Numb Series

Numb is a general narrative of emotions. It describes love and heartbreak. It describes depression. It describes anxiety. It’s hopeful and it’s hopeless. I began writing this in 2012, finished it in 2013 but have revisited it at every stage in my life since.

Numb Part 1:

used to holding in emotions 
something like holding in life 
there now seems nothing to be held 
a notion larger than life

moving in slow motion 
a place where pain defies definition 
in a position where fear is in full submission to ambition

because if these scares could speak 
they’d tell you I have nothing to lose 
a testimony of silence that now has something to prove

lately I’ve been deprived of the power to feel 
unless I’m high or my hands are on you 
even the thought of love is no longer lovely 
and being high is nothing new

never understood why I couldn’t control the rainy days 
all I can do is own the best umbrella 
making toasts to the sun rays 
while they last , I’ll enjoy the weather

so I’ll take my chances with this dream 
‘cause I wont feel it if I fall 
I just pray I regain feeling by the time I have it all.

Numb Part 2:

something like a lullaby to my silent cry 
only recognizable sensations seem to be intense highs 
& extreme lows 
& since my hands ‘vebeen removed from you 
lows might be all I’ll ever know

But please don’t judge me just ‘cuz I can’t feel 
see, this time 
numb might be my saving grace 
If I can’t feel the pain you’ve caused 
I cant show it on my face 
people won’t ask , “what’s wrong?” 
Nor will they know I ever loved you 
I won’t even cry this time 
Everything I see wont remind me of you 
I can’t care that you left even though you said you’d never 
I’m used to it all now 
I won’t say there’s no such thing as love 
Just something more like temporary forevers 
but I’m numb

Numb Part 3:

went from being numb to feeling everything 
now I’m craving a wedding ring? 
feeling like I’m ready for my king 
& the satisfaction that love brings

knowing what I want is easy 
but not knowing what I’ll get … 
having goals but choosing paths 
is what keeps my eyes wet

fatigue; the origin of numbness 
a true absence of feeling? 
or a mask? an appearance? 
a past of injustice and judgment 
leads to reluctance to indulge in the desires of my chest 
that state of being numb 
my mind’s sole court of rest

but what now?

now my being deserves its compliment does it not? 
or are my senses only qualified to sit here & rot?

I felt it when it was here 
& more intensely when it left 
feeling like I should just hang it all up 
sit it on a high shelf 
because it seems that these thoughts 
bring only pain and confusion 
whether they’re positive or the opposite 
oh and even the two as a fusion 
the outcome ? 
something short of crystal clear 
and something worse than a contusion 
could just be an illusion?

it’s easier to just be numb.

Ashlee Nicole ©2013

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