A Sunday To Forget For Football Loving, Sterling Hating Daily Mail Readers

“Dear Diary,

Another terrible day again. It started quite normally, you know, a nice cup of tea in bed, brought up by the wifey. And then, as per usual, a spot of Andrew Marr. I was pleased to see the co-founder of leave.eu Arron Banks making an appearance. National treasure if you ask me! Never mind Sir Mo Farah or that leftist Stephen Fry!

10am soon became 11, so I decided to wander downstairs and have some breakfast. Full English! 2 Lincolnshire sausages, 2 rashers of smoked bacon, fried egg, black pudding, baked beans (Heinz of course), fried tomato and toast. Oh and mushrooms. This really is the best of British.

It’s usually at this point the old girl comes wondering in with the Daily Mail in her mouth. No, no, not the wife. My black lab. Anyway, I quickly flicked through the front pages: bloody immigrants, bloody remoaners, bloody celebrity scandals, bloody immigrants.

I then turned to the sport section. There’ll be something in here to cheer me up. Ah the footy. I decided I would nestle down in front of the television and watch Manchester City vs Southampton whilst the wifey cooks the roast.

After a spot of gardening, I swapped my Wellingtons for slippers, lit the fire, and put on Sky Sports. The line-ups were as expected and if form was anything to go by, Southampton were in for an absolute drubbing, so at least there would be plenty of goals.


Half-time came around and I was quite right! 4–1 to Pep’s boys. But I was furious. That bloody Raheem Sterling was running riot. It’s almost like he was trying to get Southampton relegated. They’re a good old-fashioned, British club, with a good old-fashioned, British manager. How dare he. I mean, who does he think he is?! This had better stop in the second half, I thought.

Another 45 minutes passed and the onslaught continued. And yet again, Sterling was having a field day. You know he’s got a tattoo of a gun on his leg! Typical uneducated footballer! Glorifying violence despite millions of kids watching him week in week out. I’m sure he hasn’t got a good reason for it.

I don’t care that he’s the most in-form English player at the moment…

…or that he bagged 2 goals and 2 assists this week…

…or that he helped England get to the semi-finals of the World Cup…

...or that he bought his older sister a house and publicly thanked her for the support she’d given him growing up…

…or that he came from a poorer area of London and battled against the odds to make his dream come true…

…or that he’s more successful and humble than us Daily Mail readers will ever be put together…

He’s the player that we love to hate and we will continue to to give him unnecessary grief, every time he walks on the pitch.


I didn’t talk to my wife for the duration of our Sunday roast which upset her. I decided to have a bath just after a rage-fuelled poo, which made my haemorrhoids 10 times worse, then went to bed. Very early and very angry.”