So yesterday my therapist suggested i try letting some of my parts look out through my eyes at the same time I am. It’s called being co-conscious.
HA. The idea of trying to be co-conscious with WHOEVER just makes me SO mad. And trying to do my daily PSAs with a nice voice and not mentally slamming the door on them when I’m done is just about impossible. I managed to do it today but it was probably really obvious that I didn’t really mean it. They never really let on though, when I’m not being nice.
So yesterday after she talked about being co-conscious, I just felt like I didn’t have anything else to say, that I couldn’t really handle any other challenges the rest of the day. So I was just sitting there, thinking, being annoyed. Then I was frozen, mad. I was gripping my knees up to my chest, and clenching my jaw, and my vision was pulsing, dark. I didn’t try to move, didn’t want to. I didn’t want to come back, couldn’t think of a reason I needed to. I don’t know how long I sat there. She didn’t say anything about it during or after. While I was frozen we sat in silence. When I was back and started talking again, I just felt very raw, like I wanted to hide my face.
I immediately went to the gas station afterward and bought junk food (ate it in the car on the way home), and had some ham when I got home. For the rest of the night I felt as though there was no gas pedal in me. Just…inertia. I didn’t want to do anything, just sit there. No ideas, no desire for movement or decisions. I didn’t care about anything I could think of.
Inside I just heard this roaring. It started during my session. Like a furious monster. I was envisioning something just ripping me apart, tearing my leg open, biting or eating me. SO angry. Any time I thought of being co-conscious it was there.
Today any time I have thought about it I start going away in my head again, so I have just stayed away from it. And she said co-consciousness is not for at work anyway, so I’m not going to mess with it. I might spend some time tonight thinking about it. Maybe while I’m petting my kitty.