Help! My Teenager Won’t Return to School!
by Arthur C Woods
It’s no secret that many teenagers simply don’t like school. That is not uncommon. However, some teens dislike school so much that they will regularly refuse to even attend. This can be a huge point of frustration for parents. Lack of school attendance has both legal and academic consequences, and will greatly impact your teen’s future. You already know that though — it’s getting your teen to understand (or care) that is the problem. If you are facing this issue with your son or daughter, just know that you are in good company. Many parents, right now, are struggling with the same thing.
While there is no magical “instant fix” to this problem, may I suggest asking yourself six questions that will help you to better process the situation and can lead you to develop some strategies to promote your teen’s school attendance.
Here are those questions:
(1) Why Does Your Teen Not Want to Return to School?
So why does your son or daughter not want to return to school? And I’m not talking about the “surface level” why — nor the quick response, “shut down the conversation” why — nor the “convenient excuse” why — but the legitimate, honest, transparent, authentic, heart felt, true reason why he or she does not want to return to school? Is it academic reasons? Social & relational reasons? Mental & emotional health reasons (Depression / Anxiety / ADHD etc…)? Can you drill down deep and find the true why behind your teen’s lack of desire to attend school? You may not get this right away — it may take some time and patience. It may take multiple conversations, but eventually, you will want to get to the root of the issue. When you do get to the root, it will better empower you to help your teenagers work through the struggle she or he is experiencing.
(2) What Would Have to be True For Your Teen to Want to Return to School?
The second question is a natural progression from the first question. Assuming by this point that you have a proper understanding of why your teen is refusing school, ask him or her this question . . . “What would have to be true for you to desire to return to school?” Don’t just let them say “nothing!” Pursue that question with them. Have them think through what would have to be true. What scenario? What change? What mindset? What motivation? What would have to be true . . .? Assuming their answer is at least somewhat realistic and appropriate, what can you as a parent do to help create your teen’s desired scenario? What can you change? Who do you need to contact? What is it going to take to get close to what your teenager wants out of his or her school experience? Keep in mind, your teen may desire things that are simply not possible and/or are not appropriate. We can’t (and should’t) just give them every little thing they want, but we can try to work with them and with the school to create a scenario that is acceptable to your teen.
(3) What Incentives Can be Provided to Encourage School Attendance?
Positive incentives can be a tremendous way to encourage teenagers to do the things that they ought to do. School attendance is no exception to that. I do want to be clear that I’m talking about incentivizing — not bribing. Bribing is more like “If you go to school today, I’ll give you $20.” Rather, a well thought out and agreed upon incentive can be the very thing that encourages your teen to go to school. How can you as a parent, or even the school, provide your son or daughter with some specific, appropriate incentives for school attendance. Get creative with it and make sure your teen is involved in the discussion. They know better than anyone what might incentivize them to attend school.
(4) What is Your Teen’s Hope For The Future?
While your teen may not have any kind of well thought out 5-year plan for their future (I’d be surprised if they did), they do have some kind of general idea about what they would like to do after high school. College? Career? Marriage? Money? An apartment or home? etc… It is unlikely that any of these things will come easily (if at all) to your student if they don’t at least have a high school diploma (or GED). You certainly can’t get into college with out one. In most cases, employers don’t higher even entry level positions with out a diploma. What is your son or daughter’s desire for their life, post high school? Help them understand that the choices they are making right now (regardless of what grade they are in) are directly affecting what options they will have when they graduate. Help them get excited about their future and encourage them to chase their dream, but let them know that school is one of the best ways to make their envisioned future happen.
(5) Who Else Can Your Teen Discuss This With?
Regardless of how close you are to your teen, sometimes they just need to hear advice from someone else — even if that advice is identical to the advice you are trying to give them. Is there someone they can talk to about their refusal to attend school? A school guidance counselor? A teen coach? A school resource or truancy officer? A trusted mentor? Who can you as a parent partner with to help your teen open up about their lack of desire for school? That certainly does not mean that you should stop engaging your teen about the issue, but it may mean that there is a second voice poring in to your teen’s life who is providing your son or daughter with the same advice you are providing. Who could that be for your teen?
(6) Are There Alternate Educational Programs and/or School Systems to Consider?
Depending on how much flexibility you as a parent have, and depending on what education options your school district provides, it may be wise to consider other academic opportunities for your teen. Public school — private school — cyber school and home schooling are all great options depending on your family’s needs and ability. And even within each of those four types of schools, there are various programs and educational systems that your son or daughter might thrive better in. Don’t be afraid to contact your school district and discuss other options with them. They will be able to tell you exactly what the district offers. Also, depending on the age of your teenager and their specific situation, you could consider the possibility of them taking their GED test as a substitute for a high school diploma. I would probably not go that route immediately, but in some cases it is the best case scenario.
Hopefully these six questions have already helped you think about the situation you are in with your teenager. Be patient — be loving — and do your best to intentionally work with your son or daughter to trouble shoot the issues that they are experiencing with school.
by Arthur C Woods, Teen Coach
Arthur C Woods Coaching exists to partner with parents in helping their teens develop Wisdom, Confidence and Intentionality in life. Schedule a free consultation call with Arthur at www.ArthurCWoodsCoaching.com. Let him show you how he can strategically help your teenager in a safe, virtual, 1:1 coaching experience.
