Monsieur Woke: Absolve

“Why are you up so early?”

“Joseph, what the fuck?” I cried.

“What?”

“What?”

“What?” He replied.

“Dude!”

“WHAT?”

“You are naked!” I screamed.

“Oh! I am?” He giggled

“Dude!”

“Alright, I am sorry.”

Joseph returned with clothes on.

“Happy?”

I sighed.

“Wait, no,” He continued, laughing. “You are going to church? You piece of shit!”

“Huh, What?”

“You believe in that bullshit?”

“When did I not be-”

Joseph’s stare was triggering.

“Alright,” I restarted. “I-You-We-I, I didn’t believe once.”

“Mhm.”

“Yeah.”

“What changed?” He asked.

“Everything,” I replied. “I want to be a better person.”

“And you need a religion to be a better person? Says a lot about you.”

“Don’t judge me!” I cried. “Don’ act like you know ANYTHING about me!”

“I AM YOU!” He screamed back. “Fuck, Seun. Fuck! Don’t act like I don’t know you. I am you. You WERE me!”

“That doesn’t change anything,” I defended myself. “You don’t know what’s in my heart right now. I hate that I was ever you and yes, I NEED religion to make me a better person. I need something to hold onto; a strong grip so I don’t relapse and become… you.”

“What exactly is wrong with me, Seun?” He asked. “You talk like I am so affliction, some disease, a memory that should be wiped away.”

“Cause you are! You are a phase in my life that I regret. You… you were… you were a mistake.”

Joseph stood in shock. The disappointment was bold written on his face. Our eyes clashed like enemies at the battlefront.

“I am sorry, Jo.”

The tension was ridiculous. I couldn’t breath.

“You are a liar,” Joseph broke his short silence. “You can lie to yourself but, never ever can you lie to me. I see your mind. I read your mind. I see your mind. This feminist bullshit you have going on is all a fucking charade and you know it. You are still the dirty piece of shit you have always been.”

“NO!” I screamed. “I am not!”

“Now, you tell me you believe in God? What has God done for you? All those drinks you spiked back then? The abortions? Your fucking misdeeds! Cynthia’s death? Now, you want to act clean! FUCK! You think you deserve a clean slate because… God?”

“Joseph…”

“Don’t Joseph me, man!” He cut me short. “Don’t! You believe in a piece of literature that says we should believe in a higher power? A God that loves us but simultaneously doesn’t give a shit? God is love but he is a jealous God? A God that bet with his FALLEN ANGEL to rip apart the life of one of his most faithfuls because of what? He KNOWS the future, he KNEW Job wouldn’t falter, YET he allowed Lucifer to- fuck, what the fuck! A religion that doesn’t give women the same FREEDOM you claim to fight for?Why do women have to cover their hair in the church but a man doesn’t? Is a woman’s hair unclean? Why are the so many rules governing the woman and not the man? Your God makes you beg for today and tomorrow while he is all knowing? Cut me some SLACK! You know the truth. I have said it: you are looking for an escape from the truth, your truth from your reality!”

“Cynthia’s death wasn’t my fault.” Tears ran down my eyes. “It wasn’t. It wasn’t!”

“Of course, it is never your fault. It’s mine isn’t it? She’d be alive with that babe if it wasn’t your fault! We would have been a father! I hate that you took that away from us!”

“No, No, NO!” I cried harder. “I-I- I was… I was scared.”

“You are fucked up as hell!”

“I loved her a- and wan- wanted the best for us, for her.”

I was sobbing.

“Why aren’t you turning whit yet cause damn, another fucking lie! You were thinking about yourself only when you slipped in that abortion pill. Admit it! No God will wipe your slate clean, you fucking monster. No fucking God will be that delusional to let a beast like you enjoy paradise!”

I feel on my knees. My tears forming a little puddle. Joseph stared down and laughed.

“Do I go on? Do I fucking go on cause your sins are endless.”

“I need you to go!” I cried. “Fucking leave me! GO!”

Joseph squatted beside me and whispered.

“There’s only one way to.”

My teary eyes looked at his angry eyes. The first time ever in my life did I see the hate he felt for me, all that anger buried in his clenched fists.

He held my head, forcing an intense eye contact.

“You know how,” He assured me, nodding his head slowly.