Death stalks me.
Darkness surrounds me.
Sin burdens me;
Inside I wilt;
Down into the shades;
Of a dithering soul;
In this life;
I cannot prosper;
In this dream;
I cannot recover;
For what I have done;
Will haunt me forever;
For what I have done;
I will pay for;
In this life;
And those forever after;
Shades of grey darken;
My senses distance;
As I fall into Lethargy;
Hoping to wake up ;
In a better place;
the better place is always so far;
so my mistakes will stay;
i can’t stop my ways;
so i might be mental;
i need to be locked up;
but i keep running;
the darkness is covering me again;
A brightlight awakens me;
Inside of my dream;
Darkness is no longer an element
But beauty is all around me
Symbolising my ego’s desire
Crushings the animalistic
Instincts of the id
crushing what ive grown to love
out to get me
yet again;
it follows me and i agree
i let it control me
it gets it’s way;
leaving me in trouble
leaving me to vouch for it
and i do and i run
hiding it so it doesn’t
get to anyone else.
Get others it always will.
Safety is relative in a world of danger,
And protection exists only as I do.
In Dreams we prosper and live.
And in that waking dream,
Of life without death,
Though death surrounds us,
We unite.
Unions break.
Death breaks life.
The souls’ union torn assunder.
Destruction raises safety.
Death builds,
Breaking our unions.
Yet destruction raises our security.
War makes death;
Death makes safety.
The World spins through death.
My life is death.
My life is safety.
With life I destroy.
Through destruction,
I protect.
Protection ends at death.
Destruction of protection raises safety;
Caused by death,
Life ends.
My Union is broken.
It’s a cycle
re-birth, re-death.
Most people don’t know that.
And that spiral is my World.
My haven.
There is a security in death
That can be found nowhere else.
But Death is not for the living.
The security of Death evades us.
Death in life is fleeting,
Passes us by in instants.
Though Death is everywhere.
Death is life,
Because life ends in Death.
Security in this one constant.
Life ends in Death.
Why?
Death does not end in Life,
Does it?
Why must Life end with Death.
An entirely unfair premise.
One I should change.
Change is what keeps the universe constant.
Change is Death.
Without Change,
There would be no more Life.
Change is Death,
Death is derived from Life.
If there were no more Life,
due to constant Death.
Death being Change,
Change being the only constant.
Life is not a constant.
Life must run out.
Life ends in Change,
When all Life is gone,
Change will leave.
Change will leave.
When Change departs
The universe will no longer be constant.
The universe will Change.
With constant Change;
All Life to Death,
The universe with Change.
The universe will die.
Change will ruin us.
Unions Change.
They break and thusly Change.
Some are created.
Are they created from Change though?
Unions created from change;
Life created from Un-life?
Life becomes a constant.
Life Changed.
Change is Death.
Life ends in Death.
Life has Changed,
And thusly died.
Why accept the ways of nature,
Because you are human,
you learn from the teacher,
Death is only a gentle transformation,
It is the control alt delete feature,
Simply logon man,
Enjoy what you can,
till your time comes to,
follow strings to another dimension,
Meet joyous brooks and hills and,
tell them what you can,
Because you are human,
be part of the cosmic game,
I spiral into the abyss;
Allowing these thoughts of death;
Haunt my mind;
No logical defination;
Can take away my remorse;
But inspire me to do good;
But its no use;
I only ever hurt people;
Consciously clean;
Unconscious tainted;
My mind obscene;
No alternative;
Driven by rage;
A rage I do not posess;
However it is there;
Repressed emotions;
Erupting from the provokative;
Volcano of impurity;
Inside of my mind;
Thus the only way to protect people;
Is not through my maternal blanket of cherish;
But through the avoidance of me;
I shall change, I shall perish;
Life is only through death;
My death is safety;
To all those I love;
Come ante meridiem;
I leave the decision up to fate;
Up to the authorities;
Up to them;
I know i can avoid the werthers fate
escape the approaching reaper at any rate
unleash the soul and remove the sinful arrows
let it fly as virgin sparrows
on the wings of time i wait
soon will it be time to destroy and create
Hearing the footsteps of the reaper i stay calm
no where to hide nowhere to run
all the wounds i carried lifelong need no balm
while the world goes on under the sun
i submit my soul by my outstreched palms
while the reaper is puzzled by the fun
He locked his eyes and is in a gaze
he wonders at my dismall pall
my plight with withering worsening maze
he doubts if my time is up atall
he checks with the office of upstaiz
you called him too early for his fall
he needs to toil still through multipe page
With disappointment in his cold eyes
the reaper offers his goodbyes
I wake up to the morning skies
I am alive but i feel the same cries
i wonder how i will explain the goodbyes
