The Sheriff Calls Us A “Near Miss”
Yep, Sheriff let me know on Saturday that we’re not a fit. I’d say he dropped the bomb, but it wasn’t really news as he’d been pretty checked out for a few weeks(guys are so dumb and annoying). That’s what he called us though. A NEAR MISS, and he’s “looking for perfect.” Yes, he actually said that, too. Then he did this weird thing with his fingers locking in different patterns. To give me a visual of what a near miss looks like?? I have no clue what it meant, for so many reasons that I don’t know where to begin.
“We’re like a round hole and an OVAL PEG.” Again, with the near miss analogy and his search for perfect. Huh? Seriously Sheriff. I’m sure I rolled my eyes and I know I said something like “good fucking luck, Buddy” (in a nice way), but it was kind of a blur so who knows. (insert confused and embarrassed emojis). Round and oval and near miss-that’s about the BEST it gets in this life, Honey. Unfucking believable, I thought. I would love perfect, who wouldn’t love perfect??!! BUT IT’S NOT OUT THERE SHERIFF. Just like the pot of gold, unicorns and women who bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan and still make you feel like a man. Real life isn’t a fucking Enjoli perfume commercial, Dickhead. Lo siento, Wilson for all the cussing but Jesus I’m pissed.
I Effing knew you weren’t ready to date yet, despite you repeating the contrary a few times. Your “perfect” comment tells us so. I know you are an “All In” guy, and love that about you. However, I also know no one is perfect, and from dating as long as I have been (sigh) and searching for the right finger locking relationship myself, this I know: You can PERFECT yourself into being alone forever. Don’t get me wrong, Wilson, and Sheriff (who arrogantly said “I won’t read your blog post about me”) I’m not advocating settling or big compromises just to have someone. I’m asserting that four out of five fingers locking is pretty perfect. (I still don’t get the significance of this finger lock but am trying to insert herein when relevant). Finding someone who you laugh with for hours is pretty perfect. Finding someone you say is gorgeous and smart and who has a great body (all his words about me) seems like bliss. Just the laughing alone, as long as you are cute and not a big dick (you know what I mean, Wilson), is worth the ride! But then, I’ve been out there a while and have learned which compromises seem big and which actually don’t. And there’s the rub.
Because I honestly thought there was enough “good stuff” there to keep at it, I was a bit shocked that after only two months of dating (4 weekends of which, I was out of town) Sheriff would decide to end it. I would have expected him to speak up about things he observed or thought perhaps he was compromising on. Yet he said nothing. He says almost nothing, EVER. We have talked briefly about this a few times (his quietness), and while I felt it was something I would need to learn to work with (compromising…)it was something I came to like about him. When he did talk, you got something good and I liked that, too.
So I asked him, when he said he just felt like he started to compromise himself too much, he’s done that in the past and did not want to do it anymore, what do you feel you’ve been compromising on? I really wanted to know for my own learning about myself and dating and improving my (already bad ass) self. I also was a bit incredulous about it because we have been together eight weeks, so WTF have we even done or not done that you feel you have compromised yourself? And why didn’t you speak up about it if you felt that way? You’re a large an IN-CHARGE guy, also something I loved about you. Certainly seems like you should have had no problem just saying “Hey Ash……then insert whatever it was you wanted to do or not do or see or not see from me.” Go fly a kite, kick rocks, pound sand, shut up and kill yourself, are a few things that come to MY mind right now about things you should do.
When I asked, you know what Sheriff said he’s compromising on, Wilson? You won’t believe it. He said I’m “a lot more prude than [he] is.” Like I put my clothes back on after sex. Um. Well, this is true. I really didn’t say too much on Saturday because I could see he’d made up his mind, I don’t chase people, and who wants to date someone so rigid that you’d pull the plug so soon for not measuring up. I did say though: we’ve only been together 8 weeks, I’ve gotten a lot more comfortable with you over the past weeks, spend a lot more time naked, have sex in the afternoon, have sex with the lights on, on top, AND probably most poignant: you NEVER said anything about me putting my clothes back on! Had you, I would likely never have worn clothes again. You had some secret expectation/s, then ended our relationship because I didn’t reach them, but never fucking told me what they were (I’m apparently only a four finger lock outta five kind of girl…). Really, with me not knowing what you’re looking for, and still I hit FOUR fingers, Bro!! That seems amazing. If I would have known the expectations, my god, we’d be five finger locking Mother-F*****S. Or in other words Happily Ever After.
The Sheriff said I don’t want you to dwell on that aspect (about my being prude). I said (or maybe just thought) I won’t dwell on anything you say, Honey, but Lucy and I have been LOL ever since because I have been dwelling on it. Hahahah…. Me prude? That’s actually hysterical. I gotta tell you Sheriff, I’m not actually prude at all, I just don’t have chandelier monkey sex with every guy I meet, and certainly not in the first few months anyway….. and nobody wants to date the girl who would, she’s bat-shit crazy and we all know it. Plus, OMG, I stuck my finger in your ass, and you didn’t even reciprocate! I asked you to have sex in the truck in the secret Sheriff garage after the game. But we didn’t. Sheriff said well, maybe I don’t know what I want then. Ok, now you should get the fuck out of my house. SRSLY.
He said I knew you’d be bummed, which I am and that he thought I was more “in” than he was. Huh? God you have a big ego (which again, I kinda liked, damnit), but you are the one who gave me a F****** key to your house and took me down to meet your family and called me Lt’s Mom. I WAS JUST FOLLOWING YOUR LEAD, CAPTAIN. Jesus Christ guys are annoying. I would have continued to casually date until we thought there was enough there to kick it together, I’m all about the Love and YOLO, even though, I know Heat-nobody says YOLO anymore. Alas, we hugged it out and he rode off on his bad ass Harley as I was singing Pink’s Blow Me One Last Kiss. I will miss his big gun, Wilson (insert dreamy emoji with the heart shaped eyes), it’s too bad I was too prude to really enjoy it.
