Apparently I’m not the ocean.
My therapist said something to me the other day that made more sense than anything I’d heard recently.
She said, “What if you always thought you were the ocean, and then someone told you that you were actually a bunch of drops of water?
When I was diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder in April, I felt like I had been told, “You have always thought you were the ocean, but in reality you are rubber.”
Or something. Something NOT ocean. Something only pretending to be ocean.
I have lived since then feeling like I was less than human and needed to stay invisible for as much of life as I had left, however long that was going to be. I began walking with my head down, wearing muted colors, avoiding eye contact. I kept my arms wrapped around myself protectively most of the time. When I had to be in groups of people I have hidden with my back to them, and found any excuse I could NOT to be there.
Then she says I am drops of water. Like, I CAN be ocean. Someday. I really like the idea that this could be true. Not ready to jump in, but thinking about accepting it.
Also, I picked mulberries yesterday. I keep forgetting to tell someone! You’re welcome. ☺