12 Things to Do When Your Dope Article/Tweet/Post/Meme Isn’t Tracking Well

TFW you post that perfect article/tweet/post/meme, yet it’s not getting the “likes” or “thumbs up” or “OMFG”’s that you think it ought to. Fear not friends, for I have a twelve-step remedy so that you never have to feel like a lousy son of a bitch with no social clout ever again. Tha plan is as follows:

  1. Do nothing, let ’em come to you.
  2. Contact Rick Reilly for a pithy one liner…Wait for response…Plagiarize Rick Reilly due to lack of response…Subtweet Rick Reilly for “going Hollywood”
  3. Post something kind of funny about Ryan Lochte and how it might apply to your current predicament…e.g. “Different strokes for different folks, amiright?!” It’s topical because of the Olympics, and things that are topical are inherently funny. Ipso facto, social media gold.
  4. Pander to political parties: e.g. (Re: Democant’s): “Boy the response to this post is so cold obviously global warming is real”…(Re: Republicant’s): “Boy the response to this post is so cold, obviously global warming is a hoax.” You literally can’t lose either way. NOTE: These jokes are trademarked by me so come up with your own. I will pursue legal action if they are replicated in any fashion.
  5. Sleep on It… Just kidding, this is the biggest mistake you can make. Content, content, content. People need to hear/see your opinions on everything/anything. Just start writing whatever comes to your brain head, especially if it’s inflammatory or inappropriate. Your “friends” will THANK YOU later.
  6. Talk about Game of Thrones. I’m not familiar but apparently it’s quite popular. Major bonus points if you read the book (no spoilers! lol).
  7. Re-evaluate your life. If you’ve followed steps one through six with no results, this is perfectly normal at this stage. BUT it’s also a classic mistake so maybe skip straight ahead to step E8ght.
  8. Double-down, post something you normally wouldn’t. You know what I’m talking about ; ) That borderline/horrifically offensive thing you never had the COURAGE to post…This will get people talking!!!!!!!!1 Hopefully maybe about your original dope article/tweet/post/meme but probably not.
  9. Drink Seven Dos Equis (in 8 minutes). This should really be used in conjunction with number 8 because, let’s face it, this social media game is stressful and you need to unwind (you’ve earned it!!!)
  10. Lather, Rinse, Retweet. I thought this was a clever headline.
  11. Find a celebrity with whom you identify as a contemporary and retweet their stuff. ex. Ricky Gervais is an atheist. USE THAT to YOUR advantage (super edgy and controversial, people will trip over themselves to weigh in on your tacit approval of the Rick-Meister)
  12. I’ve given you enough, leave me alone.