Numb is a general narrative of emotions. It describes love and heartbreak. It describes depression. It describes anxiety. It’s hopeful and it’s hopeless. I began writing this in 2012, finished it in 2013 but have revisited it at every stage in my life since.
Numb Part 1:
used to holding in emotions
something like holding in life
there now seems nothing to be held
a notion larger than life
moving in slow motion
a place where pain defies definition
in a position where fear is in full submission to ambition
because if these scares could speak
they’d tell you I have nothing to lose
a testimony of silence that now has something to prove
lately I’ve been deprived of the power to feel
unless I’m high or my hands are on you
even the thought of love is no longer lovely
and being high is nothing new
never understood why I couldn’t control the rainy days
all I can do is own the best umbrella
making toasts to the sun rays
while they last , I’ll enjoy the weather
so I’ll take my chances with this dream
‘cause I wont feel it if I fall
I just pray I regain feeling by the time I have it all.
Numb Part 2:
something like a lullaby to my silent cry
only recognizable sensations seem to be intense highs
& extreme lows
& since my hands ‘vebeen removed from you
lows might be all I’ll ever know
But please don’t judge me just ‘cuz I can’t feel
see, this time
numb might be my saving grace
If I can’t feel the pain you’ve caused
I cant show it on my face
people won’t ask , “what’s wrong?”
Nor will they know I ever loved you
I won’t even cry this time
Everything I see wont remind me of you
I can’t care that you left even though you said you’d never
I’m used to it all now
I won’t say there’s no such thing as love
Just something more like temporary forevers
but I’m numb
Numb Part 3:
went from being numb to feeling everything
now I’m craving a wedding ring?
feeling like I’m ready for my king
& the satisfaction that love brings
knowing what I want is easy
but not knowing what I’ll get …
having goals but choosing paths
is what keeps my eyes wet
fatigue; the origin of numbness
a true absence of feeling?
or a mask? an appearance?
a past of injustice and judgment
leads to reluctance to indulge in the desires of my chest
that state of being numb
my mind’s sole court of rest
but what now?
now my being deserves its compliment does it not?
or are my senses only qualified to sit here & rot?
I felt it when it was here
& more intensely when it left
feeling like I should just hang it all up
sit it on a high shelf
because it seems that these thoughts
bring only pain and confusion
whether they’re positive or the opposite
oh and even the two as a fusion
the outcome ?
something short of crystal clear
and something worse than a contusion
could just be an illusion?
it’s easier to just be numb.
Ashlee Nicole ©2013