rakesh sethi
Aug 22, 2017 · 12 min read

Death stalks me.

Darkness surrounds me.

Sin burdens me;

Inside I wilt;

Down into the shades;

Of a dithering soul;

In this life;

I cannot prosper;

In this dream;

I cannot recover;

For what I have done;

Will haunt me forever;

For what I have done;

I will pay for;

In this life;

And those forever after;

Shades of grey darken;

My senses distance;

As I fall into Lethargy;

Hoping to wake up ;

In a better place;

the better place is always so far;

so my mistakes will stay;

i can’t stop my ways;

so i might be mental;

i need to be locked up;

but i keep running;

the darkness is covering me again;

A brightlight awakens me;

Inside of my dream;

Darkness is no longer an element

But beauty is all around me

Symbolising my ego’s desire

Crushings the animalistic

Instincts of the id

crushing what ive grown to love

out to get me

yet again;

it follows me and i agree

i let it control me

it gets it’s way;

leaving me in trouble

leaving me to vouch for it

and i do and i run

hiding it so it doesn’t

get to anyone else.

Get others it always will.

Safety is relative in a world of danger,

And protection exists only as I do.

In Dreams we prosper and live.

And in that waking dream,

Of life without death,

Though death surrounds us,

We unite.

Unions break.

Death breaks life.

The souls’ union torn assunder.

Destruction raises safety.

Death builds,

Breaking our unions.

Yet destruction raises our security.

War makes death;

Death makes safety.

The World spins through death.

My life is death.

My life is safety.

With life I destroy.

Through destruction,

I protect.

Protection ends at death.

Destruction of protection raises safety;

Caused by death,

Life ends.

My Union is broken.

It’s a cycle

re-birth, re-death.

Most people don’t know that.

And that spiral is my World.

My haven.

There is a security in death

That can be found nowhere else.

But Death is not for the living.

The security of Death evades us.

Death in life is fleeting,

Passes us by in instants.

Though Death is everywhere.

Death is life,

Because life ends in Death.

Security in this one constant.

Life ends in Death.

Why?

Death does not end in Life,

Does it?

Why must Life end with Death.

An entirely unfair premise.

One I should change.

Change is what keeps the universe constant.

Change is Death.

Without Change,

There would be no more Life.

Change is Death,

Death is derived from Life.

If there were no more Life,

due to constant Death.

Death being Change,

Change being the only constant.

Life is not a constant.

Life must run out.

Life ends in Change,

When all Life is gone,

Change will leave.

Change will leave.

When Change departs

The universe will no longer be constant.

The universe will Change.

With constant Change;

All Life to Death,

The universe with Change.

The universe will die.

Change will ruin us.

Unions Change.

They break and thusly Change.

Some are created.

Are they created from Change though?

Unions created from change;

Life created from Un-life?

Life becomes a constant.

Life Changed.

Change is Death.

Life ends in Death.

Life has Changed,

And thusly died.

Why accept the ways of nature,

Because you are human,

you learn from the teacher,

Death is only a gentle transformation,

It is the control alt delete feature,

Simply logon man,

Enjoy what you can,

till your time comes to,

follow strings to another dimension,

Meet joyous brooks and hills and,

tell them what you can,

Because you are human,

be part of the cosmic game,

I spiral into the abyss;

Allowing these thoughts of death;

Haunt my mind;

No logical defination;

Can take away my remorse;

But inspire me to do good;

But its no use;

I only ever hurt people;

Consciously clean;

Unconscious tainted;

My mind obscene;

No alternative;

Driven by rage;

A rage I do not posess;

However it is there;

Repressed emotions;

Erupting from the provokative;

Volcano of impurity;

Inside of my mind;

Thus the only way to protect people;

Is not through my maternal blanket of cherish;

But through the avoidance of me;

I shall change, I shall perish;

Life is only through death;

My death is safety;

To all those I love;

Come ante meridiem;

I leave the decision up to fate;

Up to the authorities;

Up to them;

I know i can avoid the werthers fate

escape the approaching reaper at any rate

unleash the soul and remove the sinful arrows

let it fly as virgin sparrows

on the wings of time i wait

soon will it be time to destroy and create

Hearing the footsteps of the reaper i stay calm

no where to hide nowhere to run

all the wounds i carried lifelong need no balm

while the world goes on under the sun

i submit my soul by my outstreched palms

while the reaper is puzzled by the fun

He locked his eyes and is in a gaze

he wonders at my dismall pall

my plight with withering worsening maze

he doubts if my time is up atall

he checks with the office of upstaiz

you called him too early for his fall

he needs to toil still through multipe page

With disappointment in his cold eyes

the reaper offers his goodbyes

I wake up to the morning skies

I am alive but i feel the same cries

i wonder how i will explain the goodbyes

The sky seemed brighter and bold

sun smiled drenching earths soul

rain scattered like shower of gold

friends were a little old

but let him back in the mold

Death the only certainty;

