Why One Of The Worst Days Of My Life Was Actually A Blessing

My grandmother used to say, “Don’t back me into a corner, or I’ll come out swinging!” When I made the decision to venture 3,000 miles away, I had essentially been backed into the proverbial corner of life. I graduated from college into a recession that made finding decent work next to impossible. I had my heart broken twice. I was not feeling fulfilled by the life I was living. Needless to say, things weren’t going as planned and I was searching for direction.

One day, there was some commotion going on and a family member had entered my home and began screaming. This was not the first time this had happened, and I really wanted to help figure out what was going on. When I inquired what his problem was exactly, he deemed me a “loser” and proceeded to violently scream in my face, telling me to “get out.” Mind you, this person didn’t even live in my home, yet somehow thought he had the authority to kick me out. This person knew next to nothing about me but felt that he had the authority to deem my life worthless.

There were so many people in my life that loved me, but it was hard to hear any of them over this blatant attack. As this person stood there, screaming obscenities in my face I didn’t feel loved. How could I even love myself through that pain?

I remember that day like it was yesterday. I got in my car and I couldn’t even go anywhere without sobbing uncontrollably. It was a miracle that I didn’t crash. When someone tries to make you feel like your life doesn’t matter; when they try and strip away your self-worth, it’s beyond a terrible feeling.

I needed a drastic change. I had been dreaming for years of living on the west coast. I didn’t know anyone there. I didn’t have a job lined up. I had no idea where I was going to live 2 weeks before I left. All I knew was that I needed to go.

So, I did it. I “got out” just like that family member wanted. I set out on this journey to find… something. Honestly, I can’t even tell you what I actually set out to find. Maybe I just needed to find peace with myself. First, I made the profound realization that blood isn’t thicker than water when it comes to the people in your life. Love is love.

Off I went into a land where everything was brand new. What I had to hold onto was the dream I fulfilled just in making the leap. If anyone tells you that having a dream makes the journey any easier, they’re lying. Going west for me was the farthest thing from easy. Now I see that what made the entire journey possible was actually my pain.

On this journey I faced challenge after challenge after challenge. There were plenty of times that I wanted to give up. In between the struggles, I met my husband. He had similar dreams to me, but his road was considerably less bumpy. Although our very different lives merged, there’s a freedom for me that lies in his understanding.

I learned so much more than I ever expected by “getting out.” I learned that the people who matter to you will be there for you whether you’re 3 miles away or 3,000. In fact, being far away somehow brought me closer to many of the people who are important in my life. It’s a testament to what love really means. I even reconnected with an old fiend who helped me to reignite my own light.

You see, there came a point in the midst of my challenges when I thought maybe that the pain had won. I thought I’d never be able to find my own light again. This friend helped me to find my light, and for that I’m forever grateful.

My journey has brought me places I never could have imagined. Sometimes it all seems like a dream.

I think back to that moment when my family member hurt me so badly. I think back to how much I have grown in the time that has passed since. I think of the fact that now I can actually forgive this person. I’m actually thankful for the pain he caused.

While he is no longer a part of my life, he actually pushed me to LIVE. Getting out pushed me to do so many incredible things. I traveled and danced as an audience member at Ellen and helped shoot a music video. I went to beach bonfires and ate amazing food. I sat at Starbucks for hours with all of the other creative junkies and continued to dream. I sucked up every last bit of positive energy I could find and made it my own to survive.

I found happiness in my own corner of the world and choose only to surround myself with people who I love and love me back. As much as the pain that I went through outright sucked, I needed it. I needed the pain to move me and to help me grow. So many times on my journey I wanted to run. I wanted to turn around, because I wasn’t sure where I was or where I was going. Love was a driving force behind me the whole time, because although the exact opposite of love drove me to take my journey, the love of family and friends ignited me and kept me going the entire way.

As I move into the next phase of my life with my husband, who I truly believe is the gift I received in return for the pain I endured, I’m thankful. I’m thankful for the pain. I’m thankful that I listened to my grandmother and “came out swinging” just as I was ready to hide in the corner.

If I can share one thing that I have learned through this experience, it’s that no matter how bad it feels, pain can be a gift. Even through the screaming and the tears, pain can bring you places that you may have never even thought of. Pain can bring you a totally new and exciting life. Pain made my dreams come true.