Helping Your Teen Develop Healthy Friendships
by Arthur C Woods
“In order to do what you want to do, [and be who you want to be] you have to find the people who are doing it and spend time in the places where it’s happening.” - The Proximity Principle by Ken Coleman (Ramsey Press)
Did you read the quote above?
Consider reading it again. . . .
Consider reading it a third time, as this concept is the basis for what I want to write about today.
If you are reading this, chances are really good that you were once a teenager, and perhaps now you are the parent of a teenager. You know that those teen years are all about friendships and close relationships. You know that teenagers are often closer to their friends than they are to anyone else in their life. And I bet you also know, and have probably observed first hand, that the people your son or daughter chooses to hang out with directly impacts their attitudes — their beliefs and their behaviors. You can often predict the road your teen is going to walk down simply based on the friends that they choose to draw near to. This can be a positive thing, or a total detriment to their healthy development.
The proximity principle indicates that in order for your teenager to do what they really want to do, and be who they really want to be, they must surround themselves with friends who will help them get there. Unfortunately, they frequently do just the opposite.
So how do you as a parent help your teenager develop healthy relationships with friends that are positive? How do you encourage them to surround themselves with people who will help them become who they really want to be?
Here is a five step discussion that will help you engage your teenager in this conversation . . . .
I. TALK TO THEM ABOUT THE PROXIMITY PRINCIPLE.
Chances are good that your teen is not aware of the proximity principle — and that’s ok. It gives you, the parent, an opportunity to teach them something new. Perhaps for the first time, they can begin to realize the short term and long term results of the friendships in which they are currently engaged. Author Jim Rohn is quoted as saying “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” Who are the five people with whom your son or daughter spends the most time? On average, are those people helpful or hurtful to their development and success? So, without trying to sound “judgy,” engage your teen in a conversation about this important principle.
II. HELP THEM IDENTIFY WHAT AND WHO THEY WANT TO BE.
As part of this conversation, help your teen begin to identify what and who they want to be. In fact, I would argue that it’s far more important for them to know who they want to be, more so than what they want to be. Obviously this is a large conversation and your teen is not going to have all the answers yet, but it is good to have them start to think about these things. Helping them identify who they want to be will help them determine who they want to spend time with. And that brings us to the next point . . .
III. HAVE THEM LIST THE PEOPLE IN THEIR LIFE WHO CAN HELP THEM.
Based on who and what your son or daughter truly wants to be, both now and in the future, encourage them to write out all the people in their life who can help them accomplish those wants — friends, family members, co workers etc… Discuss each person on their list with them, and have them explain to you how each individual can be a positive, healthy influence on them in their road to success. (Pro Tip: If your teen did not put you on that list, consider encouraging them to add you — even if it seems like a bit of an after thought).
After the list has been compiled, encourage them to seek out quality time with each person (This is assuming you are comfortable with everone on the list).
IV. HAVE THEM LIST THE PEOPLE IN THEIR LIFE WHO MAY HURT THEIR PROGRESS.
Now that they have compiled a list of people who can help them become who they truly want to be, its time to dig down a bit and create an honest list of individuals who would most likely be a negative and unhealthy influence in their life. The point of this list is not necessarily that your teen ends all contact with those people (unless that is appropriate to do so). The point is to identify those people and to make some potentially hard decisions as to whether or not they are going to spend time with them. Are these the people that should be in your teen’s “top five” friends? (Pro Tip: If your teen has not put someone on that list that you feel should be on the list, don’t be afraid to humbly and gently ask about that person). So, now that they understnad the proximity principle, and now that they have two separate lists of people, its time to make some tough decisions. That brings us to our final point . . .
V. HAVE THEM COMITT TO RESTRUCTURING THEIR FRIENDSHIPS TO MAXIMIZE THEIR SUCCESS.
Simply understanding the proximity principle is fairly useless, unless you are willing to embrace it, and make intentional decisions about the people with whom you spend your time. This is where it gets tough. Your teen may have identified close friends that they know are poor influences on them. But for their own good, help your teen do some relational restructuring. Help them figure out how to spend more time with those on the positive list and less time with those on the other list. It may take some time — it may take some baby steps — but the relational restructuring is a healthy and positive step in your teen’s personal development.
If you want to have this conversation with your teenager, we have created a discussion guide to help you do exactly that. This guide will help you, as a parent, step your teen through the questions listed in this article. For a free copy of this PDF guide, email Arthur at Info@ArthurCWoods.com and ask for the “Developing Healthy Friendships” discussion guide.
Arthur C Woods Coaching partners with parents to help their teens develop Wisdom, Confidence and Intentionality in life. Schedule a free consultation call with Arthur at www.ArthurCWoodsCoaching.com. Let him show you how he can strategically help your teenager in a safe, virtual, 1:1 coaching environment.
