To Ronda


Honestly, my thought, I was like, in the medical room and I was like down in the corner, I was in the corner and I was like ‘ what am I any more if I’m not this?’
I was literally sitting there and thinking about killing myself and that exact second I’m like ‘I’m nothing, what do I do anymore?… and no one gives a shit about me anymore without this.’
And to be honest I looked up and I saw my man Travis was standing up there and I looked up at him and I was like, I need to have his babies. I need to stay alive. Really that was it.’ I haven’t told anybody that. I only told him.

People talk trash, because it is so much easier to blame, than to be tolerant.
Tolerance requires acknowledging our own mistakes, our own failures.

Ronda, I know you will probably never read this. 
So, I write for myself, and all the ‘Ronda’ out there. 
I write for all lost souls who feel they are worthless.
To all humans who, once in their life, thought they would rather be dead.

‘what am I any more if I’m not this?’

I spent 17 years saying I wanted to be meteorologist and do a PhD. 
And one day I woke up and it hit me : I don’t like this sh*t anymore!
However, it wasn’t a relief to find out. I felt like a naked snail, or more like an empty shell. 
I was nothing.
For years I was the girl who were gonna be … 
Suddenly, I was not a gonnabe anymore. Not even a wannabe. 
I was nothing.

Not only I was worthless, but also I was no one to nobody.

‘I’m nothing, what do I do anymore?… and no one gives a shit about me anymore without this.’

Life goes on.
I tried to remember how I became a vegan. It isn’t much about what we are loosing, even though this is the only thing we see, but it is much more about what we learn from loosing, and what are the new things we discover.

‘Maybe winning all the time isn’t what’s best for everybody … maybe I had to be that example of picking myself up off the floor.’

Today, I broke into tears like you did Ronda.
Today, a doctor told me ‘I cannot sign this paper knowing what I know’.
Today, I couldn’t remember how life goes on. 
Today, I couldn’t overcome nothingness. 
Today, I couldn’t remember how we redefine ourselves after lost.

Définir c’est exister,
Définir c’est naître à la vie.
Définir c’est faire vivre.

Alors l’inverse de définir. Se dé-définir, c’est mourir un peu.

Today, I broke into tears because for years doctors have been telling me that my body isn’t strong enough to do sports I like or love.
I like biking and ice skating.
But mostly, I love fighting. 
Love define who I am, dear doctor.
Love is what makes me want to wake up in the morning.
Today, you didn’t sign that paper so I can compete. 
Another, who doesn’t know, will sign it.

Today, as a few years ago, I was worthless. I was nothing anymore.
Today, I cried out loud and ran to the gym. It won’t stop me.

‘Maybe winning all the time isn’t what’s best for everybody … maybe I had to be that example of picking myself up off the floor.’

Ronda, I don’t know you and I’m not like you.
I’m just a wannabe (aspiring gonnabe) fighter. 
But you are one real fighter, Ronda. 
Pick up yourself off the floor. 
I’m not you, but I feel you. Your tears are also mine.
Pick up yourself off the floor.
It is scary, to built again what was destroy.

‘what am I any more if I’m not this?’

Ronda, you are still this. You are still a fighter.
Pick up yourself off the floor.
Show us that it is possible to get up, even when we fear.

I have no words to explain how much your tears resonated with me.
Thank you for being who you were, are and will be.
Thank you for being such an inspiration. 
If fighting is your love, do not fear : Defeat is unknown to love.

You know it already.

‘I really do believe I’m still undefeated because being defeated is a choice.
Everybody has losses in their life, but I choose to always be undefeated.’
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