The sky seemed brighter and bold
sun smiled drenching earths soul
rain scattered like shower of gold
friends were a little old
but let him back in the mold
Death the only certainty;
Determination the misunderstand;
When we die is the question;
We have a choice of free will;
There is no determinism;
Before it is our time to go;
We have a choice to end it early;
And I have the choice to end it now;
Death being the only certainty;
Death being my only escape;
Death being my only friend;
The Shades of a dithering soul;
The way of a withering ego;
The gun adjacent to me;
Is looking a little friendly;
As it moves closer to the temple;
As I pull the trigger;
Shaking, still alive, struck by confusion;
The gun did not fire;
It is true what they say;
The bullet never lies;
I drop the gun;
As I fall to the ground;
Questioning myself;
Why?;
Why did it not fire?;
Why am I still alive?;
Death the only certainty?;
Death my own choice?;
A pack of lies;
Free will is but an illusion;
It will end, when it has too;
For now, I shall mourn;
Mourn for my sins;
Walking down the bars and barn
i run into friends who don;t give a darn
so foolishly drenched in futile pursuits
they weave stories to ears that are mute
the preacher parrots songs of sin
while i go ahead for another gin
and another gin
no kith and kin to ponder
no earthly fairies to wonder
no cash no cow
i walk away to another shire
with no wish to live or desire
A shining light yells before me
Blinding me, fallking to my knees
Shielding my eyes
Thoughts of an incoming viehcle
Yet there is no movement
I head into the direction
The path to the light is endless
Irrational thoughts of death
Bestow me
I still walk into the light
But there is nowhere to go
Drowned in my own gin
I just collaspe on the path
Where I shall wake up
Will be news to me
So engulfed in thoughts i pass
through the chapter of my life
my eyes open like to shut
drowning in the echoes of past
in dream i gently wake
lying besides my beloved lass
moon shining on the heavenly grass
her gentle breaths give life to my dithering soul
Her existance once again fades
As I return to reality
Sunlight embraces me
Feeling the consequences
Of another foolish action
Hung over I pick myself up
Staggering to my left
Above me a the lark sings
On a branch high above me
Its beautiful song echoes
Inside of my head
With an amplified volume
Yet I am not putting my hands over ears
To drain out the sound to keep my head
From achine anymore
This song restores me
Shall the lark awaken me from such a nightmare
Upon its joyful singing
I engage into thinking
How can something
Come out of the dark
Singing such a beautiful song
With such pure innocence
Within each note
Reminds me once again
Of my lover
However it does not make me feel sad
But comforts me, allowing me to focus
And think rationally
We all fall into the dark
We all mourn for something
For sin or for pain
But we shall come out of
The darkness singing
With joy
This is another morning
That shall not be spent mourning
I shall join the lark
And move on from the darkness
As what has been done
Has been done and cannot be undone
I shall live on
But why do I live?
What is my purpose?
My soul darkens further and further,
Burdened by my sins.
My true love brightens it up with hope;
But breaks my heart into pieces.
Hope?
What is hope?
It is the mindless
manotony of sitting
endlessly and waiting
for the answers to come
to me. I do not want hope!
And yet, my soul yearns for it;
The one thing that helps it heal;
The one thing that brightens it;
The one thing to prevent it to dither.
I ask the question to the placid lakes
I ask the potter that breaks and remakes
I search it in the ground that shakes
I search it in screeching brakes
I search. and search till dawn breaks
I search it in the morning glory
i search it in every ones story
i search it in defeat and glory
I search it in the childs eye
My efforts lead me to Google as I try
I fall into endless romance as I cry
i can’t find the balm to my pains the more I try
How can i live on?
What is my purpose in life?
I search and search,
to find the meaning.
What does life mean?
What is my destiny?
Can people choose their own paths?
These questions tear at my mind, tearing at my dithering soul.
Why birds and prey dont show any doubt
why women stay muddled in parties and clout
why men always are ready to get in a bout
why day and night go in and out
no rhthym no rhyme
Around me lies the broken bones of my dreams,
Lost,
Abandoned,
Whilst a decade of frozen tears mill around my mouth,
I wonder at this darkness,
I wander at this darkness,
I fear,
And so,
Am forgotten.
My mind being whittled away,
The questions consuming,
The guilt always there.
My soul is being swallowed up,
By the darkness,
The pitch black darkness.
And so I step into this velvet void,
Enveloped in this darksome night,
Naked bones crunch underfoot,
And,
I find you,
I see you,
Then,
I know.
Nothing is important to my soul,
Nothing but you.
The only thing which can pull me away;
From the darkness,
Back into the glaring light.
