Paul Ryan privatizes Medicare, Santa Claus

Santa shares his discontent with Speaker Paul Ryan. Rudolph and Prancer were later involved.

Medicare has some competition on Paul Ryan’s naughty list this year. In a press conference yesterday, the Speaker of the House announced his plans to privatize “a white bearded communist” that travels down chimneys around Christmas time.

“No one should get free handouts just because it’s Christmas,” Ryan said of his Grinch-like plans. “Gifts from Santa, like health care from Medicare, should be given only to those who can pay for it.”

Ryan didn’t specify his reasons for the privatized vendetta against both Medicare and Santa, but the two men’s muddy history was clarified by a North Pole spokes-elf who said, “He [Speaker Ryan] has received coal in his stocking ever since he told Santa to ‘get a real job.’”

“My wife and I are both on Medicare!” Santa yelled as he flew over Capitol Hill today. “This is revenge from Paul — I won’t be able to afford my insulin prescription anymore!”

Unfortunately for ol’ Kris Kringle, Ryan’s proposal would replace Santa with Amazon Prime’s new drone package delivery system. As for The Naughty or Nice List? It will be based on new metrics like caloric intake and whether or not you voted Republican.

Despite Medicare and Santa’s popularity among Americans, Ryan hopes people will realize, “Medicare and Santa are just illnesses. Private health insurance companies deserve to profit from your illness.”

As Americans and Santa groan this Christmas, insurance companies remain jolly. Several private insurers said off the record that Ryan’s plans were the “Christmas Miracle” they, ironically, asked Santa for.

If there’s some shiny tinsel to this story, Speaker Ryan will once again receive coal this Christmas.

This is satire. The exemption being Paul Ryan’s love for privatizing stuff. And Santa (if you still believe.)

Photo credit to and The Action team who decided Santa should meet Speaker Ryan.