Dearest Dad.

‘Being like you’, my deepest fear.

“You will thanks me later”

I can still hear you voice in my head, as if you were nearby.
I can still feel each moment, in which, you told me that.
I remember my thoughts as hold back my tears.
“I won’t thanks you, I’ll curse you”.

I am sitting in front of a friend, she is observing everything she can see of me, while I look at her. We are quite embarrassed, some laugh escapes. 
It feels like we’ve been watching each other for quite a while now.
Finally, we are told to close our eyes. Our teacher is choosing each word carefully, as she guides us into ourselves.

Eyes closed.

I see a girl walking on the street. She is smiling, I cannot see quite well her eyes yet, and her hair just under her chin. She wears a blue/grey-ish beanie and a long green dress, the retro-bohemian kind you would probably wear in vacations on an island. Her gait is determined, but not quite. From her walk she seems combative and ready to punch you. Maybe it is her army boots, and her fake marine coat that gives her an agressive look. The rest doesn’t follow. It looks like for a short moment, she is a sand castle ready to collapse. As if, she was two persons.
Is she tall? I guess she is.

What do you think of her? said the voice.

Well, I guess I admire her a bit. She looks confident, like the rest of the world doesn’t matter. Just the way she dresses… it is so… weird? unique? 
Maybe I’d like to be her.

Would you like to have a relation with that person?

What?! That was a bit fast. No. No. Definitively not. I mean, I wouldn’t have a love relationship with her, because … there is aggressivity and chaos. 
She is so different, I’d be scare of being seen. Actually, she scares me a bit. But I’d love to be her friend! Authenticity is important in friendship, she looks real.

This person, that is you, is also your friend in front of you as well as all your family. This person is every person you do know, and every person you do not know. This person has fear, this person is scared of you. Now, you can reassure this person, that there is nothing to fear of you, nothing to be sad about. Because you are here for this person. See all qualities and faults, there is no need to judge, accept them, and forgive.

She is in front of me, myself. I take my hands, she is everyone.
I see her face being faces passing before my eyes. 
This person is scared of me. Faces stop scrolling. 

I feel tears rolling down my face, and the voice’s hand on my shoulder.
I wanna get the f*** out of here. I can’t face this. Not today. Not ever.
I just need to open my eyes, and run away. Run away. Open and run.

I try to turn around… in my mind. But we cannot run from ourselves.
Dad is still here, in front of me. Will I forgive?
Dad is still here, in front of me. I take a look at his eyes.

They said “eyes are the window to the soul”.
I look at your eyes. They are brown, tired and old. 
Your look used to be so alive and young. What have years done to your fire? 
Your skin shows wrinkles, which each are a story. 
So many stories, so much pain.
I look at your eyes, they pretend tough but pass I see great kindness and generosity.
I look into your eyes, you are so scared.
Dad, don’t be scared, please. 
I feel you fear loosing what you though you never had : love.
You are scared to death, so you push people away.
Dad, don’t close your heart because you fear.
I bury into your eyes, we are one.
The burden of being alive : who are we, and why are we here?
The emptiness of our soul, we try to bury.
Dad, don’t fear no more. Don’t be scared of me. 
I have never ever wanted something else than to love you.
Dad, I forgive you for not being perfect.
Dad, I forgive your mistakes, even if you hurt me.

“You can open your eyes.”

I keep mine close. I don’t wanna see others seing my tears. How strange this is : eyes still close but everything is gone, I’m sitting again in the classroom.

Eyes opened.

“You will thanks me later”

Later is today : I thank you, Dad.

Thank you doesn’t mean I forget.
Thank you means I forgive.
Thank you means tolerance and acceptance.

“You’ll realize, later, that I was right”

I can still hear you voice in my head, as if you were nearby.
I can still feel each moment, in which, you told me that.
I remember my thoughts as hold back my tears.
“I won’t realize, I’ll curse you”.

Later is today : you were right, Dad.

You weren’t right about everything but at least about one thing.
As you used to quote what Oscar Wild once said :

“Children begin by loving their parents; as they grow older they judge them; sometimes they forgive them.”

Sometimes is later. Later is today. Today, I forgive you, Dad.

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