It is not violence!

No shit?! I shouldn’t mess with you! I didn’t know you were a violent girl!

People tell me, when they just learn I’m passionated by มวยไทย — Muay Thai.

If it is not violence, then what is it?

It’s about love. C’est ce que ça t’apporte, c’est ce que t’es capable de donner. 
It’s about how it make you free. How it make you shine. How you feel alive.
It’s about learning. Sparer ou combattre c’est s’apprendre.

I didn’t see it coming, but it landed perfectly, crushing my nose on my face. 
Girl, that was a beautiful overhand punch!’
I can see she holds back her smile behind a worried face.
She can see I hold back my tears behind a big smile. She runs to the toilet to get me some paper, meanwhile I clean the bloody ring with my hand wraps. I go back home and put on some ice.

It’s not about violence
It’s about learning. I replay the scene in my head a thousand times : where did that came from? why didn’t I see it coming? How could have I counter-attack or block it? How did I react? What will I do differently next time?

My mom was almost horrified, but she always tries to understand.
I am happy you took it that well’, she said. 
How we bare the pain is mostly mental.
Showing pain will create more pain, while hiding it will fake it away.

Quand j’imagine une fille forte, c’est pas une fille qui ne fait jamais d’erreur, c’est une fille qui a assez confiance en elle pour sortir victorieuse des défaites. J’essaye d’être cette fille là.

Sometimes, it is not what we can see that hurt the most.
Sometimes, pain is just invisible to others.

I know it because a few years back, I had bulimia. 
Which is in other word, self-induced pain and hatred.

KO on the ring : liver shot. I open my eyes, my sparing partner and friend looks blurry and concerned. 
‘Nice kick men! Give me 30 seconds and I’m back!’

I am not a warrior, neither I am a ‘war machine’. 
Je suis une hypersensible qui mange ses émotions.
And I happen to love that sport.

It’s about how it breaks (down) everything to built it again.
It saved me from myself. Bulimia was self-destruction.
I am still an hypersensitive person who, literally, eats her feelings.
I’m learning to destroy others, not myself.
That body I hated so much : I’m learning to love it. 
That body I couldn’t control : I’m learning to discipline it.

That body which wouldn’t even protect me from my own thoughts, 
is now protecting me from others!

Muay thai saved me. I became my own ally
It is required to believe in oneself to fight, to spare.
If we are already mentally beaten up, then we are already physically taken down in the ring. 
And nobody likes pain. As far as knew pain, I didn’t like it.
I couldn’t bare pain of self-hate and pain of sore muscle at the same time. Thus, that body I despised, theses thoughts I misprized had to leave.

It’s about how it breaks (down) everything to built it again.

I don’t know what brought me in there. 
But, I love my sore, bruised, bloody body.

I don’t know what drives me to stay.
But, I love my focused, positives, warrior thoughts.

That mind I couldn’t understand, is slowly breaking down.
Fear and reflection of my own emptiness that had feed self-hate…
are also breaking down. As Richie Norton said “to crush fear doesn’t mean you eliminate it; crushing fear means you literally crush it down into smaller, more manageable parts and tackle one piece at a time.”

Combat sports are, for me, all about this.

About learning.
About love.
About learning to love, and loving to learn.

I am breaking free
I hear the bell, I am still here.
I am alive. I am focused. 
And I shine (I mean, I sweat).

One million dollar baby