Photo: Asthoff, Mark

Words are…

…cheap. As I sat there, hanging on his every word. I knew that they were just that…words. He continued to express, in every way possible, how I make him feel. I feel those same emotions but I won’t say it because I’ve learned throughout mistakes made; one, is giving too much of myself too soon and two, not having enough socks for long camping trips. (Thankfully, socks aren’t hard to come by at the local tack shop.)

A girl can take what you say seriously, only when it’s followed by an action.

Yet, I know what the outcome will be. I don’t have control of this. Literally, on a roller-coaster of uncontrolled emotions.

A few months will fly by, we will be in this smitten state of rose colored glasses and ‘POOF!!’ I’ll get bored. He’ll feel smoothed. I’ll become unsure on what I want and then I’ll start pushing him away. I recognize this and am accepting to ride until the controller says, “Ride’s over.”

For once in my life it’s okay without knowing what the future will hold because there is no navigating this ghost ship.

It’s never easy, knowing that my feelings are fleeting. It’s the moment when I’ve honored myself and listened to that voice of reason. I am a self-saboteur and recognized that this is something I need to work on.

I can attest the way I am is not directly related to my parents but it does play a strong role. The journey to self-love is long and there is always a ‘happening’ for the reason.

In meeting people during this journey, most of them were for the benefit of my growth. That night I saw the real reason why, not how, you’re in my life. Rather I’m in your life to help you grow.

I reflect on those that I’ve been with and helped in their fears/doubts/hopes for connection. All before they felt confident in their skin to see their true potential. I exude a strong positive energy. With that, I am able to see these kinds of experiences and with time, help them grow for the benefit of both.

I welcome you.