5ive Reasons Why You Hate Me

I’ve been holding my tongue for a while now. And I realize that I look really dorky with my main lines and Bistro hat but try to take me a little bit seriously. It’s not you, it’s me.

#1 or… #5?

It is cool to hate me. That is true, it’s something that brings you together as students. Media Comm students have something in common with Equine majors and vegetarians here, even the math department and the soccer team have something in common to talk about and bond over. When everyone is rolling their eyes at the fact that I have Cheetos as a mainline option it opens up a window of conversation. I am Community Hour. And that really hard piece of bread is used to break the ice between student groups.

Bringing students and student workers together. They probably wouldn’t have had this interaction if I served chicken.

#4 or… #2?…………………4

You are looking too hard, I need you to overlook some things about me in order for us to both be happy.

I can’t be expected to check every single piece of bread or waffle. Sometimes that food sits in the back for, well, I can’t say. There are so many options that you are just looking past because you’re fixated on the fact that I have catfish nuggets out again.

We consumed a paltry 15 pounds of seafood per person in 2011, compared to 195 pounds of eggs, pork, beef, and chicken — according to various government sources. — The Atlantic

Well maybe you guys statistically don’t want fish.

The listed items are definitely major food groups full of healthy proteins.

There are a lot more options like bagels, waffles, ice cream, pizza, pasta & maple syrup. So if you need sustenance, just make yourself an ice cream waffle pizza; be creative. With a little bit of time and creativity (I’m looking at you Media Comm students - put your filmmaking brains to work) you could have a great meal. Just make sure you’re not in a hurry.

“There’s a huge lack of options for vegetarians or vegans. They’ve tried to make some changes but it’s really minimal. I usually end up making a salad every time I’m in there but the produce isn’t always fresh and almost always has a weird taste to it.” — Current vegetarian-vegan-gluten free student

They are wrong through, all of my salad is so fresh that it still looks alive. I do cover most of my food in butter and cheese which, (while delicious to almost everyone), is deadly to some people, or at least breaks their moral code for what they are allowed to eat. You can try to make stir fry or a waffle (if the waffle maker isn’t broken) but check the #math on these. It takes 2.5 minutes to make a waffle, that means only 24 waffles can be made in a 1 hour lunch period and you know that guy wants two waffles. Stir Fry bar, averages 4 minutes per meal but there are 4 stations. So you can get 60 stir fry meals completed in a lunch hour, but you might be in line for awhile. Or you can make an omelette if you beat out a stir fry cook with the four skillets, never clean, sorry. 5 minutes to make an omelette, 24 omelettes. And that only feeds 108 or 48 of you if you all stick to the listed timetables, and that never happens. I’ve watched it so many times, so trust me.

So fresh. So delicious.

#Probably Reason 3

I receive so few comment cards, I watch all of you walk under my fluorescent lights and through my bars and you look so defeated from homework/crushing student debt/lack of chicken that you don’t have the time or energy to write another essay on a comment card. I know your pain, I have the Grille/Bistro sitting on top of me all the time, do you think that guy is light? Or smells good? If you’re short on time/energy/chicken, here’s a freebie on me.

Dear, person who chose ____________ to eat today.
Why? I do not like ____________ the people I sit with at lunch also do not like ____________. We have signed our names below and would like to have less ____________ and are requesting as (coerced) paying customers, more chicken. Chicken is delicious.
Thank you for your time.

If you want to eat something else you can’t just tell me I suck. You have to help me, I watch you while you eat but I can’t hear you. You have to put it into writing so I can do something about it. So tweet at me Asbury Caf or email cafeteriasuggestions@asbury.edu, I’ll make fun of you but the guys behind the email will (probably) answer your questions and try to their best to help (ask for more chicken). Most of my staff are great people, although I have watched someone very grumpy throw away comment cards before, so you have use the email. You pay A LOT to just complain, but it’s fun.

Asbury alumna preaching my legacy

#3.5 (I Make My Own Rules)

The Bistro thing is always closed and takes forever to get the food out. Why isn’t it a Chick-fil-a up there? Wouldn’t it be nice if you could walk out his doors onto a nice rooftop patio?

#3.7 — Sorry About Running Out of Forks

I don’t know what is going on with that one. But if there was a class on “eating all foods with a spoon and knife” you guys could place out of the 101 requirement.

#3.9 — Student Appreciation Night

Only happens once a semester, that sucks. But it’s not as bad a Premium Night. Why isn’t every day student appreciation day and every night Premium Night? Who knows.

#4 wait, 2…..? — You Are SO Spoiled!

