10 Things You Absolutely Must Do Before Turning 30

1. Travel the World

Travelling is just one of those essentials that everyone should and obviously can enjoy. Pack up your backpack, get on a plane and have an adventure in a foreign land! You’ll soak up culture, get a tan and become a better person for it.

2. Eat Expensively

We get it, eating cheap is fun, but you’re missing out if all you eat is food you can afford. There’s a world of artisanal cuisine that will enrich your existence so don’t get bogged down by what is capable, reach for that wonder!

3. Challenge a Horse to Complete a Sudoku Puzzle

They think they’re so smug with their manes and Derby-winning skills. Take them down a peg, give them a real challenge by forcing one to complete a Sudoku puzzle. Don’t be unfair, provide them with a pencil, but make sure they know they’re inferior.

4. Indulge Your Spirituality

Open your soul to the mysterious of the universe. Take a Hot Yoga class or a Buddhism class. It doesn’t take much effort to reach into yourself, just a quick session in the Kosher aisle of the grocery store is enough to being you into more oneness with the universe.

5. Confront the Horse Demanding to Know how it Solved the Sudoku

Serious how the fuck did it do that? It’s a horse. It can’t even hold the pencil properly. This doesn’t seem right, it must have cheated.

6. Buy Property

If, by 30, you don’t own some property you’re definitely lagging behind. Either your own house or a property you rent it’s something you are absolutely required to have if you want to have any feeling of success in your life.

7. Plot Against that Fucking Horse

Sure it looks innocent. Nose in the leaves, eating grass, pretending it’s just a simple horse. But I know better. That hoofed bastard bested me in Sudoku and I do NOT take kindly to being made to look like a fool.

8. Convince Your Friends that the Horse Isn’t Normal

Gavin, come on, I believed you when you said Stacy broke up with you and that was way less likely than this. There is something wrong with this fucking horse, I swear it followed me home after I accused it of cheating.

9. Horse-proof Your Property

You’re not going to get me. I’m prepared you long-faced, grass-eating motherfucker, you step one hoof near my house and I promise I will fuck you up. I’m not scared. Bring it.

10. Pray

It’s here. It’s inside my house, jesus help me.