The Mindset of Insecurity

A cloud of madness that clogs your mind and emotion, and refuses to let you feel anything else.

When I say I feel insecure, that means I’m experiencing a multitude of varying emotions, all coming together to form one dangerous cocktail of anxiety. I feel vulnerable. Guilty. Ashamed. Disgusted. Anxious. Helpless. Angry. Scared.

I’m laying on my bed in my bra and my underwear, looking at my body, and wishing I could jump out of my skin and run away from it. It’s not that I’m terribly overweight, I know that I’m not. The doctor told me so! … But you have to understand that even though there’s a whole “body positive” movement going on right now, that movement is still forcing us all to think of our bodies as something that they’re not. Objects. It’s still causing us to stare at our thighs, arms and stomachs and analyze whether or not we can accept them as beautiful.

And lets face it. Society will ALWAYS have a definition of what is beautiful, and what is not. It doesn’t matter how many articles, Instagram’s or celebrity interviews they come out with about re-defining feminine beauty standards. Women will always be judged and objectified. Men will be too, and I acknowledge that, but as women we’re not only objectified but a lot of us are practically trained to be afraid of men. Afraid of what someone might do to us. Even as I walk to my car after class or work, in broad daylight, I still keep my car key between my fingers. It’s become a habit. A habit brought about by past experiences, stories and general fears. I hate the fact that every time a guy walks past me, I’m wondering what he’s thinking about me, or what he might try to do to me.

Insecurity is powerful in that it also brings about feelings of guilt. I feel guilty for being part of that stereotype that all girls are self conscious of their bodies. But I am, and it’s fucking powerful as hell. I would LOVE to be able to be like “you know what, I AM beautiful!” I would LOVE for those words to change everything… but they don’t. I try saying that to myself in the mirror every day and believing it, but insecurity is a territorial beast. If it senses you escaping its grasp, it soon hunts you down again with such ferocity that it cripples you into staying even longer in its presence the next time around.

I don’t know if I’ll ever feel totally comfortable in my skin. I have a feeling that I’ll always be painfully aware of every fold my skin forms as I sit down or cross my legs. Of every stretch mark brought about by weight fluctuations from bingeing and starving. Even as I lay here, totally alone, I’m hyper-focused on how thick my leg looks and feels as it lays folded up and leaning against the wall. I can continue writing, but I can feel about 60% of my concentration is on my thigh. This is not an exaggeration. If I were to be having a conversation right now, I would not be able to focus very well on it. The content would remain very surface level unless I moved my leg to a position that felt more attractive. I.e. a position where I can’t feel those fucking “fat folds”.

This is what insecurity is really like. For me, at least, and I assume for many other women out there as well. Frankly, it’s exhausting.

I know for me, I tend to feel less anxious about my appearance when I dress nicely and put on red lipstick and winged eyeliner. Some people have called this “vain” or “too much”. But it’s something that I do for myself. Dressing up a bit acts a sort of buffer between that monster and my mood. I definitely still worry and wonder what other people think of me, but I’m able to slow it down a bit if I’m feeling good about my appearance.

So, I’ll leave it with this. If you’re a guy or gal that likes to poke fun at peoples appearances, remember that Insecurity is an internal demon. He/She might laugh it off, but goddamn, even the smallest negative comment or joke could send their monster into a frenzy. Be careful with your words. Be careful with your thoughts as well. In the words of Ghandi… “A man is but a product of his thoughts…what he thinks, he becomes.”