The darkness is swallowed by your beautiful soul
your gentle heart beats bring us close
the darkness hides in a corner
upon the arrival of your beautiful face
i shall seek no more reason to exist
as your love provides me the yeast to persist
we shall sail the winds and tides
together in the etheral soup
you are my sail and the glow of my life
you pulled me from abyss again and again
we must turn this melancholy to happiness and bliss
I know you are there somewhere
with these thoughts i will linger till our next kiss
I began to see why the birds sing
when you are around
Your soft speak drowns with the flutter of their wings
when you are around
Your heart pumps the eternal spring
when you are around
Your soul my soul are one thing
when you are around
My doubts disappear no more differentiating
when you are around
i feel the cringe
when you are not around
my dithering soul is pure but shivering
when you are not around
I loose my faith despite a shallow covering
when you are not around
My random dance with death again starts showing
when you are not around
when you are not around i loose the ground
where are thou
playing hide and seek
lets dance the divine tango
leave doubt and taste the mango
I look upon that black;
That object ready to kill;
The thing that I had pointed;
And yet wouldn’t spill.
The gun wouldn’t shoot,
The gunpowder refusing to ignite;
My life will continue on,
But not without a fight.
You are in my every frame
as i stare down the barrel
my quivering fingers agree with the pride and shame
as i stare down the barrel
your relentless belief in me what makes me tame
as i stare down the barrel
i hope this is not a game
as i stare down the barrel
you remind me of the unkept promises i made to a dame
as i stare down the barrel
I lower the barrel away from our frame
as joy returns to your face as parched earth recieves rain.
But that is just a photograph;
A memory;
Your face does not truly change;
You have been dead for long;
And as you wither away in your grave;
My soul;
My body;
My spirit;
My mind;
They decay as well.
Oh how i feel the gods of time cannot deny what is mine
you are gone but your sun still shines
my thirsty soul drinks from the rivers in thy ravine
you are gone but the sun still shines
my ravaged body still senses thy presence o Divine
you are gone but the sun still shines
my spirit still not divorced even though cruel world opines
you are gone but the sun still shines
my mind they say shows cracks and stress even though it is fine
you are gone but the sun still shines
your transcendental beauty is my wine
you are gone but the sun still shines
everywhere is decay but the rose you gave me is still mine
My soul is dying;
There is no other way;
To repent my sins.
Forever I will burn in Hell;
No way to reach for the sky.
I feel helpless like a clock with arms but no legs
I feel restless like a fly with no direction
I feel full of revenge with no enemy
I feel lonely with no connection
I feel empty like countless pits in barren landscape
I feel thirsty like a gazelle in African location
I feel like a traveller with train having left the station
I feel short amongst the NCAA occasion
I become numb without anaesthetic injection
I am dumb without your presence and affection
I wander aimlessly with no purpose or direction
why dont you appear and become my mission.
I look back at my past;
The things I wish I could forget.
I can’t ever lie in peace;
Ever do I wonder;
Can I be at peace even unto death?
I know i can get piece of peace
only if your memory fades
with vanishing phantoms of your million shades
only if your memory fades
with tears evaporating from my melting facades
only if your memory fades
with growing apathy and mounting decades
only if your memory fades
with dithering soul amongst the ashes and grassy blades.
What can I do to redeem my;
Soul that is falling into darkness?
If I were to go into death’s embrace;
To meet you again.
Just to see you again;
I would suffer enternal agony.
Just to see you again.
I need eyes by which i can see thee
I need mind that can differentiate you in the sea
I need heart that can hold your thought even though you are free
Your thoughts impinj my shattered mind
Your images i search but cannot find
Your words bounce around and keep my universe bound
not for long till it gets untwined
My saphire eyes;
Stare out into the open;
The meadow that taunts;
For me to come.
But alas;
I am trapped in this cage;
This cage;
Of my memories.
I feel like a bird;
Trapped in that cage;
My own soul.
I stretch my wings for;
The freedom that never comes.
Swallowed whole;
By my dithering soul.
I shall stop looking for you from now on
and begin the journey of discovering who i am
I am sure i can fight with phantoms of the past
I am sure i can fight death and live atlast
You go on to another home
and linger at some cold stone
I shall stop looking for you from now on
I shall celebrate the seasons and seasonings
I shall give and give up taking
You drove me to death and pulled me out of abyss too
You were the problem and solution too
My mind still goes back to that day;
The day I stood next to you;
Knife in hand.
I still remember that day you left me;
Because of that crimson knife.
You left the earthly realm;
Because of me.
My life is now in shambles.
No more tears will be shed
The fears distant and ghosts sped
No thorns instead roses spread
I will pick up the shambles and dare not gamble
My soul serves a master noble
No more dithering the rock steady soul
I face the new day with confidence;
My heart beating steadily.
I walk into the daylight;
That which I haven’t admired;
Ever since your death.
At this though;
I fall down to my knees again;
Memories flooding back.
Now strangers on the street look familar
I only see hearts floating around
I search for cold heart but find all filled with blood
They laugh at my appearance as i disappear
In the sea of blood and guts
Streets start flooding with memories galore
hearts start sinking to the floor
I want to swim but i drown amongst the
dithered souls

