What love isn’t

What I am saying may strike as nothing new, but it was an epiphany of sorts today, or maybe I use the word epiphany too lightly because when it comes to matters of the heart, I keep forgetting the ever so important life lessons and the accompanying moments of clarity soon enough.

It happened when I was fighting the battle, which I do every night about what I know and what I feel. After recently being told off by a person with whom I shared a lot of tender memories, openness and vulnerability and subsequently undergoing a lot of self-doubt, self inquisition and a vague treaty of peace with myself, I came face to face with the dilemma of either being a nice person and calling him up or just showing him the tough steely side and just sending cursory text for his birthday. I was however, more confused as to which action would convey what type of mask i wanted to put on, because I knew for certain that I didn't want to expose myself to him again. On the other hand some part of me, longed to hear his voice, longed to re-experience the lithe, blithe moments together. On contemplating all this, I realised that I was stressed, on further probing the stress, I realised that this is not love.

We need to change our DEFINITIONS of love. I realised the reason that I keep falling back into the same patterns of behaviour is because somewhere my definitions tell me one thing, which my experience adheres to, and my gut tells me other things which I ignore. This incongruence is the reason I cannot get out of the circle. To make things easier I am going to list a few points below. I didn’t intend this to be a listicle, but then again, I didn’t intend to write at all:

Longing: It isn’t love, no matter what movies tell you, longing isn’t love. If you are constantly waiting and hoping that the person responds that way you want him to , or longing and waiting for a previously beautiful time to repeat it self, then its not going to happen. Note: I used the word ‘constantly’.

Heaviness: If most of the time spent in the relationship feels heavy, if most of the time its full of drama, if half your energy is drained waiting for the other shoe to drop, or whatever else, then cut it loose.

I cant do without you: Oh trust me baby you can, you so can do without anyone really. Your gut, your instinct, our higher selves always want what is best for us. It is easy to understand what is best for us, it needs to feel good. ‘I cannot do without you’ doesn’t feel good. Sure the way he made you feel, felt awesome, but there are many things that make you feel great. And imagine the pressure the poor sod has to live up to. C’mon, you cannot put the responsibility for all your happiness on someone else, not only is it disempowering, it is also a very big burden for someone else.

Sacrifice: Love definitely isn’t sacrifice. At Least, not the kind of sacrifice you aren’t happy about. Build yourself up, find worth in yourself, find love in yourself, find peace in yourself. If anyone seems to encroach on your sense of self ( I do not mean ego) then it is a good practise to say no and build healthy boundaries. Being in love doesn’t mean self sabotage.

So every time these emotions crop up, don’t suppress, feel them but then gently release and feel the difference , the difference in the lightness of being when you think of the person and you can think of the good times without needing them , as opposed to the feeling of I love him and I need him. Because the latter isn’t a definition of love. The problem is we think we know what love is but we don’t. Men and women are conditioned differently and wired differently. It is enough for now that we have mutual understanding and respect, beyond that is still unexplored.