The 2016 Election Oscars!
After this past Sunday’s Golden Globes and subsequent Golden Globes backlash, it seems like a good time to hand out our own awards for performances in the 2016 Election. Because really, no movie can compete with this past year’s political cycle. Manchester By The Sea was not as depressing, La La Land was not dreamier, Hacksaw Ridge did not have as much action, Florence Foster Jenkins did not have a woman as deluded, and Deadpool did not have a man as big of a jackass than what we just experienced during the 2016 Election (though admittedly, Moonlight was considerably gayer and blacker).
With that said, let’s go straight to the awards. There are no introductions between awards, so just assume Lena Dunham and Kristin Bell are doing some sort of unfunny banter about Tinder between each award.
Best Makeup: This was a tougher category than most years. While Romney and Obama both look like they were chiseled from stone, Hillary and Trump caked on so much concealer and bronzer that the heads on Easter Island contained less minerals. But in the end this award goes to the media, for the simple fact that they makeup every “news” story that they publish. When you even makeup stories about golden showers, you’re a lock to win.
Best Special Effects: This Oscar goes to the crew that created the weird CGI Hillary Clinton that arose from the dead after she fainted. If you remember, Hillary was reportedly overheated, then she had pneumonia, and then out of nowhere she was hugging a mixed-race kid who miraculously wandered past the Secret Service. Not even the ending to Rogue One was as surprising as the appearance of Zombie Hillary.
Best Adapted Screenplay: This is an easy one. Hillary’s life story wins best adapted screenplay. After spending the past two decades in the White House and then following it up by earning hundreds of millions of dollars from Wall Street and large corporations, Hillary somehow convinced the media that she was a humble public servant with a lifelong commitment to families. Her team successfully hid the fact that she was actually more scandal-ridden than a mafia don committed to a crime family by touting her past job at the Children’s defense fund (which lasted…one year…40 years ago).
Best Original Screenplay: How can this award go to anyone but Donald Trump? He completely invented an original version of himself that was against the war on Iraq, against abortion, and against loopholes for Wall Street. On a whim, he decided he was against overseas manufacturing while wearing his own clothing that was all manufactured overseas. He spent the entire election giving his audience exactly what they wanted. When they hated abortion, he promised to throw women in jail, and then backtracked when he realized they didn’t hate abortion that much. Trump’s campaign was like the movie Swordfish — he knew his audience was coming to check out Halle Berry’s breasts, so he paid her an extra $500,000 so she’d actually show her breasts.
Best Choreography: This Oscar goes to the Democratic National Committee, for the way they orchestrated Hillary’s dance with the nomination. After they were caught rigging the election against Bernie, the DNC parted way with Debbie Wasserman Schultz, only for her to get picked up by the Hillary campaign. They then appointed Donna Brazile as chair of the DNC, who was later caught leaking debate questions to Hillary. Best of all, Brazile poured money into states Hillary was a lock to win in so that it was assured Hillary would win the popular vote — or maybe she had ulterior motives for handing money over to the New Orleans DNC chapter (hint: she’s from New Orleans). All of this complicated dancing got these women exactly what they wanted — it just didn’t leave them with the votes to keep getting what they want past November 8th.
Best Song: The Republicans didn’t have an entry in this category since celebrities avoid Trump as if he’s their old headshot with their original nose. If Hollywood keeps up their boycott, Trump’s inauguration may be so desperate for entertainment they’ll have to trot out John McCain to sing out a few versus of “Bomb Bomb Bomb, Bomb Bomb Iran.” By default, this Oscar goes to the DNC National Convention’s video of celebrities singing “Fight Song” — because who would’ve thought Jane Fonda singing off-key karaoke wouldn’t have won Hillary the election?
Best Actress: Kellyanne Conway. Most campaign managers focus on strategy, but Conway had to run around every day cleaning up her candidate’s newest mess with a smile on her face — like a Disney World worker shoveling elephant shit at the end of a parade. Trump would tweet something insane, like a plan to use Make-A-Wish kids to fight ISIS since they were going to die anyway, and 10 minutes later Conway would be on CNN, clarifying that what Donald really meant was that kids with cancer should get the highest honor there is — which is to serve in the U.S. Military. Conway was such a great saleswoman that she could sell ice cream to a snowman, or even Trump steaks to someone whose had eaten any other type of steak before.
Best Actor: Donald Trump, who somehow managed to convince factory workers in Michigan that he was on their side despite the fact that he lives in a literal penthouse filled with gold. It’s like when Tom Hanks played Forrest Gump, and then played an astronaut the next year — just incredible range.
Best Picture: The entire election wins this award for its non-stop entertainment. The only question is — who will the DNC cast in the sequel? Michelle Obama? Chelsea Clinton? One of those weird dogs the Obamas bought? We’ll all have to show up at a voting box near us in 2020 to find out.