“Tiny but fierce”


Used to annoy me, now I love the sound of it

“I’ve heard your fighting a girl from my gym”, said my friend, before adding “she is tiny but fierce”.

The funny thing about this is, I googled after the fight : fierce in french. 
I had no idea what it meant. But it actually didn’t matter.

I don’t want to talk about my fight this time. I want to talk about changes.

Changes that took place in my life since my first fight.
I’ve wrote about how Muay Thai saved me from myself.
But I would have never imagine how realness would catch up on me.
Before fighting, I thought I knew myself.
Before fighting, I thought I knew what matters.
Fool me. I knew nothing. I was ignorant.

I always get asked “why do you want to fight?”

I think people in my life don’t understand the why and I can’t blame them.
Because… truth is, until yesterday I did not realize myself something I knew.

It’s about learning. Sparer ou combattre c’est s’apprendre.

I want to fight because I’m discovering who I am. And I love that “me”.
I haven’t changed. I don’t really think we have the power to become something we are not. We become what we already are. We become what we decide to feed and grow that is already inside us. For some people yoga might be the path of discovery, for others it might be playing violin, for me it is fighting. When I’m in the ring, there is nothing else but now and here.
I am now. I am here. I am nowhere (else).
Coach teases me, ‘singing your indian song again?’.
I ritualize. Before the fight I chant:

I chant and I do not think about anything before the warm-up.
I am my voice, I am the vibration of my vocal cord.
I am my respiration, I am the air around me.
Before my first fight, meditation was for me a foreign concept I was hoping to understand one day. While I was already practicing it during class, during sparing. I just had not realized it yet.

Muay Thai hasn’t really changed (my) life per se, but it has changed my perspective of it.

Life is an ocean, and situations are waves. And waves pass by.

Why should I hang on something that does not inherently exist?

Oil all over my body I concentrate on the feeling of the massage.
Eyes close, I picture my opopnant in my head. And I see myself as a rock. 
She can punch or she can kick, I’m not steping back. 
Always moving forward, until, I win.
Eyes open, I become full aware of my body and start feeling every muscle.
Each muscle on fire because of the Thai Oil. I am ready.

Of couse, there is anxiety, there is stress, there is fear.

I need that fear to be fully aware. It’s not because I look calm that I am.
I’m a reverse ocean. I unleash my heart and mind fears.
Calm on the surface… but raging and surging under a poker face.
Stomach knots. Urination Anxiety Symptom : I pee 200 times. 
And… fear. Fear is a wave passing by, that will soon be replace by joy.

Fear and anxiety are the dominant psychological states of the human mind. Behind the fear lies a constant longing to be certain. We are afraid of the unknown, The mind’s craving for confirmation is rooted in our fear of impermanence.
Dzongsar Khyentse

Why should I hang on something that does not inherently exist?

I get in the ring, and I’m in (forced) meditation.
Mediation implies full conscienceness, full awarness, full presence in present time and place. If you are not meditating in the ring, then you are dead.

Before an oral exam, the day after my fight, a friend asked me:
“you look so calm, aren’t you stressed?”

“Nobody is gonna beat me up, you know. The worse thing that could happen in my life right now would be a K.O, get injured badly or die. So no, I’m not stressed.” I answered.

Why should I hang on something that does not inherently exist?

The exam is a wave, so I’ll surf on it. 
I will have fun doing whatever I am doing.
I will learn from mistakes I make. Because I know I’ll make some.

A wise men (Antoine Saint-Exupery) once wrote ‘perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away’.

Simple.

So, I’m learning to let go. 
Let go, useless waves. 
Waves of stress.
Waves of fear.
Waves of sadness.
Waves of grief.
Waves of doubt.
Waves of regret.
Waves of anger.
Waves of frustration.
Waves of lost.

Let go, delightfull waves.
Waves of joy.
Waves of pleasure.
Waves of love.
Waves of win.
Waves of happiness.
Waves of certainty.
Waves of confort.
Waves of satisfaction.
Waves of contentment.

I watch the ocean of my life, and learn from each waves passing by.
I thanks the world, that is such an amazing place.
I thanks life, that is truly fascinating.

Yes, but what if… ?

What if what?

What if I loose the fight? 
What if I fail my exam?

What about … what if I’m still alive afterall?

The recognition of impermanence is the key to freedom from fear of remaining forever stuck in a situation, habit or pattern.
Dzongsar Khyentse

You can choose to be free or you can choose to hold on.

I’m taking baby steps, kicking towards freedom.

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