Groundbreaking Study Reveals My Mom is Better Than Your Mom

My Dope-ass Mother

In a recent study by the CCM (Center for Carson’s Mother) a team of specialists determined that my Mom is the best mom. Geneticists were able to identify the key elements of motherhood in the mom genetic code, and they concluded that these elements are most abundant in my own mother.

Elements like kindness, forgiveness, and strength were all there in spades. My Mom’s kindness levels were the highest on record of any mother sampled. Her forgiveness gland was a medical miracle, the likes of which the doctors had never seen. And her strength was unparalleled, solidifying the undeniable fact that my Mom could beat up your Mom.

Today is a historic day for my Mom, and for the rest of the world, who just aren’t quite as great as she is. Happy Mother’s day, Mom. I hope this makes up for me not getting you anything.