A review on the book the prompted me to make June Defensiveness Awareness Month
At the recommendation of my agile coach/mentor at work, I read The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict by The Arbinger Institute. It was an enlightening read, a (fictional) story about a father who was looking to fix the problems in his work and family life, but found peace within after being forced to go through a training camp because of his son’s drug issues.
While the larger story itself came across as a little too perfect and designed, I could easily relate to many of the sub-plots in family life since they described almost perfectly some of the challenges I have had at home, and the work parts also helped me understand a lot of what good leadership looks like.
Heart in Boxes
To summarize, the book describes that while we can’t control what life throws at us, our hearts can meet it either at peace or at war. A heart at war puts us in metaphorical “boxes,” and we use these boxes to frame and justify our stories. For example, when I don’t get what I want from someone I work with, one of the choices I have is to frame them into the reasons why they don’t get me what I want. At this point, I get defensive and basically forget that they are a person with their own perspectives, my heart goes to war and I put myself into one or more boxes. The book names some of the possible boxes — in this instance, I may be in the “better-than” box and/or in the “I-deserve” box, that I know better and they don’t know what they’re doing.
The Anatomy of Peace does a great job through its story to illustrate that when the same thing happens, a heart at peace brings a totally perspective to what happened than a heart at war. A heart at war will work hard to use the boxes to justify the war, and will lure others into war to justify the position even if it’s to the detriment of the goal.
Practical Actions
The book suggests that the way to resolve the conflict is by being at peace, and it suggested practical actions to “help things go right” by going as deeply into the Pyramid of Change as needed:
The practical solution that really stood out for me was that when things are not going well, it’s because we need to dig in one step lower in the pyramid; for example, if I am having trouble building the relationship with someone, I need to take the time to build relationships with others who have influence on the person. It’s important to build the pyramid with a solid foundation in order to resolve conflict.
June is defensiveness awareness month (for me anyways)
What I found most useful about The Anatomy of Peace was that it helped me put names on a lot of common patterns, behaviours, and feelings. After reading the book, I have been feeling very grounded when I notice that others are “in a box” to pick a fight with me. Where I have been struggling is noticing when I am being defensive and being at war. So I’m taking June as “defensiveness awareness month,” and I would invite you to join me to notice:
- When do you become defensive?
- What feelings do you notice, inside?
- What are the words you use to describe others?
Being aware is the first step in “getting out of the box” and taking steps to be at peace.
I really enjoyed The Anatomy of Peace, even though the work has been hard to bring myself to peace internally, the book helped me feel much more in control of my feelings because I feel like I have choices when the unsupportive emotions come up. I have been recommending it to people and friends I love, and I would highly recommend that you pick up a copy from Amazon.
