Laid to rest
I cried when I heard of my friend’s death. It wouldn’t stop. I cried during my run, in the shower, at work, in the kitchen; I thought it would never end. During his memorial service, I saw his casket and reality hit — he’s really gone. I sort of was still in denial. The tears were about to begin but I fought them. I fought them then his casket was opened. I didn’t have the courage nor strength to see his corpse. Time passed and I walked up to him, saw him lying on state. He looked different. I almost couldn’t recognize him, I couldn’t believe it. My eyes were dry still. I could almost feel the pain, but like Damon Salvatore, it felt like I had switched off my feelings. I stood there staring at him.
“Move, Gbenga,” I whispered under my breath.
I would remember the week in November he would come over at 5pm then leave 7pm because he waited for his mom to leave the office so they would go home together. He would come over every day with a chicken republic nylon. Another friend was present — Chimike. We would talk about anime, play fifa, order pizza, have a drink. The banter was alway quality. It had to end because I needed to get serious with gym cause I had just started.
We got to the cemetery early and waited a while before he was six foot under. I stared at his casket hanging in the grave. Tears all around me. My shoulder comforted those who cried in my place. I wanted the waterworks from mine but I was numb. It still felt as if I had blocked it out; still in denial, still hoping he would kick the lid open. Nothing. Just silence. The skies cried all morning like the night he died. Mother Nature bore our pain too.
“My Guy talk say Gbenga no want make we suffer in heat Na why rain dey fall,” Gbadebo jokes.
I burst out laughing. It felt so true.
I’m at the church and I’m missing the service. I’m sharing his tee shirts. Everyone is wearing his brand. Everyone! People who he’d never have thought. Over a 100 of us I believe, it’s mad. I wish this was done earlier. I’m sorry, bro.
I observe his brother, the strongest of us all. I would have lost my shit, I promise you, but he was keeping it together. I stare around, the solemn faces hit me.
“What’s happening?” Oyinmeibi asked. “Is he really dead?”
I say nothing because I’m unable to. What do I say?
“Yes?”
“No?”
A reel of memories played in my head. His sighs, laughs and sneers. My tears had eluded me. I was still numb. A fucking robot. It seemed like I had cried the pain away. The uncontrollable tears upon hearing his death. The tears poured the next morning during my run. At work too, when I made dinner, when I breathed; pain was defined.
We are invited to throw a speck of sand into his grave. I do the cross sign before and after. Still, nothing. Seyi is on my shoulders later pouring her heart out. Sonia is unable to bear it. Oyinda bursts into tears. Naomi too. My shoulder is s comfort zone still for the burdened heart. Life isn’t a movie but I- I- thought..
I’ve known Dj Combs as long as I’ve known Gbenga. He’s never the type to display emotions. I say hello on my way out. We are talking but I see the battle in his eyes. A tear escapes his control. I throw him into my embrace. He’s defiant. He struggles to avoid another escaping his control. Afolabi encourages everyone to bring forth their tears. It’s natural, he believes.
We hate that its his demise that brought us together today. It would have been amazing if it was your wedding. We would have shut down the world for you. That’s how much love resides in our hearts for you.
We head back to his home. We are gathered in the backyard and it’s my first time ever being there. I’m still so numb and it freaks me out. I buy a can of black bullet. We could have shared it. We once did, I wish we could have again. At the bottom of the can, I somewhat find my feelings but, but I can’t spoil the party. I can’t. I go for another. I need that numbness.
We ate, bro. We drank, bro. To our fucking fill, bro. Femi is strong as ever, bro. He’s with us, bantering. Jide is praising him. I am too. I am.
The general consensus was you too like woman🤣. Well, after you being such an amazing person.
I’m still numb, bro. I know this will hit me during my lowest moment and I’m here for it. I will embrace the pain and shed these tears for you.
We love you, Gbenga.
