Exercises in Compersion and Lovership recognition
As of late I have been contemplating exercises that would serve to dissolve the segregation that comes with — what some would label — “couple’s privilege”.
In addition I have also been musing on empowered ways to cultivate compersion; without expectation, on ones own terms.
To start What is Compersion?:
“The feeling of joy associated with when a loved one connects/loves/shares pleasure/is playful with another”
Caveat: First and foremost for those who struggle grasping compersion; You are the majority, and it is totally normal to feel both jealousy and compersion simultaneously. These two are not mutually exclusive whatsoever and may never be. Feeling jealously does not make you a failure.
People who have been practicing Non-Monogamy for several years still often battle with their and/or their lovers jealously. It is not about abolishing emotion; it’s about dissecting it, understanding it, and approaching it from both sides with compassion.
For instance, it is a potential that I may always feel jealousy periodically (and man oh man on occasion do I ever). I may feel it within my core-partnership, other partnerships, or any of my connections. (even the platonic ones!) —
I don’t pretend it doesn’t exist, but rather practice expressing it in a non accusatory manner — “I feel jealously” verses “You are making me jealous”. Try to sit down, practice trust, courageousness and give voice to the jealousy that stews inside, releasing it from the internal hold and opening it to other perspectives/mirrors. Try to acknowledge jealousy's existence, analyze it thoroughly to it’s root, collectively learn from it and then move forward together. This is one of the most important steps towards compersion that I have learned. Historically repression has been the the seed of revolution and the change that is to follow. But when we are immersed inside of that revolution the husk of repression needs to be released for us to be able to continue on.
“And the little screaming fact that sounds through all history: repression works only to strengthen and knit the repressed.”
― John Steinbeck, The Grapes of Wrath
Seven years I have been exploring the untrodden path of Polyamory, sometimes skillfully, many times not so much. One day I will likely write a book on how NOT to conduct yourself in the realm radical relations. Based purely on my personal experiences of course. I now believe I have come to a place where the initial volatile charge of reprogramming my brain to match my heart has come to a crescendo. I believe that now I am free to build with my chosen family a foundation for responsible “Love Without Fear”. As such I have been working on activities and exercises on how to gather compersion. Some of them are simple and solitary, and some of them involve another’s presence. All of them totally experimental, as mostly everything in this lifestyle has proven to be thus far.
Here is an example of a practice I felt to be potent:
In the presence of my Core Partner I sat beside him, unbeknownst to him (because I am mischievous) I began to handwrite a short paragraph on each sexual connection he had made during our time together as Partners.
These paragraphs described and declared why I was grateful he had connected with each of them. I will admit that with writing one or two of them it was not easy; as skillfulness on both of our parts have not always been perfect. That said I was able to find something to be grateful for even with those of whom had left a bad taste in my mouth; and those who didn’t? I gained an expanded appreciation for.
This was more healing for me personally than I had prepared myself for. My own notions of what a “threat” was to me had endured a total transformation.
Once done, I turned, smiled and gifted him the writings. A tangible gift that could be revisited when needed; one laden with love and an acceptance of his full erotic being, and theirs. My intention was that this offering would help release the guilt and shame surrounding fidelity that had been culturally instilled in him. What also ended up happening was it helped me gain a deeper understanding of what unconditional love really means; I gained a courage for expressing my personal boundaries, and created for myself a new, indomitable perception of faithfulness.
I believe this brought not only us closer together but also the community of which we are in attempts to nourish.
“Faithfulness is not necessarily sexual fidelity to one person, but the willingness to continually know your partner.” — sabine lichtenfels
Second Caveat to those on the otherside of compersion: Please remember for those that desire their partner/s to call in more compersion; the matching component to sending out compersion is receiving compassion.
Person #1: I feel joy that you connected with person #3, I love you
Person #2: I am grateful for your expression and know it’s sometimes not easy for you when I connect with others, I love you.
(meanwhile person #3 is stoked not to be the target of any conflict or guilt — BONUS!)
Here is another example of a practice surrounding appreciation of Non Core Partnerships/Connections:
Shortly after I attended the Love School in Oakland I chose on my own accord to write a Haiku to honour each of the lovers that I had made connections with within the duration of my Core Partnership. These — for the sake of the practice’s objective — were not addressed to “One night Stands” or strictly carnal endeavours (this personally made my list a fair amount shorter than it would have been had I included the singular connections). These Poems were constructed for those of whom I continue to share a deep trusting friendship with, regardless if the nature of that relationship was still sexual in nature.
Haikus are an interesting way of elucidation. I find given my tendency to tangent (IE write and write and write) that Haikus provided me a condensed to the point structure of which to summarize a straightforward point of expression. That simple focus of character and appreciation in its self was exceptionally cathartic for me. Minimalistic beauty at it’s best.
Once I posted these to my blog I was able to read and reflect on how special these people are to me and how grateful I am for their unique presence in my life. I opted to not outwardly show these to them or anyone else, save the few people that follow my blog. The reason for this being because the creation of beauty inspired by them was not about ME getting recognition via my writings — it was about me personally acknowledging them in the form of my personal medium. Sending love outward into the universe without the expectation of it coming back.
This provided a greater appreciation not just for the people of whom I wrote about, but for each the sublime individual that we all are. Each a exceptional anomalous gift to the world and to each other — in whatever the context. Intimacy amplified in it’s many facets.
SO there it is — a wee bit of experience from the mind and heart of a girl actively in service to a world that loves free from lies, malice and manipulation. One baby step at a time.
I want us so vehemently to live a life of authentic love, fierce devotion and continued progression that dares others to live their truth. To fully examine our and our connection’s desires and boundaries. To demonstrate a courageous form of love and community that includes all walks of life: the unabashed and multifarious gamut of humanness.
Perhaps we are radical dreamers, but if I have learned anything thus far I have learned that we sure as hell are not alone on this inexperienced journey into fearless brazen amorousness.
I dare you to be truthful, honest and responsible in your Love — with each and every individual that you hold with sweet regard — I dare you to fully exist in service to the morphogenic field of adoration of which surrounds and resonates from you . I dare you to pontificate on what it would look like to have your life’s actions be collectively in service to cultivating the possibility of a world that loves without fear.