Monday thoughts
For the longest time I’ve been scared. Scared to try anything for fear of failure and now it’s gotten to the point where I have no idea what I could possibly do with myself.
Growing up I knew what I wanted and how I was going to achieve it and believe me when I tell you that I was on course for it until my final step and then it all went south. The pain courses through me like blood, it no longer brings tears to my eyes because somehow I’ve learnt to embrace pain, to live with it, breathe it, eat it, sleep with it. Let’s just say to an extent, pain is all I know.
I’ve become a sac of inadequacy.
Where I’m from, there’s pressure to have accomplished certain things at certain ages. If you aren’t done with school in your early 20s, you’re regarded a failure of some sort. If you’re done with school and don’t have a good job, something is equally said. It’s really the most unrealistic set of paradigms I’ve known till date. Personally I feel like everything varies, no two lives are entirely identical and based on that, to expect every Tom Dick and Chinonso to have their shit together is unfair. Life comes at you with so much and you’re forced to deal with things that don’t matter and things that do all at the same time. Some of us are great at handling stress whereas others just about survive each attack (Me!).
All I’ve said, it boils down to my fear. My unwillingness to want to fail. My hopes that I’ll find what I want to do without going through a lot. I’m almost a quarter century in terms of age and while I should have acquired more than I have, I’m withstanding the pressure with great efficiency because I know for a fact, sooner than later, my life will start to play out like it’s supposed to and when it happens, I’ll finally be able to control my heart rate but until then, I remain a sac of inadequacy.
