Dear depression patients,

I am one of you.
When you have no control of your mind and go wandering around, why does their concern only last till they have brought you back home safely? Why do they never give you that space where you can comfortably sit and ‘rant’ in front of them and they just listen? Just listen. No advices. No suggestions. ’Cause you have had enough of them already. Do they realise that it hurts more to sit and rant alone in a dark room? They probably don’t poke you much because they fear that you might get another panic attack. But do they realise that panic attacks are basically ‘bottled up emotions’, ‘caged demons’, ‘painful muffled screams’…that you are probably dying to get out of your system. Your friends, your family, your counsellor, your therapist, your psychiatrist; they have all told you to either follow a routine and get back to work or rely on meds. “Easier said than done”, you must have all said to yourself. But why does all their concern end the moment you have done something impulsive and they have had to deal with it to ensure your safety? Do they realise that they had to ‘only’ deal with it, you had to bloody ‘go through’ it? Can they gauge what goes on inside your head after the world around you seems to have calmed down….the pain, the regret, the guilt. Do they realise how disturbed you are then? Probably not. ’Cause that is when they leave you alone to deal with it on your own. They leave you alone when you need them the most. ’Cause they think that is the best thing to do for you give your own time..your own ‘alone’ time..That is when the future demons are nurtured.
And that is how the cycle continues. And this is why you can never be ‘cured’. A part of the demon left with that one impulsive attempt. But the other part stayed on. And it will probably come out again, in another series of panic attacks. And then the advices pour again. And your appointments with your psychiatrist continue. Because the demons still exist, waiting to over power you in the next chance they get. And then there’s another bad day trigger or a bad week’s cumulative trigger. And then you again lose your mind and take another impulsive stupid step. And thus the cycle continues. Or may be that is where it all ends.

-Midnight rant of a 24 year old with major depressive disorder (Been there, felt that)

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