Self-Care Resolutions for New Year’s or Any Time

It’s almost the end of February and I’m still thinking about my New Year’s resolutions. I love making resolutions (the sweet endorphin rush of thinking about all the wonderful things I’m going to do! The preemptive pride of accomplishment!), but like many of us, I’m shaky on the follow-through. We start January starry-eyed with dreams of self-improvement, of becoming our best skinniest most professionally advanced selves, but by the time Valentine’s Day rolls around we’ve settled back into our carb-wolfing Orange is the New Black-bingeing email-procrastinating lives.

Which, actually, is fine. Our selves don’t need a lot of improvement — almost definitely not as much as we think they do. Sure, we’ve all got our vices, but how much would we really enjoy a life without the occasional glass of wine or basket of French fries or wildly irresponsible shoe purchase? Self-improvement doesn’t necessarily make us happier or more satisfied, nor is it always intended to. When we make resolutions, we’re more likely to be thinking about what will make us look better — more attractive, more impressive, more interesting — to other people (especially our exes’ current girlfriends).

Still, even if you as a person are already pretty great (which you are!), there are ways your life could be closer to what you want. Not from the outside — not according to your high school teacher or your parents or even your therapist — but from the inside. Your life according to you. And that, I think, is what New Year’s resolutions can be good for. Instead of looking at the beginning of the year as a time of obligatory self-improvement, we can look at it as an opportunity to do some self-care. To consider our goals and our dreams and what, when we listen to the small quiet voice of our truest inner Spice Girl, we really, really want.

On New Year’s Day I hung out in my living room with my partner and my best friend and we made lists of things we wanted to do in 2015. My BFF called her list “happinesses” instead of “resolutions,” which I think is correct. These weren’t things we resolved to do because we should or must; they’re things we want to do because they’ll make us happy. My goals for 2015 don’t involve looking sexier or even getting ahead in my career. They have to do with taking better care of myself, doing things that make me feel good and healthy and sane. This is going to be the year I deepen my relationship with myself and my own happiness, and it can be the same for you.

Let’s talk about how to put self-care resolutions into practice.

1. Make resolutions based on how they’ll feel to you, not what other people will think of them. Impressing others by climbing the corporate ladder, having the most magazine-perfect wedding or running a marathon shouldn’t be a priority (although if you’ll get genuine personal satisfaction from those things, add them to the list). If you want to work out five days a week because beating your personal best feels awesome and getting sweaty during the day helps you sleep better at night, go for it. If you want to do it because you think you need to fit into your prom dress again if you’re ever going to get a date, cross that shit off.

2. Face the things that are keeping you from being as happy and fulfilled as you deserve. In 2015, I’m resolving to find a therapist to help me work on my anxiety issues. I’ve tried it before, but when I didn’t like my doctor I procrastinated finding a new one — the upshot of which was that I kept struggling with out-of-control panic and despair every time something I planned went awry. It’s hard to write a book or teach a class when you’re regularly distracted by the urgent need to sob and hyperventilate under a blanket. Do what you can to identify the obstacles to your goals and your joy, whether it’s an untreated mental illness, a toxic relationship, or simply fear, and instead of ignoring them and hoping they go away, make a plan to dismantle them.

3. Ask for help. I’m always slow to reach out, but whenever I do I’m amazed at how enthusiastic most people are to share their expertise or just their empathy. Most people like to help. It makes them feel smart and useful and good about themselves. If you’re trying to figure out how to get to the next level in your career, ask the person who has your dream job. If you’re determined that 2015 is going to be the year you achieve your best hair ever, ask your flawlessly coiffed friend where she gets hers done. Not only will it probably get you closer to where you want to be, it’s also likely to help you bond with the person you ask for help. Everyone likes the idea of being a mentor.

4. Focus on progress, not perfection. This trips me up all the time — the idea that if I miss a day of working out I’m a lazy slob, or if I can’t resist a bite of sushi I’m the world’s worst vegetarian and might as well personally pour battery acid into all the earth’s oceans. The idea of self-care resolutions is not to be perfect at everything, not even self-care. What would you do then — just sit around basking in your enlightenment, eating fresh produce and masturbating? That sounds like a great way to spend a weekend but an awfully boring long-term plan. Don’t give up just because you didn’t do everything you set out to today. Tomorrow’s going to be better.

5. Do it yourself. Whatever you love, find a way to create it instead of just using it. Knit a sweater, write a song, make Thai curry. Even if it’s not professional-grade, the satisfaction of putting something into the world cannot be overrated. Plus, you’ll learn something and become more interesting and well-rounded, which means people will want to make out with you.

6. Build on your past successes. Starting with what you’re already good at, committed to, or passionate about will keep you engaged and working toward your goals. Get creative! Reading is one of my favorite pastimes. This year, to remind myself to be more open-minded and willing to revise my opinions, I’ve resolved to reread a book I didn’t like the first time. Use your skills to address your weaknesses.

7. Self-care includes caring for others. I know I feel happier when I stay in touch with friends, but I often get wrapped up in the constant litany of Things I Have To Do To Be A Grownup and drop the ball on connecting with the people I love. Some of my resolutions this year involve writing letters, making homemade gifts, and setting aside time for a long phone call. On the flip side, setting personal boundaries is also a crucial step toward your best possible life. I’m resolving to say “no” when I want to, even if it offends or inconveniences someone. I’ve already had to put it into practice once or twice. Giving your time and energy to relationships that sustain you and not ones that drain you. It isn’t just a fun mnemonic rhyme — it’s a vital survival skill.

8. Treat yourself. Not everything has to have a long-term goal. Set at least one resolution that will do absolutely nothing but bring you joy. Get a pedicure, eat an amazing meal, reread your favorite book, or spend a weekend camping in the mountains — whatever soothes your soul. Think of yourself not as a problem child who needs to be taught to behave, but as a beloved friend who you want to make happy. Your relationship with yourself is the one that will get you through whatever 2015 throws your way, so take some time to demonstrate your affection for, and commitment to, the person in your life who matters most. You won’t regret it.