Determination the misunderstand;

When we die is the question;

We have a choice of free will;

There is no determinism;

Before it is our time to go;

We have a choice to end it early;

And I have the choice to end it now;

Death being the only certainty;

Death being my only escape;

Death being my only friend;

The Shades of a dithering soul;

The way of a withering ego;

The gun adjacent to me;

Is looking a little friendly;

As it moves closer to the temple;

As I pull the trigger;

Shaking, still alive, struck by confusion;

The gun did not fire;

It is true what they say;

The bullet never lies;

I drop the gun;

As I fall to the ground;

Questioning myself;

Why?;

Why did it not fire?;

Why am I still alive?;

Death the only certainty?;

Death my own choice?;

A pack of lies;

Free will is but an illusion;

It will end, when it has too;

For now, I shall mourn;

Mourn for my sins;

Walking down the bars and barn

i run into friends who don;t give a darn

so foolishly drenched in futile pursuits

they weave stories to ears that are mute

the preacher parrots songs of sin

while i go ahead for another gin

and another gin

no kith and kin to ponder

no earthly fairies to wonder

no cash no cow

i walk away to another shire

with no wish to live or desire

A shining light yells before me

Blinding me, fallking to my knees

Shielding my eyes

Thoughts of an incoming viehcle

Yet there is no movement

I head into the direction

The path to the light is endless

Irrational thoughts of death

Bestow me

I still walk into the light

But there is nowhere to go

Drowned in my own gin

I just collaspe on the path

Where I shall wake up

Will be news to me

So engulfed in thoughts i pass

through the chapter of my life

my eyes open like to shut

drowning in the echoes of past

in dream i gently wake

lying besides my beloved lass

moon shining on the heavenly grass

her gentle breaths give life to my dithering soul

Her existance once again fades

As I return to reality

Sunlight embraces me

Feeling the consequences

Of another foolish action

Hung over I pick myself up

Staggering to my left

Above me a the lark sings

On a branch high above me

Its beautiful song echoes

Inside of my head

With an amplified volume

Yet I am not putting my hands over ears

To drain out the sound to keep my head

From achine anymore

This song restores me

Shall the lark awaken me from such a nightmare

Upon its joyful singing

I engage into thinking

How can something

Come out of the dark

Singing such a beautiful song

With such pure innocence

Within each note

Reminds me once again

Of my lover

However it does not make me feel sad

But comforts me, allowing me to focus

And think rationally

We all fall into the dark

We all mourn for something

For sin or for pain

But we shall come out of

The darkness singing

With joy

This is another morning

That shall not be spent mourning

I shall join the lark

And move on from the darkness

As what has been done

Has been done and cannot be undone

I shall live on

But why do I live?

What is my purpose?

My soul darkens further and further,

Burdened by my sins.

My true love brightens it up with hope;

But breaks my heart into pieces.

Hope?

What is hope?

It is the mindless

manotony of sitting

endlessly and waiting

for the answers to come

to me. I do not want hope!

And yet, my soul yearns for it;

The one thing that helps it heal;

The one thing that brightens it;

The one thing to prevent it to dither.

I ask the question to the placid lakes

I ask the potter that breaks and remakes

I search it in the ground that shakes

I search it in screeching brakes

I search. and search till dawn breaks

I search it in the morning glory

i search it in every ones story

i search it in defeat and glory

I search it in the childs eye

My efforts lead me to Google as I try

I fall into endless romance as I cry

i can’t find the balm to my pains the more I try

How can i live on?

What is my purpose in life?

I search and search,

to find the meaning.

What does life mean?

What is my destiny?

Can people choose their own paths?

These questions tear at my mind, tearing at my dithering soul.

Why birds and prey dont show any doubt

why women stay muddled in parties and clout

why men always are ready to get in a bout

why day and night go in and out

no rhthym no rhyme

Around me lies the broken bones of my dreams,

Lost,

Abandoned,

Whilst a decade of frozen tears mill around my mouth,

I wonder at this darkness,

I wander at this darkness,

I fear,

And so,

Am forgotten.

My mind being whittled away,

The questions consuming,

The guilt always there.

My soul is being swallowed up,

By the darkness,

The pitch black darkness.

And so I step into this velvet void,

Enveloped in this darksome night,

Naked bones crunch underfoot,

And,

I find you,

I see you,

Then,

I know.

Nothing is important to my soul,

Nothing but you.

The only thing which can pull me away;

From the darkness,

Back into the glaring light.

