I had newborn twins and a two-year-old.
When I could sleep, everything was fabulous; the perfect mom, dad and three-fine-sons idyll.
When I hadn’t had enough sleep, it was one of the circles of hell.
I tried to go out every day.
One dreadful sunday I’d been home all day and the scenario was nightmarish.
I was sitting (vegetating) in front of the TV as the darkness closed in and I peered dejectedly into the abyss.
Suddenly my dearest friend from my two years in Barcelona is waving to me from the TV screen:
It was an ad she’d made several years before.
Imagine that…someone popping up out of the blue just when I needed it most. I survived that day… and the next and the one after that.
My boys are teenagers now and they help me carry stuff. Heavy stuff.
The other day I found myself longing to hold them in my arms like when they were babies.
One night I had a ‘primal scream’ experience.
I had woken up in the night and began screaming. It was quite a catharric event.
Another time I was going to stab my husband as he lay sleeping. I haven’t uploaded that story yet. It’s coming soon. Though I can send you a draft privately, if you’d like. ;-)
It was important for me then, as it is now, to be free of bad pharma.
I want to live in the real world not in a prozac-induced twilight zone.
No judgement of those who choose otherwise.
For me, it all boiled down to physicalities: sleeping whenever I could and getting out of the house.
Another trick, if you could call it that, was breastfeeding while dozing. I would lie on my back with a baby in the crook of each arm, one slack tit flopping down on each side. They would feed like that and I could snooze, mostly at nighttime.
I never had the morning turgidity that I had with my singleton firstborn.
It would be most remiss of me to not mention the constant help and support that my ex gave me.
On Sunday mornings he would leave with the children, buy a newspaper and sit in Landbohøjskole park, giving me blessed, blessed peace for a few hours.
His parents too-they would drop all or any plans if I needed to go to work and my child was ill.
The year-long maternity leave here in Scandinavia also allowed us to tick over financially.
I have sent an angel to be with you in this most trying time.
Bless you and your family.