the door to begin with? Back out said door. (The box marked “Goodwill” in Sharpie overfloweth.)
But now we come to the really tricky part. Taking stock of the relationships that are beneficial, healthy, empowering, and those that are toxic; the ones that make me feel worse about myself and question my worth.
If you asked my honest opinion anytime in the last ten years, I would have told you that my wife is the most miserable person I know. I would not have batted an eye and not apologized. I love her, or should I say I have a high level of love for her. But she is a miserable person.
I could regale you with countless examples of why I have that opinion. Problem is that it will sound like I’m trying to convince you. Sway your opinion. But I don’t give a flying fuck about what other people think. Not anymore. And most importantly, perhaps, that includes her.
So as I did a post-mortem on the past decade and a half, I made what can only amount to a horrible conclusion. She’s toxic, and she just might literally be making me crazy.
So now comes the really tough part.
Do I continue my path of set improvement forward, find my true center and hope she’s in, say a 1 mile radius? Or must I declare that to find my true self, a happy self, and the most authentic version of myself, I must leave my ‘better half’ behind?