I feel for you. My Dad was an alcoholic who died around 60 (I can never remember exactly when) following several brain strokes. I was so glad when he died (not because I wanted him dead either but also his suffering ended that day and I was sure I would never be the one to have to take care of him when he was old) and I was able to make peace with him before. I didn’t believe in this whole peace comes when they are dying stuff but it happened and I am glad it did. After the 3rd stroke he refused further rehabilitation training and stuff. He was just ready to give up, he couldn’t walk anymore, hold a pen anymore or talk anymore, he wasn’t even able to eat anymore — we are talking about a man running away from his life and responsibility all his life time and working all around the world — I guess he felt trapped. I did not ask but I understood why he wants to go. This I told him and said goodbye while he was still concious and then the day of the funeral came and I stood there. He was not a believer but we did a short service at church and then at the graveside we said our final goodbyes and I could only cry. I felt so sorry for all the time we didn’t had cause he didn’t want to spend time with us and I was astonished by all those strangers (to me) attending his funeral which were from a totally different life we — his family — were never part of. My sister and I still cry over him from time to time.
My Mom is another story — she too decided to stay in this abusive marriage and by now I can’t forgive her cause we were children and instead of protecting us she exposed us to him and his drunken speeches. I only wish her a good life as long as possible and try not to stay in contact with her — I always feel so hurt by her strange view of the world she tries to force on me.
I have my own story out of this (plus Asperger’s which was not diagnosed before I turned 42), depressive episodes and more. I finally found a wonderful man and am as far so functionable to have a happier life I ever imagined. And I turn 47 this year (Mom is 67 and my sis is 37) — I never thought I would even turn 30 cause I was so miserable.
I wish you all the best, life like you want to and feel to.