Being an adult is about eating things you don’t want to eat. When my father Z.T. Caf Johnson (his photo is in my lobby) was raising me, he told me, “Caf Jr., when you eat under my roof, you have to eat your broccoli — when you grow up and have your own roof, you can serve whatever you want.” Moral of the story: being an adult in college is about eating what other people choose for you. If you don’t want fish stick sandwiches, too bad. If your mom had time to stay home with you every day (didn’t you guys go to school already?) and make meals for you then you are spoiled, or just homeschooled…

Moving on.

It is said that one legendary Sea Star once went an entire semester without stepping foot into me, using 0 of the card swipes he paid for and instead, accumulated thousands of Subway points.
It was better than trying to feed myself with the limited amount of time I had in a day but it was very over priced! — Asbury Eagle

Don’t lower your standards, just realize that you were once spoiled and now that you have to pay for a meal plan, it definitely won’t be what you expect (read: paid for it) to be.

Assume you eat 21 meals a week. (You have to eat them in me because you’re not allowed to have a microwave. Or you could share the dorm microwave, but do you know when it was last cleaned?)

3 meals a day for 7 days. Like a normal spoiled American. The (largest) 225 meal block plan is $1,389 which maths out to $6.17334 per meal. Number of days in a semester is about 100 which is…

300 meals during a semester, hope you planned eating out or skipping meals into your budget this year because you’re 75 meals short. 😭

For just about the same as you pay for Pepsi products and catfish nuggets, you could have one of these delicious options.

Now I know you may have been to “Raising Canes” before and seen that they accept UK student meal plans there. Amazing right? That’s some future-tech that I’m unfortunately not built with. 🙁 I tried to make it happen with my buddy Subway but the wire wouldn’t reach far enough for my card swiper to go over there and people kept running over it in the parking lot and tripping on it. Sorry kids, the only place you can spend that spendy meal credit is in my walls. Oh, don’t be hungry after 7 pm, (cause I’m closed) I try to stay open but they won’t let me. I do have a hookup that will take care of you after hours though. ⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️

Be back before Community Hour.

#5, er #1 — I Can’t Keep Up / Expectations

Food is inherently a social experience. When Jesus fed the 5000 he broke bread and catfish nuggets and was able to feed all of them with food left over. And just like I serve, they ate the leftover catfish later (this may not be Biblically accurate).

At the Asbury caf we are so environmentally conscious we recycle all our food! — Former Employee of Mine

You shouldn’t take the food I serve for granted because you pay for it.

$all meal plans x students ≠ food budget? 🌯

Let your voice be heard, @asburycaf, email, talk to management. The internet is for complaining, but don’t blindly complain, complain constructively. Or post the best food creations you have put together. #cafcreations (My Transy friend has an account)

The staff isn’t the food that is served, don’t treat them poorly. Doug is the man. He will take care of you no matter what, he’s the guy that will keep the doors open after closing hours for athletes whose practice ran late or check to see if they have something in the back for you if you don’t see it out front. He is my friend and ally. I have seen you students…

  • Let milk pour out of the milk machine and not tell anyone.
  • Break the waffle mix dispenser and have waffle mix pour all over the counter and floor. You added an 8 oz cup under the spout, which was a good effort. But not for the three gallons of waffle mix that ended up all over me.
  • You got a cereal dispenser stuck and let the Mighty Mateys (Not Lucky Charms) pour, you guessed it, also all over the floor.
  • You guys can be real jerks to the staff, it’s not their fault my food isn’t… delicious/edible. I am Dis-Ap-point-ED! in you guys.
If Asbury wants a decent athletic program, then they should value it. In regards to the Asbury Caf that means providing nutritious food options and not half closing the cafeteria before practices get out leaving athletes to have cereal and ice cream (the things that weren’t already put away) for dinner every night. — Asbury Eagle

#6 or #0 — But Who is Counting?

I don’t smell great. I’m sorry, it’s years of grease buildup in my pores and I can’t wash everywhere, but you should. Recapping.

  • I smell bad
  • I bring you together
  • I have the… food.
  • Pineapple Sherbet is literally the worst ice cream ever and I don’t know why anyone ever ordered it. I once had 5 of my 8 ice cream holes filled with that nastiness.
  • There should be a Taco Bell in Wilmore.
Everybody love Asbury Caf

Make me better, Make me stronger. Or don’t show up.

Your friend, @asburycaf. Here’s my Menu.

P.S. If you want a few more laughs, look at my mentions from your fellow students. Or look across the table and talk to your friends, you only have to/get to? eat here for four years anyway. #inawe
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