Aziz Ansari & The Road Many Men Have Traveled
The rap line, “I hate it had to be him” comes to mind. Him being Aziz Ansari, an actor who has garnered praise for his acting, comedy and writing talents. Aziz has become a champion for many people of color who have dreams of breaking through invisible barriers strategically placed not only in Hollywood but the world as well.
So yes, it came as a surprise to see his name trending on Twitter. I was hoping for an update on his hit Netflix show “Master of None” but to my disappointment as well as thousands of others Aziz had been accused in great detail of sexual misconduct. An article written by Katie Way published on Babe.net took Twitter by storm on the eve of the Golden Globe awards in which the newly minted “#MeToo” movement was center stage. A movement speaking out against the widespread prevalence of sexual assault and harassment.
We know the names of the men who stand accused and we’ve read the harrowing accounts by the women who have had to endure these assaults on their bodies and minds.
So yes, it came as a shock to see Aziz Ansari trending for what we know to be a monstrous act.
The woman accusing Aziz Ansari, named Grace according to Way’s article asked Aziz to slow down, pulled away, mumbled and gave non-verbal cues in hopes that he would understand that she was not interested in having sex with him.
Then came the article “The Humiliation of Aziz Ansari” by Caitlin Flanagan. Flanagan finds fault in Grace for several reasons. From Grace pursuing a seemingly uninterested Aziz to drinking alcohol while on their date, being alone with him in his apartment and even performing oral sex on him.
It would appear as though a line has been drawn. Sides have been chosen as to if what Aziz had been accused of was sexual assault or a breakdown in communication leading to a bad date.
I wondered if I had ever caused a woman to reflect upon our time together and believe herself to have cause to also say “Me Too”.
Have I missed non-verbal cues? Have I coerced women into sex? Have I used my position as a man to create an environment in which women may have been afraid to say no.
I remember distinctly meeting a woman online. We connected by mutually liking one another’s profile and soon began chatting. We talked for a few hours, then I remarked it was late. The conversation shifted to where we lived. After telling her what apartment complex I lived in we discovered she lived less than a 10-minute drive from me.
I sent a message saying she could come over; half-jokingly…and half hopeful. She said it was late and cold outside. I did not mention it again. We continued messaging one another and a few minutes later she sent a message asking where the guest parking at my apartment complex was located.
This threw me for a loop. She had said no to coming over, which made sense. We didn’t know one another, it was late and I was asking her to come to my home. Yet even after declining to come over..she had.
I went downstairs to meet her, we hugged and went back upstairs to my apartment. I gave her a brief tour, it was a loft with one dividing wall so there was not much to see. We settled onto the couch and she asked if we could watch Vampire Diaries
I had never seen the show and thought she picked the show for a reason. A few minutes into the episode the characters were kissing, touching one another and having sex.
I found us moving closer to each other on the couch. The space between us was shrinking and we were finally close enough to feel the warmth radiating from one another’s body. My hands found her thighs, as I began to rub them, she began to caress my head pulling me towards her neck which I happily kissed.
As my hands traveled from her hips to her waist and up to her chest she slowly began to push away.
I was not sure if it was to reposition her body for me to get on top of her or to gain distance from my hands which were now under her shirt and bra.
The sound of the TV was no longer drowned out by her moans. She was silent.
Her hands were no longer caressing my head. She was sitting very still.
I pulled back as she had done and we sat there, neither one of us speaking, watching Vampire Diaries in silence.
As the episode came to an end I asked if she was okay. She replied that she was and that she had not expected us to move so fast.
I thought to myself that all the non-verbal cues that she wanted to have sex were there. If I were looking for green lights they had been present; we had messaged one another a dirty comment or two, it was late in the evening, she had come over to my place even after stating it was cold and late.
Maybe I had overlooked something, or maybe in that moment, she felt uncomfortable with me or perhaps her own decision.
None of that mattered; the “why” was not important. I understood that at the same moment she had decided she did not want to continue, I had become a threat. I, who had just a moment ago felt her body in a consensual act of passion and intimacy. I who she did not know. I who sat alone with her in my apartment. I who outweighed her by a hundred pounds.
I myself have been in an uncomfortable situations, yet have never experienced the fear of having my body violated or taken without my permission.
The idea of coercion or steadily pestering women into sex was and still is foreign to me. Yet, I can clearly see that my position that evening was one of power. An anticipation of sex met with hesitation. Two people with very different wants. Two people sharing a moment. Mine now one of bewilderment; and hers one of unease.
I can only wonder if Aziz’s moment was one of anticipation met with hesitation. A moment in which he did not wish to recognize Grace’s non-verbal cues. A moment in which Grace met his persistence with compliance. Had her “let’s slow down” been taken as “not at this moment, but soon” or had his desires overshadowed and drowned out her silent pleas.
Where do we place a man such as Aziz? Is he to walk the same scorned road as men like Harvey Weinstein or was his lack of empathy a sign that there is more to this #MeToo discussion than previously thought?
