Christ Returns: Assaulted at Trump Rally

This weekend, at one of Republican Presidential candidate Donald Trump’s rallies, the clouds parted and Jesus Christ, lord and savior, descended on a beam of light down to the stage.

“People” he said. “I could not bare to sit by and allow you to elect this awful man as your leader. His ways of anger and violence are not the ways that I have taught. Forsake his arrogance and turn to a leader that thinks better of you-”

It was at this point that he was interrupted by a plastic bottle that was thrown from the crowd. It hit his face as he spoke. “Who threw that!?” he asked, scanning the audience. Then the audience started chanting “TRUMP! TRUMP! TRUMP! TRUMP!” drowning out the Son of God.

Security came and escorted Jesus out of the building, but not before the Trump supporters got in a few good shoves. “I died for your sins!” Christ yelled at the passive on-lookers as he was dragged off the stage.

“Get him outta here!” Trump bellowed from his podium. When asked about the incident later trump responded, “Who? Jesus? You have to understand I’m not familiar with this ‘Jesus.’ I don’t know him. But if he’s such a great guy why was he causing trouble at my rally? Which, by the way, he wasn’t ‘assaulted’, ok? So can we get that out of the headline? Please.”

Jesus Christ could not be reached for comment, as he has given up on humanity entirely.