The darkness is swallowed by your beautiful soul

your gentle heart beats bring us close

the darkness hides in a corner

upon the arrival of your beautiful face

i shall seek no more reason to exist

as your love provides me the yeast to persist

we shall sail the winds and tides

together in the etheral soup

you are my sail and the glow of my life

you pulled me from abyss again and again

we must turn this melancholy to happiness and bliss

I know you are there somewhere

with these thoughts i will linger till our next kiss

I began to see why the birds sing

when you are around

Your soft speak drowns with the flutter of their wings

when you are around

Your heart pumps the eternal spring

when you are around

Your soul my soul are one thing

when you are around

My doubts disappear no more differentiating

when you are around

i feel the cringe

when you are not around

my dithering soul is pure but shivering

when you are not around

I loose my faith despite a shallow covering

when you are not around

My random dance with death again starts showing

when you are not around

when you are not around i loose the ground

where are thou

playing hide and seek

lets dance the divine tango

leave doubt and taste the mango

I look upon that black;

That object ready to kill;

The thing that I had pointed;

And yet wouldn’t spill.

The gun wouldn’t shoot,

The gunpowder refusing to ignite;

My life will continue on,

But not without a fight.

You are in my every frame

as i stare down the barrel

my quivering fingers agree with the pride and shame

as i stare down the barrel

your relentless belief in me what makes me tame

as i stare down the barrel

i hope this is not a game

as i stare down the barrel

you remind me of the unkept promises i made to a dame

as i stare down the barrel

I lower the barrel away from our frame

as joy returns to your face as parched earth recieves rain.

But that is just a photograph;

A memory;

Your face does not truly change;

You have been dead for long;

And as you wither away in your grave;

My soul;

My body;

My spirit;

My mind;

They decay as well.

Oh how i feel the gods of time cannot deny what is mine

you are gone but your sun still shines

my thirsty soul drinks from the rivers in thy ravine

you are gone but the sun still shines

my ravaged body still senses thy presence o Divine

you are gone but the sun still shines

my spirit still not divorced even though cruel world opines

you are gone but the sun still shines

my mind they say shows cracks and stress even though it is fine

you are gone but the sun still shines

your transcendental beauty is my wine

you are gone but the sun still shines

everywhere is decay but the rose you gave me is still mine

My soul is dying;

There is no other way;

To repent my sins.

Forever I will burn in Hell;

No way to reach for the sky.

I feel helpless like a clock with arms but no legs

I feel restless like a fly with no direction

I feel full of revenge with no enemy

I feel lonely with no connection

I feel empty like countless pits in barren landscape

I feel thirsty like a gazelle in African location

I feel like a traveller with train having left the station

I feel short amongst the NCAA occasion

I become numb without anaesthetic injection

I am dumb without your presence and affection

I wander aimlessly with no purpose or direction

why dont you appear and become my mission.

I look back at my past;

The things I wish I could forget.

I can’t ever lie in peace;

Ever do I wonder;

Can I be at peace even unto death?

I know i can get piece of peace

only if your memory fades

with vanishing phantoms of your million shades

only if your memory fades

with tears evaporating from my melting facades

only if your memory fades

with growing apathy and mounting decades

only if your memory fades

with dithering soul amongst the ashes and grassy blades.

What can I do to redeem my;

Soul that is falling into darkness?

If I were to go into death’s embrace;

To meet you again.

Just to see you again;

I would suffer enternal agony.

Just to see you again.

I need eyes by which i can see thee

I need mind that can differentiate you in the sea

I need heart that can hold your thought even though you are free

Your thoughts impinj my shattered mind

Your images i search but cannot find

Your words bounce around and keep my universe bound

not for long till it gets untwined

My saphire eyes;

Stare out into the open;

The meadow that taunts;

For me to come.

But alas;

I am trapped in this cage;

This cage;

Of my memories.

I feel like a bird;

Trapped in that cage;

My own soul.

I stretch my wings for;

The freedom that never comes.

Swallowed whole;

By my dithering soul.

I shall stop looking for you from now on

and begin the journey of discovering who i am

I am sure i can fight with phantoms of the past

I am sure i can fight death and live atlast

You go on to another home

and linger at some cold stone

I shall stop looking for you from now on

I shall celebrate the seasons and seasonings

I shall give and give up taking

You drove me to death and pulled me out of abyss too

You were the problem and solution too

My mind still goes back to that day;

The day I stood next to you;

Knife in hand.

I still remember that day you left me;

Because of that crimson knife.

You left the earthly realm;

Because of me.

My life is now in shambles.

No more tears will be shed

The fears distant and ghosts sped

No thorns instead roses spread

I will pick up the shambles and dare not gamble

My soul serves a master noble

No more dithering the rock steady soul

I face the new day with confidence;

My heart beating steadily.

I walk into the daylight;

That which I haven’t admired;

Ever since your death.

At this though;

I fall down to my knees again;

Memories flooding back.

Now strangers on the street look familar

I only see hearts floating around

I search for cold heart but find all filled with blood

They laugh at my appearance as i disappear

In the sea of blood and guts

Streets start flooding with memories galore

hearts start sinking to the floor

I want to swim but i drown amongst the

dithered souls

)
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